Sinking In

My husband and I went to watch the Bears game last Sunday at his parents house, and yes the Bears did win! When Rick left me alone with his father, his father asked me how the adoption thing was going. It's no secret by now that we are considering adopting a child. It's not like one day we woke up and were like, "Ok, its been three years time to adopt." The idea of adoption was sort of conceived and over the months has grown into, "Ok, maybe we should take a serious look into this." Now this is a very sweet question coming from a man of very few words, and I felt touched that he would think to ask. But as I responded to his question I just got this lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and a knot in the pit of my stomach. It just sank in that this is real. I can't get pregnant, I can't have biological children. I am a failure to every one, his parents, my parents, my husband, my whole family. I felt as though I was in a dream world for a minute or two. The room just spun as the weight of that sunk down into my heart and mind. I long to have my husbands children. It is a painful reality right now that, though I have prayed and CRIED to God for a child from my womb, He for now has said "No my daughter, no. I love you and will carry you through this."

"Yes, Lord. I will gladly pick up my cross and carry it in the strength that you provide."

Now, I know that really I'm not a failure but its a battle in my mind, and I must fight it with the truth of God's word. I just so desperately need the love of Christ. When I come to His feet I just lay down my feelings of failure and my all my sins. He washes me clean of my iniquities and sins. He takes my burdens from me and lifts me up on wings like eagles. When I'm around fallible man , sinners just like me, I can feel so fiercely judged for my failures, what I say and do, the way I dress, and my inability to conceive. But with Christ I am not condemned, He welcomes me and draws me to Himself gladly. I am comforted by His love and I'm refreshed by His care.

I'm praying for Christ's joy and deep deep love to abide in my heart. To be completely honest with you I'm still struggling some issues associated with adoption, even though I want to. There are still a few kinks that need to be worked out but I know that God will guide us and love us through this. I'm still hopeful that one day I might conceive, but right now that would sort of be like a bonus as we seriously pursue building our family though adoption. I'm so thankful that God has miraculously provided income for us, a good part-time gig for me and a generous donation from my husbands parents. God is so good and a help in time of need.

Quick Observations

I've observed, by reading women's blogs and through conversations how totally unique each person going through infertility is and how totally unique our experiences are. Not completely different but very unique and special.

As I read your blogs I am struck by the hope each one of you has. There's the hope to become mothers some day soon. Also there is a hope and quiet trust in the Lord even when trudging through some very dark and lonely valleys, there is always this shining light that makes all the darkness disappear when I read on. It's so neat!

I can see the hand of God gracing your lives through your writings and it's such a praise to Him. We all have different reasons as to why we are unable to have children and God knows what those reasons are. He is working uniquely in all our live for His glory.

Praying for you all :)

Prayer Requests

I'm just letting a few prayer requests be made known. I've had some things that God has placed on my heart that need prayer.

1. Should I start seeing a RE again? And if I do how should we proceed with treatment.

2. Should we start looking into adoption and start a home study. Where should we adopt from domestic or international.

3. My struggle with adoption is that it's hard for me to understand, in a way, that this woman wouldn't actually want her child. I have scenarios in my head where I have put my self in the birth moms place. I just wonder if shes being pressured in some way to give up her baby but she really wants him/her. Will she want her baby back years down the road and won't be able to get him/her back, what would that do to her. I just need to know if we adopt that this will be our child and not some other woman's baby. I don't want to steal some ones baby!!! I know I have issues :)

4. Lots of women around me are pregnant. I need the strength from Jesus to joyfully endure and be a blessing to them.

Thank you for your prayers, God bless!

Rejoice

It's just past 2am and I've been rudely awakened my very persistent aunt flow, shes such a pain! How am I doing? Besides being uncomfortable and unable to get any sleep, I'm doing ok. My heart is mixed with joy, hope, when, how, why, sorrow, longings, grief, love, frustration, and rejoicing in the Lord.

Early on in this IF struggle, a very well meaning sister in the Lord told me, "You're going to have to rejoice when your period comes." She said this in a most cold, unloving, bossy way, and my reply was something brilliant like, uh huh. Mostly I just marveled at what was just said. I was a new Christian, not totally grounded yet and was just confused by my IF. I really could have used some biblical counsel here. It seemed like she was telling me to put on my fake church going smile on over my pain and sorrow and pretend like every things "ok" and to do other wise was a sin.

I've defiantly struggled and wrestled with those words for a couple years. I am reminded of them when my aunt comes to town. Again she meant well, so I think I finally figured out what she really meant, I think. I hope.

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near." Phil 4:4-5

Despite my circumstances (barrenness) I'm to rejoice in Jesus my Lord. Knowing full well that He loves me and proved this by dying for sinful me on the cross. He cares tenderly for His little lambs. His gospel is indeed good news to the poor! I rejoice, God is sovereign and for His glory He has decided to close my womb. I'm barren and for God's glory. My thinking says wouldn't my life full of children bring more glory to him than my lowly humble estate in barrenness. His ways are higher that mine. I rejoice in that too!

I rejoice that the Lord is near indeed. He comforts, holds, leads and guides me. He gives me rest and drink in this weary dry land. I rejoice because when I suffer I am being shaped in formed into a beautiful jem, with out spot, blemish, or wrinkle in His royal diadem. He is teaching me to be gentle in spirit full of love for people made in His image. I am lovingly being made, shaped, formed, broken and crushed in to His image. Its painful often however I wouldn't trade the work He's done in my heart, mind, spirit, soul for anything.
**************I Rejoice in My Lord and God!

Oh, one more thing I got this off the westminster shorter chatechisim of 1647......before your eyes start to glaze over, read it its good!

Westminister Shorter Chatechisem of 1647

What are the decrees of God?

