Congratulations Tiffany and Peter!!!!

It's a new baby girl for my dear friend Tiffany and Peter and a new baby sister for their 4 yr old twin boys!

Her name is Selah Grace she came in at a healthy 8 lbs 10 oz 21'' Mom and baby are doing well. Praise the Lord.

This little girl will be so loved and adored by many. Happy birthday Selah!

I can't wait until I meet her..........maybe tomorrow :)

From a Life Key Email from a Pastor Colin Smith Sermon

Dead Things Don’t Grow
If you want growth, you have to start with life. Dead things don’t grow. Where does the Christian life come from? And why do I sometimes feel more dead than alive?

Regeneration is the root from which your Christian life grows. Regeneration is the life that flourishes in sanctification. It is the engine that drives your progress in holiness.

Regeneration is what makes you want to be more holy than you are. It is the root and beginning of all progress in the Christian life. All progress in the Christian life begins with knowing who you are in Christ. Regeneration tells you who you are.

Do you know who you are?

Have you ever come to a place where you said to yourself “I am such a miserable, pathetic, powerless, no good excuse for a Christian?” Maybe you fell into some sin. Maybe the progress of other Christians made you feel small. Maybe you were ashamed of your thoughts and wondered if you were really a Christian at all. Let God tell you who you are:

In Christ, You are a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

You have been crucified with Christ. (so don’t crucify yourself again) (Galatians 2:20)

You have been raised to new life in Christ. (Colossians 3:1)

You are a temple of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19)

You have been set free from sin. (Romans 6:22)

You are a light in this dark world. (Ephesians 5:8)

You have been born again, a dearly loved child of God. (1 Peter 1:23)

Progress begins with knowing who you are

Sanctification is about being who you are in Christ. You can’t be someone you’re not. Be who you are in Christ:

You are light, so live as light.

You’re free from sin, so don’t let sin be your master.

Christ lives in you, so live by faith in Him.

Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, so flee from sexual immorality.

You’ve been raised with Christ, so set your mind on things above.

You’re a new creation, so live for Christ and not for yourself.

You’ve been born again, so love one another deeply.

Someone said to me recently “It has really helped me to know that the flesh is not who I am. It is what I am fighting against.” She had discovered the truth of regeneration: I am a new creation in Christ and I am going to spend the rest of my life living that out—to His praise and glory. That’s the joy and the freedom of the Christian life. It’s not about pretending to be something that you’re not. It’s learning to be who you are in Chrit

This week’s scripture: “Since, then you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above…” Colossians 3:1 (NIV)

This LifeKey is based on the message “Knowing Who You Are,” by Pastor Colin S. Smith on May 3, 2009, from the series “Regeneration: How Christ Changes Your Soul.”

It's a battle

Life's circumstances can change so quickly for us. We sort of live our lives thinking things will always be the way they are "now." Then bam something comes are way so unexpectedly. Some times it's good, some times it's devastating.

My husband and I have just discovered that a dear friend and brother in the Lord has kidney cancer. He also has two tumors on his spine one of which ate through 30-40% of a vertebrae. He is in pain. We love him and firmly believe in the power of prayer to our great and awesome God. So if you have a moment today please pray for him, his wife, and their 4yr old daughter (who is super cute! and tons of fun!). We are hopeful.

I'm sorry if my blog seems a little depressing lately. The Spirit of God is working in my heart. He's encouraging me and blessing me to consider it all joy! But infertility is very hard, brutal actually! Most of you know this full well even if you have achieved sweet success. The lessons learned and memories never leave you I can imagine.

I've been having a very difficult time lately. It's been a battle not to sink into despair........OK an all out war! I've been training my self to meditate on God's wisdom, His love and promises, His word. Not to give my self this superficial warm fuzzy feeling but to build up and encourage my soul.

Also I know that Jesus has been tempted as I have been but He is with out sin. I know that when I get that horrible cold achy sadness in my heart Jesus has been there. He can relate to me. He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief......He suffered more than any one. I can go to Him, I need Him. He listens when no one else cares or understands.

After our Dear Lord went through His sufferings the bible says that He has been anointed with Joy above all of His brothers. Infertility is part of my suffering. Suffering is always worth it, God makes it worth it. That's why the bible says to consider it all joy.

God is so good!

