I do this weird thing, maybe some of you do it too. When ever I’m on longer drives I check my review mirror every so often and check out the back seat of my car as if I’m expecting a car seat holding my sleeping baby or some thing. I really wish I’d stop doing that it makes me sob every time I do it and it’s just weird. As I was driving today I was thinking about infertility and what’s the purpose of my humble existence and then I saw a huge Bonn fire with tons of smoke up ahead and thought how symbolic. All my dreams of becoming pregnant going up in smoke, ha!
Infertility has certainly left me confounded as to my life’s purpose and to what constitutes a family. What does a women do if shes not going to be a mother Lord? Or lets say we adopt will the child really be mine? Its funny how you can usually tell a nanny from the mommy and the baby sitter from the mama or the teacher from mom. Even though they may be really close to the children and care for them longer than actual mom the kids know who mommy is. When ever I see that acted out in life it makes me just wonder will it be that way if we adopt? Will I really get to be some ones mommy or only some pretend mommy?
I just wonder, there’s just this hesitation about it and I think I have to work through that with my husband and the Lord. I’ve really been forced to reconsider what is family and relinquish what I always though would be the perfect family to the Lord. I always had a desire to adopt after I had our biological children. I get such comfort and encouragement to adopt from verses like Luke 8:19-21. And also my own experience when I became a believer in Christ. I suddenly had fellowship with my true family God being my Father and other believers my brothers and sisters. Of course I still love my biological family very much and they are very important to me and I long to see them saved. However even though I don’t share an immediate biological link with other Christians they are my family in the truest sense by the Spirit of Christ and maybe adoption is something like that. A beautiful family work that only Christ can orchestrate in the heart of the would be parents, birth parents, and baby.
I still hope to become that huge pregnant lady some day but I’m hoping that I’ll hope for that less and less. And just let that go entirely and let God do what God wants do in my life and trust Him completely. I never realized how much of my worth as a woman I attached to being able to conceive and have children. There is so much valor and honor that comes with being a pregnant woman in my eyes, risking your life for that of your flesh and blood and just the shear joy of being chosen by God to carry this life hidden away in your womb. I find being infertile way less romantic and valiant. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe it just looks differently but is still just as brave and glorious. We shall see!