Answer :The decrees of God are, His eternal purpose, according to the counsel of His will, whereby, for His own glory, He hath ordained whatsoever comes to pass.

When Trials Come - Keith and Kristyn Getty

Jeremiah

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I came across these verses in the book of Jeremiah and was really struck in my heart by them. I find that these verses are bursting with wisdom and give MUCH comfort for the fiery trials in this life. It reassures me that I will probably never fully understand the why of this trial, and in God's wisdom I don't need to. However I can rely on the life giving flow of His spirit to sustain me during the drought and He will cause me to bear fruit continually.

The previous verse warned never to trust in man only in the LORD. I can write that down in my journal as tried and proved. When ever I have naively trusted in mans wisdom my life has become a parched wilderness. I am restored when I repent of my sin and trust again for my Lord and His word to refresh me and guide me. I am so prone to wander.

The Good Shepherd gives His lambs a life giving water, we need to trust in Him alone.


Jeremiah 17:7-8

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,

whose trust is the LORD.

He is like a tree planted by water,

that sends out its roots by the stream,

and does not fear when heat comes,

for its leaves remain green,

and is not anxious in the year drought,

for it does not cease to bear fruit."

Infertility Meltdown

Ok, God is good and Sovereign and not taken by surprise as I often am. I was surprised yesterday by a couple of thing first that our church was doing baby dedications yesterday. And second my reaction to them. I was actually looking forward to the baby dedications it had been in the church bulletin for a few weeks and in the past few years I have never had a "problem" with them.

As soon as I got to church, I became melancholy and really didn't want to talk to any one tyring to just pray and confess sin. I was sitting in my seat alone my husband was serving as an usher and wasn't next to me for this event. And as I was sitting there, congregation watching, I noticed right in front of me two family's who's children have red hair. My husband has red hair (he shaves his head now you can't tell that he's a red head) and when we first were dating I thought how neat would it be to have little red heads. So I had those thoughts pop into my mind and a sense of sadness crept into my heart knowing that those little red heads I wanted might very well never be mine. So finally after announcements it was time for baby dedications.

There were four family's up there including my pastors wife and their amazingly cute baby boy Brandon. I don't remember every thing that happened all I know is that when the family's got up there I started quietly shedding tears. An then our pastor quoted with much joy in his heart and voice Psalm 127 :3-5.

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

The word is sharper that a double edged sword and it just had no mercy on my heart it just cut me to ribbons. At this point I was barely holding it together, I was now sobbing quietly. They then got to the part where the congregation stands and says basically that they will now hold the parents accountable for raising His children in the Lord. I was a total mess at this point but trying to hang in there just praying to God to please help me hold it together. Then baby dedications ended and after such a joyful event its now time to greet one another with hand shakes and smiles. Looking, down with tears all over and snot too I'm sure, shook the hand of the man next to me so as not to be rude and ran off to the bathroom tripping over a wheel chair and coat in the way.......real nice. I just had to get out of there I didn't want to start a scene with my sobs and I just didn't want people to see me cry.

I want to be honest with people and tell them the truth but at the same time I want to avoid as much drama as possible. So I went to the bathroom for what I thought would be a few moments just to get a hold of my self. That didn't happen, I completely broke down at that point. It became pretty obvious that I would not be returning to my seat to hear the sermon, bummer.

My dear sweet sister in the Lord Suzie came into the bathroom and saw my feet in the stall and thought I was her daughter. "No, Suzie. Its Alicia."

She is supper cool and sweet and really ministered to me. It amazes me how God sent her to me in that moment. I just love her and she has been such a help. She gave me her bible (mine was still at my seat) then went on her way to teach Sunday school. I went and found a private room tried to read b/w sobs. I waited for my husband to come find me and to take me home. Rick did find me and was so sweet to me. I thought he might be annoyed by my emotional breakdown. I asked him to go back to my seat to get my belongings. I was hoping he would do so quietly and with out disruption during the sermon, this is almost impossible. Then he brought me my belongings minus my purse. SO I sent him back in knowing at this time it probably would defiantly draw attention and be a disruption. On our way to the car a bunch of other people saw me crying, I just wanted to disappear!

I just want Jesus. All of Him. I just want to know that He loves me and my husband. I want to serve Him and Love Him with my whole entire heart and being. I'm having an impossible time doing that because I'm something of an emotional basket case lately. At the end of it all I want to hear well done good and faithful servant................and of course Jesus gets all the glory and crowns for any good service or good deed that I do.

God is good

Well this morning we awoke to the gut wrenching reality of an Obama presidency, and the world rejoices....yeah. I'm very thankful that God is so completely sovereign over all the universe and mortal man. I can rejoice because God works His will even through wicked rulers and glory will be given to His Holy Name. My husband even prayed that Obama will be born again, wow there's an idea! I know God can do it. He saved me and raised me from death to life even though I was a wretch.

Switching subjects abruptly here. I really am feeling dejected today and some what wallowing in self pity that I am not a mother. I'm weary, recently a lot of people have been asking me if I have children.....no comes the answer. I then have to endure (with a smile on my face) their endless cocktail of advice. Most of which I have already done years ago, then they (understandably) get frustrated and tell me to adopt...........perfect strangers do this to me. How long O Lord? How long must this go on. Poor me right? I've probably blogged on this many many times already. I further torture my self with thoughts of what do my Christian friends think of this. None of them have struggled with infertility. I hope and pray that they will not ever have to! Do they think that I'm cursed or that I have some unrepented sin or I don't deserve children. I know that I shouldn't even wonder what others are thinking, its sinful. I continue to be perplexed by this gift/trial of infertility.

I just love babies and their fresh baby aroma. They are so irresistibly cute and yummy. I see them every where I go, its nice. I hope God will allow me to have children. God is good even if he never allows me the pleasure.