Oh, my Aching Head

This past weekend was a painful one. Perhaps you can relate. I often get migraine headaches and I can usually manage with many Advil or Excedrin migraine,neither takes away the pain completely but dulls it enough that I can manage. But I have had so many migraines this past 2 weeks that its getting a bit out of control. I when to my doctor Thursday got a script for Imetrex and though that I was all set to do battle with my migraines. That night I awoke with a splitting headache, so I took an Imetrex and it worked beautifully. Victory at last!!! Victory over the pain!

However on Saturday I started to get a start of a migraine so I took my little magical pill and I thought it would work like it did last time. Not so, by 6p that evening I was in such pain so I took another little pill, nothing happened and my headache grew worse and worse still. And then the nausea, I tossed my cookies a few times. By 9pm we decided to go to the ER and see if they could help me the pain was so bad I was just writhing in pain, and the nausea was just awful!

My sweet hubby dropped me off at the door to the ER. I walk in to register looking like a zombie I'm sure. As I walk up to talk to the nice lady about my splitting insane migraine a sweet little girl who was sick started screaming right next to me in my ear. I mean blood curdling screams. I just loved the timing on that! Poor baby girl,though!

So they whisked me away and the lovely nurses got me an IV going and then the wonderful doc ordered some fantastic pain and nausea meds for my IV. I was doing much much better, but my headache and nausea wasn't totally gone. They asked me if I felt good enough to go home? Sure why not, I'm feeling better.

The next morning I awoke with the same splitting migraine and nausea! UGGG! So back to the ER. I was afraid that they would think I was some sort of pain med junkie looking for a high. So just a repeat of the night before. The nice doctor gave me something to "break" my headache......oh I like the sound of that.

Well I'm doing much better now, praise God! And you might be wondering what this has to do with infertility. Well I will have to visit a neurologist soon and they will want to put me on meds that aren't pregnancy friendly. So I just ask for prayers and wisdom from God on how to proceed with all of this. It's a little frustrating. I just want to get pregnant and maybe its just not meant to be.

Empty Pockets, Empty Arms,Full Hearts

I’m just wondering has this happened to you? You’ve been praying and praying and then finally you have your answer from the Lord. It seems clear as day what the Lord wants you to do and to prepare you for. You even see God working in your life putting all the pieces of the puzzle together to fulfill His will in your life. When, suddenly every thing just falls apart mid stream. And you left standing there wondering what just happened? You think to yourself, I thought we were going this direction Lord? I thought it was going to be smooth sailing Lord. Obviously His ways are not my ways!

I was under the impression that we were only months away from beginning our home study for adoption and I was just so excited about that. But when my husband and I looked at our bills we realized that all this money that we thought we had saved toward adoption would have to go toward paying our bills instead. That a was devastating and frustrating moment. Then the next day I had to resign from my position because of some disgusting and degrading things that were being said on a daily basis and then when I saw an email that my co-worker was viewing, I just had to call it quits. I refuse to work in that type of environment. So now what?

It seems that we are back to square one. God has decided to strip us of all of our self sufficiency and all this extra money that I was trusting in and we’re back to just sitting at His feet. Asking Him for provision and thanking Jesus for His provision for our souls, we are waiting on Him and for Him. All of our adoption plans have come to a screeching halt for now, so we wait and trust and rejoice in Him. Words can not express how I’m so thankful for this trial even though at the same time I long for it to be over with and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Christ has really used this trial to develop total reliance on Him and what a neat gift that will be for my children to see acted out in real life. I heard some say about their adopted child something like this, “this child might not have my eyes or daddy’s nose but he will have our faith.” Ultimately that’s what God desires most. God is amazing and His love is forever and I’m so blessed to be His child by adoption. And I look forward to having children of my own someday soon.

I still do pray to be able to conceive and I think that maybe I always will. As a woman this desire to have children can be so strong. But I must die to my self and my desires and put my trust in our Great God.

He just said what?

I have an IPOD, I think its a pretty handy device to have. I get to listen to sermons, the bible, and worship music all in the palm of my hand. I was on the tread mill today and happened to be listening to an past episode of Wretched Radio. All was good and well. It was a very good program and then he started to veer off on to the subject of octomom. To make a long story short he begged the question, “that maybe your womb is closed because of some sin in your life.” That’s pretty much a direct quote and it wasn't addressed to octomom it was addressed to just your average infertile couple. And the way that he said it was just so snarkey.

Now, honestly I would not be offended by the question if it was asked out of love from perhaps a member of my church who is familiar with the situation or a friend or some one who knows my husband and I. I think what got my feathers all ruffled is that it was a reminder to me that people all around me are thinking just that, and it I just want it to stop. Being infertile is such a vulnerable place to be. Some times its like walking around with a big scarlet letter A or I on, whatever. Does someone automatically think, “Oh he has heart disease he must have some sin in his life because God’s not healing him.” No that would be wrong. But they do think that when a woman is unable to bear children.

I know that there is sin in my life. Some sins I know about and some that I’m still blind too. The truth is I’ve only been a believer for three years and I’m thirty. SO God saved me and He has to reconstruct this broken, desperately sinful, and hurting woman into a woman worthy of her highest calling as a daughter of the King. And in His sovereign wisdom He is using bareness to do just that. I hope some day that He will “take away my reproach,” but for now I get to joyfully wait and see what amazing work He is doing in my life and the lives of other believers.


"But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Wait? Anonymous Poem

These past couple of weeks have been filled with so many trials and I couldn't even figure out were to start to wright. So I thought that this poem sums up every thing almost perfectly. I was blessed by it and it made my heart grow all the more for our Lord Jesus!

Desperate and helpless and longing I cried,
Patiently, lovingly, my Lord replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,"Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You said, wait?" my indignant reply,
"Lord,I need answers! I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened, or have You not heard?
By faith I have asked and I'm claiming Your Word!

"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me, 'Wait,'
I'm needing a 'yes' or a 'go ahead' sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"And,Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask and we shall receive.
And,Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry-
I'm weary of asking; I need a reply!"


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again,"You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun,
I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.

"All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be;
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint,
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair,
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

"You'd never experience that fullness of love.
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You'd know that I give and I save-for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"And you'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dreams for that loved one overnight might come true,
But-oh, the loss-if lost what I'm doing in you"

"So ,be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still,'Wait.'"