I'm normal?????

I got some blood work results back and every thing came back totally normal....good news right? (maybe to a normal person) To tell you the truth I was kinda hoping that they would find some thing wrong. Some thing that they could "fix" to make my "unexplained" infertility go away. My doctor had me do a 7 panel thyroid test, he was thinking that some thing was wrong with my thyroid resulting in a whole slue of symptoms including infertility. But every thing was normal. For whatever reason I found my self sad and crying a little bit in the car ride home, infertility does weird things to your emotions! I just wanted to take a little pill to make it all better. So yes I still find my self hoping a little bit in medicine every now and then......especially when the doctor thinks we may have a hot lead. I just want a baby and I was really wanting to be one step closer to that goal. But honestly I am very thankful that I have nothing seriously wrong with me, it's just hard when every thing comes back normal and unexplained all the time.

I don't mind having a problem as long as I can feel I moving closer to "solving" the problem. With unexplained infertility there is nothing to work on, nothing to fix, no problem that needs solving. Sooooo I just wait.............................I don't know what God's plans for my fertility are. But He does, so I trust Him and I am thankful that all my struggles with infertility are not in vein. He is using my circumstances for His glory, but today I am struggling with finding joy and peace with in my heart with this understanding that I have in my head. I pray that He will help me with this, and He is so faithful I know that He will.

Blogger Beth is ................................Pregnant!

Congratulations Beth and husband!!!!!! I'm so delighted to hear the good news about your pregnancy........sooooo exciting!

*****BFP! BFP! BFP!!!!!!!BFP!

one reason why

One of the reasons why infertility, at least for me is so difficult is that it can make connecting with other women difficult. It's sort of a hindrance between two adult women one blessed and happy with the size of her family the other barren and hurting. Most women at my age are very child centric and naturally want to discuss matters regarding parenting, challenges in the world of parenthood, schooling, poopy diaper incidents, up all night, ect. Having children really adds a new dimension to ones life that I have not experienced. I have no authority to really speak in to a woman's life regarding motherhood, and I don't have experience as a mother. I'm out side the circle of trust as "they" say. But I have learned from close observation that motherhood is hard, very hard they need lots of grace, love, and support from their loved ones.

So any way yesterday at my allergist office a bunch of fun gals invited me to sit with them when I arrived, I didn't know these ladies but I sure appreciated their kindness. It was 9:30 am and I was to be there until 5pm. As soon as I sat down they and the nurses all start talking and laughing about their child birth experiences. Oh my it's going to be a long day. Reminiscing about the pain and how big their bundle of joy was, sounded like these women cherished these memories. Of course I had nothing to contribute, hello awkward! And felt pain and sadness stab my heart an aching wound that only Jesus can heal. I want children so much, Jesus knows that, He knows it.
I am to my self and to others less than a women. However I'm so blessed that Jesus can find use for this broken outcast of a women in His kingdom here and now.

His Spirit has convicted me that I have been centering my whole life around the hope of a baby for years now and it's time to repent of that and turn to Jesus He is the center piece of my life. In my centering my existence around baby hopes I have put so much of my life on "hold." For example, Oh I can't do that because what happens if I get pregnant.......mmmmmm, can't do that because I should be pregnant tomorrow.......Maybe I should do this instead because I might be pregnant. This false hope (idol) has messed with my head and heart sooo much. It has stifled me in so many ways and rendered me useless to my Lord. It's crazy it really is! I want to stop this crazy train and run back to my Lord.

So He has convicted me that I need to enrich my life with the riches of Jesus and to hope in Him and to wait on Him. I don't need a hobby or to go on a trip to fill the gap of not having a child right now. I need Jesus to fill me with His bounty and goodness. I need Him to heal my heart and to repair the lost years so that I can serve Him.

Disentanglement

This morning I was thinking about all the possible lies I have been believing regarding infertility. Lies are like cancer in my thought life, they spread undetected for a long time then finally you start to feel the symptoms. Once you realize the proliferation of the disease and how entangled it is with the good tissue by then its very hard work to remove the cancerous lies and to repair the damage they have caused. Praise the Lord that He is a healing God who is delighted to see me repent of my sins and my unbiblical beliefs and turn to Jesus and replace the lies with the truth of God.

The list of lies I have believed about fertility and infertility is about a mile long. I say this next thing with love and mercy, by the type of counsel I usually received about infertility these lies have spread every where even in the church, they are not uncommon at all. I long to see Christians in unity thinking biblically about every thing!