Feelings; Nothing More Than Feelings

I have so so much to be thankful for and to glory in! Jesus has saved me by His sacrifice and that's amazing!!! He is mine forever! My brain can't fully comprehend the glory of the gospel. His precious Spirit indwells me His word sustains me. I have a Husband who adores me so much that he takes the time to write me love poems. I have a great church with lovely people and a pastor that preaches the word. My husband and I both have jobs, cars, a roof over our heads, clean water to drink and hot water to bathe in. I could go on and on for a while. I should be happy, right? I mean I am richer than about 3/4 of the people on the planet!

Well I am happy but I'm not........get it? I have great joy but I have great sorrow. I know what my future holds but yet I don't. Oh how I struggle to be content but why?????? I'm sure if I had my perfect family in a perfect world in a perfect house with out any struggles I would still struggle with being content............I sound a lot like my great,great, great, etc grandmother Eve don't I. Lord help me!

So here I am feeling , feeling like its very cold out side and barren looking and that's kinda how I feel right now. I want some hot cocoa maybe it would make me feel better.

How it went

OK first of all we (Husband and I) arrived early to our appointment through snow storm and all. But silly me never bothered to fill out the tons of paper work that they so graciously sent me weeks earlier.......some how with all the business this time of year and work I just forgot........duh!!!! They were a little annoyed and I felt like a total loser! So things didn't get off to a good start.

The doctor was great so nice and very skilled in this area. She had called my last doctor a glorified gynecologist and she would be right this new doctor has the skills. However she was a bit pushy with the IVF, and I understand why. From her perspective it offers us the best opportunity for a successful pregnancy. However for ethical reasons we are not comfortable with that option. She asked what exactly were our concerns about it and we told her and she tried to address our concerns. Honestly the only thing I don't like about IVF is the embryo selection part. The doctor "decides" what's a good embryo and what's not and I personally don't like that, I'm not comfortable with it at all. SO I digress.

She said that our best chances were with the injectables and we went through what all of that entails. She did the oh so fun ultrasound on me to check out my ovaries and uterus. She said that I have a big follicle now that looks like its ready to go.........fingers crossed on that!

But all of this to say I'm not sure that we are even going to do any of this. I was so excited and ready to go but my other half who is my better half has said that he doesn't want to do any treatments at all, period, end of story, NO.

Oh dear I hope that he changes his mind about this. He is my husband and whatever he decides I will see as my will in Christ Jesus. But I have to tell you that I was not happy and that's putting it mildly. I love him we need to pray about this lots and be honest and open with each other about the reality of what both options mean. I'm confused, hurt, sad, angry, sinful, lots to work through and hallelujah God is good and He will be our help and our guide through this difficult time.

People often say as scripture says that God is not a God of confusion. Implying that a person should always know what road to take. And that's very true when it pertains to who He is and what God commands and the way to salvation. However some times life is dark, deep, and mysterious and it's during those times that His sheep really stay close to their Shepherd's knee.

Thank you all so much for your love and prayers!!!

Infertility Appointment

This Wednesday My husband and I will be going to an infertility clinic to try and get a fresh perspective on recent events. I found this doctor through a friend at work surprisingly! As you all know people have a lot of well meaning advice and can usually name a few doctors to send you too most that stuff gets chucked in to the recycle bin in my brain. But I checked out this doctor on line and he just seemed like a rocket scientist in the field of infertility and it seemed like maybe he would be able to address more accurately some of my concerns.

So right now I don't have a lot of expectations for this appointment, I'm not even sure if we want to try infertility treatments right now. I just want to see what this doctor has to say and what his suggestions would be. If I happen to get pregnant again I want to have some one I can go to that I trust that won't treat me like just a normal boring OB patient.

Your prayers would be great!

Here it is

I love this poem make sure you listen to it on their web site. I have the link below.

Enjoy!


The Watches of the Night(Kristyn Getty)

I look towards the wintering trees
To hush my fretful soul
As they rise to face the icy sky
And hold fast beneath the snow
Their rings grow wide, their roots go deep
That they might hold their height
And stand like valiant soldiers
Through the watches of the night

No human shoulder ever bears
The weight of all the world
But hearts can sink beneath the ache
Of trouble's sudden surge
Yet far beyond full knowing
There's a strong unsleeping light
That reaches round to hold me
Through the watches of the night

I have cried upon the steps that seem
Too steep for me to climb
And I've prayed against a burden
I did not want to be mine
But here I am and this is where
You're calling me to fight
And You I will remember
Through the watches of the night
You I will remember
Through the watches of the night

http://www.gettymusic.com/watchesofthenight.aspx

I Love these Songs

These two songs have ministered to my heart and soul more any others. I hope you enjoy them too. I wish I could find the amazing poem that Kristyn Getty read along with these songs at Moody Church.................it blew me away it was so beautiful.

