What to do Next?

I can't believe that it's been over a year since our last attempt at fertility treatments and we still haven't made any tangible movement toward building our family. I'm not pregnant, we can not adopt at this moment because financially it's not possible, fertility treatments are not really in the plans because of financial reasons. Do I really want to spend thousands of dollars that we don't have on some thing that has a bigger possibility at failing than working? These are trying times for us.

The frustration of being in the same spot year after year makes my stomach ache. I just want to put this all behind me and move on, but I can't. I can't because God is still working He's not finished breaking and binding molding and shaping. His grace is working in our hearts in such a way to make us more and more like His only begotten Son Jesus Christ. Who is my Maker, my Friend, my Savior, my kinsmen, my King, my God.

What if I never have my child half me half my husband growing and being knit together in the hidden parts of me, can I endure with joy? "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me." Galatians 2:20a

If His life is the only life I ever have conceived in me and growing in me then how can I ever complain? He has poured forth the whole store house of His blessings upon my head.

Honestly I don't always feel blessed but I am. I have to exercise my mind to dwell and cling to God's promises in Christ. But its still hard being a woman with such a desire in my heart to be a mother remaining unfulfilled. It has far reaching effects into all facets of my life. I say that not with a complaining spirit its just and honest struggle that God has used to test me and to shape me, break me and to bind me.

"For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure." Phil 2:13

I must say oddly enough my infertility might actually have been an answer to prayer.......in a round about sort of way. Have you ever prayed to be made more into the image of Christ? I've prayed that since the beginning, "Lord make me like Jesus, make me holy." In reference to my sanctification here on earth. Well nothing has served to strip me of my pride and self sufficiency more then not being able to conceive. I have nothing to boast in except Christ. I've been made more compassionate, meeker and milder, stronger and braver by His grace working in my heart. His grace always produces fruit. I have to say God is amazingly wise. And through all of my days and all of the troubles that they bring I have a compassionate high priest named Jesus making intersession on my behalf and behalf of all the saints. Praise God!

The good news is God works, not me I should be resting in Him. Knowing that the complex issues of conception is in His hands and my life as small and insignificant as it is, is firm with in His compassionate hands. So I will just rest in Him and trust in Him to take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to thee.

News

Well I've made it through a day that I've been anticipating for some time. And of course it comes during a very tender time of the year smack dab in between our 6th wedding anniversary and my 31st birthday with out any children. I never could never have imagined that I would enter my 30's with out a baby in my arms but here I am and its all for my good and His glory. Also at church there are many freshly born babies and expecting women every where, and that is very good, but very hard for people like me. Praise the Lord that He is at my side and that I'm on His side.

The past weekend I found out that my amazingly sweet sister in law is expecting! Which is an answer to prayer. I love her and I'm so excited for them. I'm sure that she has been waiting her whole life for this! This will be an amazing time for them as a couple as they wait for their little blessing to arrive. But unfortunately for people like me this is a two sided coin. My initial reaction was pure joy and excitement but then the coin fell on the other side and things started to really sink in.

I don't know about you but I mourn infertility like as if some one I love very much has died. I sob and cry like I've just lost some one I love and I have done this for the better part of our six years of marriage. I believe that infertility is a death. And that fits in to my Christian walk just beautifully because as a believer before life and joy in the truest sense can be received there always has to be a death. Especially death to your self. I don't always enjoy the process but it's good and has to happen.

"He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."
Matthew 10:39

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit." John 12:24

So, it turns out that this coming year I will have lots of practice of dying to my self and taking things that I've held and depended on and letting them go to God and surrendering my ENTIRE being to God. Every last bit of me goes to Him. He is my hope and my light!

I want to be His servant. Come what may.

Our 6th Wedding Anniversary

My husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on Monday. Six years of marriage sure did fly by fast. We didn't do anything fancy just a nice dinner at an Italian place, the tiramisu was fantastic, the best! We really just had a nice time being together, praying and talking about where our marriage has been and how God has an amazing future planned for us.

Our marriage has definitely been a mixed bag of bitter and sweet times, both because of sin and circumstance. But God in His providence and Love has held us together like glue!

" What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:9

I'm oh so thankful that the Lord saved us both! And He is making our marriage all the sweeter as we learn God's ways and grow in the Lord and all for His glory. Infertility has actually grown us closer together as one with Christ as we seek to obey Him in this trial and humble ourselves.

1 Peter 5:6-8 "Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time."

I'm so richly blessed to be married to a man like Rick. His heart just beats for the Lord and he loves His word. He guides me in prayer and in leads me in reading he teaches me so much about the word and answers all of my questions. Rick has been so kind and compassionate through all of my suffering. Baring long with me. And over looking many many wrongs done.He loves me! And I love him!

What a blessing it is to know that your partner will never leave you, ever! Even if your barren. Because our marriage has been built on the sure foundation of Jesus Christ our blessed Redeemer and His grace flows through our marriage and spills out of it. Thank you Jesus!

I hope by this time next year maybe we will have our little one flesh bundle of joy or maybe God will perform an adoption miracle for us. But if not I'm so glad that (((we))) have Christ and each other.