People who mean well, there just trying to help are usually telling me I need to do some thing to get pregnant instead of taking me to Jesus in my hour of need and showing me His tender mercies in the word. They tell me I should do this or do that, not do this, but try this and see this doctor, maybe if this area of your life was together ............ and then presto I should be pregnant, it worked for them. They often make me feel like I'm doing something wrong, its all up to me. Honestly there are only so many ways to skin a cat. I just wish people would stop with the advice......this has been a lesson for me as well!

I think Christians hate to see suffering, it's very uncomfortable. Jesus obviously suffered. They want to make it(the suffering) disappear in other people lest they have to look upon it, instead of loving them through their personal suffering. I pray that the Lord will help me to react to others comments meekly and with love. May I be gentle with them and may Christ honoring relationships develop and teach me how to love people and be hands and feet of Jesus to those in need.

Here are some of the lies that I believed.

1. I'm in control of my fertility.
***God is sovereign over life and death not me.

2. I should do everything in my power medically to get pregnant. (God gave us doctors, right?)
***God will decide if a medicine or procedure will work.....He is the one who even blesses our food to our bodies.

3. I'm a useless wife because I am unable to give my husband the children he now wants.
***God is teaching him to love his God given wife even though she can't supply something for him.

4. Other people are more blessed and special to God than I because they have many children.
***He blessed Christians and non-Christians. His common grace is wide. Pray for them.

5. Infertility is punishment for some past sin or sins.
***Maybe a consequence of past sins, however God is just and sovereign.

6. I will be a useless women to God if I'm not a Mom.
***God will help me and give me a meaningful role in His kingdom for His glory.

7. Come on.......I'm a way better person than that gal who has had an abortion and gets a "second chance" to become pregnant again when I've never been pregnant even once.
***I'm not a better person. There but by the grace of God go I. Pray for women who have had abortions.

8. I can't bear this burden its too much.
***God is all powerful

9. Maybe I can convince God that His plan isn't the best for me.
***Idolatry

10. God can't be trusted.
***He is the only one to be trusted! He made every thing and every thing belongs to Him.

I hate the fact that I have thought such cruel thoughts and untruths about God, others, an my self. But God in His infinite love and mercy is yoking with me and teaching me His ways and His thoughts. He is keeping me captive to Him.

A Memorial to God's Work in me

I wanted to write today to make a memorial to the powerful work God is doing in my life through this trial of infertility. I am so thankful that I have such a friend Jesus to pick me up out of the dust and lift me to the heavenly places with Him.

Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this in a book as a memorial and recite it to Joshua...."
Exodus 17:14

My prayer life regarding pregnancy and children has changed to be more in line with the will of God. I used to try and carve on God (idolatry). I will try to make Him do what I thought was best and to make Him give me what I wanted, looking back on it my prayers they were very manipulative. God is so gracious and long suffering that He would put up with my idolatry and the carving I tried to do on Him. Now I try and be on guard for the carver in me when I pray.

My prayers are now more centered on allowing God to do His work through this trial to bring glory to His Name how He sees fit to do so. I must remember that His ways are not my ways. His ways are perfect mine are not. I focus my prayers on dying to my self and my wants and joyfully submitting my whole self to Jesus the work that He is doing. (I'm practicing this, I don't know if we are at JOYFUL submission yet. But I'm being made in to Christ's image. I'm not His image yet.)

Still I have this desire at my core. This desire to birth my husbands children it is a part of who I am as a women. I can't just stuff it down and pretend that it doesn't exist. I have to bring it out into the light. God gave women in general, there are a few exceptions I know of, to give birth to their husband's children and have a lovely family. It's the natural order of things. Original sin changed every thing. However Jesus is still sovereign and therefore in charge of the womb. For now He has shut my womb and I pray that He will open it and allow for life to grow in it.

I know that Jesus can make me well. I know that He is more than able to remake any organs that are diseased. I know that He can direct my path to the right doctors and proper fertility tx. I know He can do all this to give me a little bundle of joy.

But as a believer it's not all about just getting the baby. I'm walking with Jesus and He has allowed this trial to happen for His glory, it's not just because of the fall. And He is working powerfully with in me through this trial. He is destroying sin in my life, getting down threw the dirt and rocks and hard clay to my root sins. And He is exposing them and utterly destroying them. He is doing this so that I may be more like Jesus and to be useful to Him and for His kingdom now.
I just wish people would see with faith that God is working and creating in me. And that they would praise His Holy Name.