Back to Normal

It sure has been a while since my last post so I thought I'd make the time today to let you all know whats been happening. First I've been excited and encouraged to learn about what God is doing in many of your lives!!!!

I had my D&C done about a month ago. And by God's grace it went well no major bleeding or any other issues of concern. They sent the "pregnancy" to the pathology "people" and every thing came back normal. So that was good news.

Mean while I've just been trying to deal with all of this, shocked to be pregnant, shocked to find out that we would lose this baby, and then the crash of the hormones. A friend described it a PMS on acid.........not that she's done acid..lol! Jiff peanut butter commercials made me cry and not because I love peanut butter that much.

I'm finally starting to feel like a normal human being again.

That's all for now. Off to a church small group thanksgiving dinner......mmmmmmmmmmm!

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers :)

To God be the glory!!!!!

Ultrasound Up Date

I found out yesterday from my doctor the results of the ultrasound done on Monday. Unfortunately it was what I had expected. Our little miracle baby had no heart beat and only measured 7.5 weeks. Even though I knew that I had lost the baby because I lost most of my pregnancy symptoms. Even though I have had a week to prepare for this it's still not easy news to deal with.

When I first found out that I was pregnant I was totally shocked. Infertile me peed on a pregnancy test and it said + ?????? Really????????? What a surprise what a miracle! But I remained cautiously optimistic because I don't think you can go through almost 4 years of infertility and just expect things to work out. Plus I just had this "feeling." I would wrestle with God saying, "I just want this baby but I know that this baby is yours Lord. I want whats best for the baby even if it means what I don't want to have happen."

When I would pray I would thank the Good Lord for each day with this baby. Not to be too graphic but every time I wouldn't see red on the tissue paper I would say, "Thank you Jesus." But then one day I did see red and I was scared. I knew my time with the baby was coming to an end.

Thank you all for your love, prayers, and emails. The Lord has brought me to this difficult passage by His grace I am able to cross it. "Hither by His help I'm come."

I just want you all to know that I'm OK. God's grace is more solid and real than the ground I walk on. Also I believe firmly in the doctrine of God's sovereignty. I know that He has ordained this pregnancy since before the foundation of the world and Yes, a loving God ordained to have the pregnancy end at a time He decided not me. He knows whats best bottom line. I find that so comforting I wish more people did.

Lastly I would like to end on a hopeful note. From what I understand in scripture I know that I will meet my child in heaven when I arrive. That's not just some sentimental thought it's a fact. It's the grace of God. I wonder who he will look like? It will be a happy surprise and a joyful reunion.

****Just a side note my DH and I think the baby was a boy? Also I will be scheduling a D&C soon so prayers for that would be nice. Thank you.

What's been going on this past month

I haven't been able to blog for a while I've been feeling sick and very tired. But Now I'm feeling better which oddly enough is not good news :(

I found out shortly after my 31st birthday that I was pregnant. A total shock for me and my husband. After four years of infertility is this finally going to happen? A glimmer of hope a BFP.

Last Sunday I started to cramp and bleed a little bit so I went to urgent care to get things checked out. Long story sort they did a scan and while I was excited to see a heart beat and my little bean in there. The heart rate was really bad. I could tell right away when I looked at the monitor and saw the little flicker that it was not fast enough. And the baby looked too small for being nearly 8 weeks along. In fact they said the baby was only measuring at 6 weeks. Bad news. I had a follow up with my ob the next day same story.

I will have a scan done in a week to see how things have "progressed" but it isn't looking good. Most likely I will miscarry soon. Wish I had happier news to report thank you for your prayers.

What to do Next?

I can't believe that it's been over a year since our last attempt at fertility treatments and we still haven't made any tangible movement toward building our family. I'm not pregnant, we can not adopt at this moment because financially it's not possible, fertility treatments are not really in the plans because of financial reasons. Do I really want to spend thousands of dollars that we don't have on some thing that has a bigger possibility at failing than working? These are trying times for us.

The frustration of being in the same spot year after year makes my stomach ache. I just want to put this all behind me and move on, but I can't. I can't because God is still working He's not finished breaking and binding molding and shaping. His grace is working in our hearts in such a way to make us more and more like His only begotten Son Jesus Christ. Who is my Maker, my Friend, my Savior, my kinsmen, my King, my God.

What if I never have my child half me half my husband growing and being knit together in the hidden parts of me, can I endure with joy? "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me." Galatians 2:20a

If His life is the only life I ever have conceived in me and growing in me then how can I ever complain? He has poured forth the whole store house of His blessings upon my head.

Honestly I don't always feel blessed but I am. I have to exercise my mind to dwell and cling to God's promises in Christ. But its still hard being a woman with such a desire in my heart to be a mother remaining unfulfilled. It has far reaching effects into all facets of my life. I say that not with a complaining spirit its just and honest struggle that God has used to test me and to shape me, break me and to bind me.

"For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure." Phil 2:13

I must say oddly enough my infertility might actually have been an answer to prayer.......in a round about sort of way. Have you ever prayed to be made more into the image of Christ? I've prayed that since the beginning, "Lord make me like Jesus, make me holy." In reference to my sanctification here on earth. Well nothing has served to strip me of my pride and self sufficiency more then not being able to conceive. I have nothing to boast in except Christ. I've been made more compassionate, meeker and milder, stronger and braver by His grace working in my heart. His grace always produces fruit. I have to say God is amazingly wise. And through all of my days and all of the troubles that they bring I have a compassionate high priest named Jesus making intersession on my behalf and behalf of all the saints. Praise God!

The good news is God works, not me I should be resting in Him. Knowing that the complex issues of conception is in His hands and my life as small and insignificant as it is, is firm with in His compassionate hands. So I will just rest in Him and trust in Him to take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to thee.

News

Well I've made it through a day that I've been anticipating for some time. And of course it comes during a very tender time of the year smack dab in between our 6th wedding anniversary and my 31st birthday with out any children. I never could never have imagined that I would enter my 30's with out a baby in my arms but here I am and its all for my good and His glory. Also at church there are many freshly born babies and expecting women every where, and that is very good, but very hard for people like me. Praise the Lord that He is at my side and that I'm on His side.

The past weekend I found out that my amazingly sweet sister in law is expecting! Which is an answer to prayer. I love her and I'm so excited for them. I'm sure that she has been waiting her whole life for this! This will be an amazing time for them as a couple as they wait for their little blessing to arrive. But unfortunately for people like me this is a two sided coin. My initial reaction was pure joy and excitement but then the coin fell on the other side and things started to really sink in.

I don't know about you but I mourn infertility like as if some one I love very much has died. I sob and cry like I've just lost some one I love and I have done this for the better part of our six years of marriage. I believe that infertility is a death. And that fits in to my Christian walk just beautifully because as a believer before life and joy in the truest sense can be received there always has to be a death. Especially death to your self. I don't always enjoy the process but it's good and has to happen.

"He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."
Matthew 10:39

"Verily, verily, I say unto you, except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit." John 12:24

So, it turns out that this coming year I will have lots of practice of dying to my self and taking things that I've held and depended on and letting them go to God and surrendering my ENTIRE being to God. Every last bit of me goes to Him. He is my hope and my light!

I want to be His servant. Come what may.

Our 6th Wedding Anniversary

My husband and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on Monday. Six years of marriage sure did fly by fast. We didn't do anything fancy just a nice dinner at an Italian place, the tiramisu was fantastic, the best! We really just had a nice time being together, praying and talking about where our marriage has been and how God has an amazing future planned for us.

Our marriage has definitely been a mixed bag of bitter and sweet times, both because of sin and circumstance. But God in His providence and Love has held us together like glue!

" What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:9

I'm oh so thankful that the Lord saved us both! And He is making our marriage all the sweeter as we learn God's ways and grow in the Lord and all for His glory. Infertility has actually grown us closer together as one with Christ as we seek to obey Him in this trial and humble ourselves.

1 Peter 5:6-8 "Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time."

I'm so richly blessed to be married to a man like Rick. His heart just beats for the Lord and he loves His word. He guides me in prayer and in leads me in reading he teaches me so much about the word and answers all of my questions. Rick has been so kind and compassionate through all of my suffering. Baring long with me. And over looking many many wrongs done.He loves me! And I love him!

What a blessing it is to know that your partner will never leave you, ever! Even if your barren. Because our marriage has been built on the sure foundation of Jesus Christ our blessed Redeemer and His grace flows through our marriage and spills out of it. Thank you Jesus!