Our empty quiver

It hurts to hear others being congratulated and praised for the fullness of their quiver. And to hear "Wow, God has really blessed you." When there sits infertile me and my husband who's quiver is empty. When I hear these things being said all around me I start to sink like a rock. The light I'm suppose to shine before men is put under a basket and I just want to run away and hide from the world and the pain that I feel and run to Jesus. I start to see with my natural eyes that yes, that couple has children which means they have received God's favor and my husband and I have no children therefore we are not favored by God. However my eyes of faith see some thing different.

When I go to the Lord and His word with my sorrows and anxieties. He gently guides me back to the fullness found in Jesus. He reminds me that His grace is sufficient, that He is the pearl of great price, that in Him alone is found all riches, that He is all in all, and so much more. His word alone is such a blessing to me. It is so heavy with richness of the revelation of God.

The stinging wound of infertility is soothed and bandaged by my Lord who has saved my soul. My heart and mind is transformed to delight my self in Him. I am amazed by how faithful Jesus is and how tenderly He comforts His hurting sheep. He is truly the Good Shepard.

Final day in my twenties

Well the day I have been dreading since this infertility journey has begun arrives tomorrow. Tomorrow I will have officially turned 30 and have a big fat zero amount of children. Amazingly God by His grace has not allowed me to plummet head long into despair. He is so faithful to answer prayers. Oh, don't get me wrong I am most certainly on the verge of tears every second it seems. But that's OK. I mean I have the ability to feel things God gave me this capacity. And to me I feel sad that I have no little ones to care for. No little ones to teach God's word to, no one to tuck in tonight and give kisses too, no dirty butts to change.
As the months have turned into years and I have seen others get pregnant, have baby, get pregnant, have baby. Its hard to keep the hope alive that some day that might be me. The Lord has so broken me that I no longer have hope in fertility tx or eating a special way, ect., my hope is in Him alone. Now I do believe that He can bless fertility tx or special efforts to conceive. For me He had to completely ride my heart of idolatry and false hope in doctors and fertility tx(They don't create life in the womb God alone does.)and depend completely upon Him.

Thank you Lord for Your Holy ways God, that I do not understand but I have faith in You and Your promises found in Jesus Christ and I trust that you are perfect and ALL POWERFUL. Thank you for this trial and purging me of false beliefs, I used to think that I was in control of MY womb now I know You are. Lord every piece of me belongs to You and for Your purposes. Lord for any of my sisters in Christ suffering through the pain of bareness please draw them closer to you. Please pick them up out of the dust and bless them abundantly. In Jesus precious Name Amen.

Hello and Welcome!

First and foremost I have been saved by the blood of Jesus. I've been born again, that is something to rejoice about! Birth is always a miracle and He has breathed life into my soul, thank you Jesus. I am His and He is mine. He is the center piece of my life.

I'm writing this blog to not only express my thoughts. But also to hopefully be an encouragement to other barren women, as others blogs have been a great comfort and encouragement to my soul.

I am praying for you!

I have been married for 5 years, to the love of my life named Rick. My trial of infertility for baby number one has been going on for the last 2.5 years. I am turning 30 in 3 days, Yikes! Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock......that would be my biological clock ticking.

We saw a really good infertility specialist about 6 months ago who ran every test imaginable. The final diagnosis was unexplained infertility, she said I ovulate on my own but not strong enough. So we tried 50 mg clomid with ovidrill and IUI twice........BFN! The next set of infertility tx are too much money for us right now. Like 2,000-5,000 dollars too much. We don't want to do IVF, our doctor strongly recommended it though. I certainly do not condemn any one who is doing or has done IVF.......May you be blessed with children. I am currently seeing a doctor who mentioned it looks like I might have a thyroid issue which could be a hurdle in getting pregnant. More test to check out that option.

So...........we wait. I'm using my time to seek Jesus and learn as much as possible about Him and His ways through His word and prayer. Also trying to lose a bit weight. He is helping preparing my heart and home for the arrival of children. I would love to have a home full of children some day. Thus far God has had different plans for us, so I humbly submit my self to His sovereignty and hope to learn as much as possible from this trial.

Father God, I give You praise for Your sovereign rule over our lives. Jesus may this trial bring you much glory and may You cause it to bear fruit for you in my life. Forgive me for wanting to have a baby more than I have wanted You at times, forgive me for the ugliness of my heart that has been revealed during this trial by Your power may you purge me of all ungodly thoughts and emotions. Draw me closer to You Jesus, make me to delight in You no matter my circumstance.