I hope by this time next year maybe we will have our little one flesh bundle of joy or maybe God will perform an adoption miracle for us. But if not I'm so glad that (((we))) have Christ and each other.

Been a Long Time

Well I've been really busy and very tired and haven't made the time to write any thing in weeeeks! I just want to let you all know that I've been able to check in with all of you via your blogs and I've been lifting you up in prayer to our Great God in heaven. I'm getting ready to turn in for the night but I had to quickly share some quotes from a book I'm reading about trials. The title is Finding God's Path Through Your Trials by Elizabeth George. So good night and I hope you find these quotes to be an encouragement to your souls.

"If we cannot believe God when circumstances seem to be against us we do not believe Him at all." Charles H. Spurgeon (my favorite preacher ever)

"The effect of testing rightly borne is strength to bear still more and to conquer in still harder battles."

"Just as the stars shine brightest in the darkest night so your joy blazes brilliantly through life's worst problems when you count them as joy."

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved." Helen Keller

Thoughts on Family

I do this weird thing, maybe some of you do it too. When ever I’m on longer drives I check my review mirror every so often and check out the back seat of my car as if I’m expecting a car seat holding my sleeping baby or some thing. I really wish I’d stop doing that it makes me sob every time I do it and it’s just weird. As I was driving today I was thinking about infertility and what’s the purpose of my humble existence and then I saw a huge Bonn fire with tons of smoke up ahead and thought how symbolic. All my dreams of becoming pregnant going up in smoke, ha!


Infertility has certainly left me confounded as to my life’s purpose and to what constitutes a family. What does a women do if shes not going to be a mother Lord? Or lets say we adopt will the child really be mine? Its funny how you can usually tell a nanny from the mommy and the baby sitter from the mama or the teacher from mom. Even though they may be really close to the children and care for them longer than actual mom the kids know who mommy is. When ever I see that acted out in life it makes me just wonder will it be that way if we adopt? Will I really get to be some ones mommy or only some pretend mommy?


I just wonder, there’s just this hesitation about it and I think I have to work through that with my husband and the Lord. I’ve really been forced to reconsider what is family and relinquish what I always though would be the perfect family to the Lord. I always had a desire to adopt after I had our biological children. I get such comfort and encouragement to adopt from verses like Luke 8:19-21. And also my own experience when I became a believer in Christ. I suddenly had fellowship with my true family God being my Father and other believers my brothers and sisters. Of course I still love my biological family very much and they are very important to me and I long to see them saved. However even though I don’t share an immediate biological link with other Christians they are my family in the truest sense by the Spirit of Christ and maybe adoption is something like that. A beautiful family work that only Christ can orchestrate in the heart of the would be parents, birth parents, and baby.


I still hope to become that huge pregnant lady some day but I’m hoping that I’ll hope for that less and less. And just let that go entirely and let God do what God wants do in my life and trust Him completely. I never realized how much of my worth as a woman I attached to being able to conceive and have children. There is so much valor and honor that comes with being a pregnant woman in my eyes, risking your life for that of your flesh and blood and just the shear joy of being chosen by God to carry this life hidden away in your womb. I find being infertile way less romantic and valiant. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe it just looks differently but is still just as brave and glorious. We shall see!

The Grace for all Trials is in the Gospel of Jesus Christ

I was listening to a song on the radio a few days ago and the words in the chorus really got me thinking. Its a popular song on my Christian station and I don't think I really ever was so struck by the words before and I wondered mmmmmmmmmm God? are you really ALL that I want? I can say that so easily when I'm in worship mode but is that true of me. It should be, but is it? It just seems my sinful nature always wants more, better, faster and I grumble, covet, and despair when I don't get Jesus AND. I have Jesus do I need the AND?

I was really convicted and torn over this discovery! I mean I've always known to a certain degree my idolatry but God showed me some more degrees of it I guess. I'm convinced that I really need to learn in my heart and apply all that I have in Christ's gospel to over come this and be content and joyful. I have been saved from eternal hell all my sins have been forgiven because Jesus died for me............while I was still an enemy of God. I get to have a relationship with God Almighty isn't this MORE than enough. It's certainly infinitely more that I ever deserve! Honestly I should be glowing because I have been graced by God!

I'm convinced that through going to God's word and learning more about the gospel of God that I will grow more and more in love with the Lord. And from this His grace will abound and will be flowing through all my trials and my heart purging me of sin drawing me closer it Him and His people.

Any way it's been a tough week to be an infertile gal and I've grumbled and despaired way too often, I just need a fresh infusion of the grace of the Gospel. The gospel is every thing and I hope I remember this. It's the only way to live a fulfilled life whether I have the blessing of children or not.

Father God please give grace for every trial and draw us all closer to you.

Very often closeness to God is the grace of the trial and I'm thankful for that :)

God is Good

It’s sure been a while since my last post! I've just been so busy with work and what ever that it’s been difficult to get to my computer for any length of time.

God is so good to me and I’m so thankful to be in His kingdom by Christ’s precious blood!
It truly amazes me how God cares for every detail of my life. He permits evil, and grants the grace to do battle against it. He allows trials and temptations, and He lifts me up on eagles wings. He even gives me my daily food and drink and clothing to wear! I’m in awe of the fact that God created me knowing that I would be infertile and that He is getting glory from this. I’m just not totally sure how it all works, thankfully He does!


“Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him: yea, I have made him.” Isaiah 43:7


It’s been a struggle for me at work lately, just walking into the locker room can be over whelming for me on one of my more sensitive days. All of the locker are covered with colorful photos of babies and children doing all sorts of cute things. But sigh, mine is blank, barren, blah. I think I will eventually get some pretty scripture magnets to decorate with. Any way that’s not really the point. It’s just been so obvious to me that every one can have children, every one……..except that small percentage of infertile couples. I think that’s why it can be so hard to find some one who understands and why people can be so judgemental because for most every body kids just are, it's easy.

Unfortunately they ARE considered to be more of a nuisance than a blessing to their parents. When people tell me that “I’m so lucky that I don’t have kids” the Lord blesses me to be able to answer them back and to lovingly correct them. No: Children are a blessing from heaven.


“Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” Psalm 127:3

Sometimes they say to me, “Well you don’t understand because don’t have kids, some day you‘ll know. Just wait!”


Of course it doesn’t really matter how I feel about children. God has spoken and He makes it clear that they are a blessing and should be cherished, tended to nurtured, and loved. And I will stand on that. They are not to be bullied around or yelled and screamed at spoiled rotten or kept at day care for 12 hours for their entire life. But that’s just the way most folks see their children as an inconvenience to their self centered desires and ambitions. It’s how the world and it’s system works. And if not for the grace of God I would be the same way, but He is remaking me into some one different than that.

But it is still challenging to be told things like this on almost a daily basis. So I pray and need prayer that I would:

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16

And that I would

“…..seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.” Colossians 3:1


I think I very often can get in to trouble when I start to dwell on my self and my circumstances. I have to train my mind to dwell on the Infinite and Glorious One, Jesus Christ!

On a side note~

I started this blog to express my struggles with infertility, mainly with others struggling with this and to document what God was doing through infertility. Also I wanted to hopefully encourage others going through similar circumstances. My post are expressions of my heart and yes I agree often my heart can be ugly (i.e. sinful). So please keep that in mind when you read. I will readily admit and agree with God that I am an idolater, no surprise there! And wanting children sooooo badly can easily become an idol in my heart. I’m very thankful that He has used this trial to expose that and too make me aware. I just want this blog to be a place where I’m free to share my thoughts and inner dialog with God, and it’s not always pretty! I just thought that I would make readers aware.


Thanks for hanging in there and reading such a long post :)

There’s so much the Lord has taught me these past few days, especially though reading the Gospel of Luke! So much application with infertility and so much to think about………more on that later. Jesus is truly my God and my helper!

The Potter Works Only with Soft Clay!

I hope you enjoy this like I did. It's from the GFA magazine the 5 minutes with K.P. section. I love K.P. and his heart for the Lord!


The Potter Works Only with Soft Clay!

When I was a boy, growing up in India, I often went to apotter's house near my high school. I was fascinated to watch him make clay vessels. During those visits, I never saw the potter take a hardened lump of clay and put it on his wheel to make something out of it. He, just like every other potter in the world, used only soft and tender clay to work with. So does God!
The prophet Jeremiah tells us that God is like a potter and His people are the clay He wants to form into a beautiful vessel. In order to accomplish this, God looks for soft and pliable hearts.
Man measures the quality and usefulness of a person by his education, ability and expertise. Yet God determines his true value by the condition of his heart: "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7).

What Happens if the Clay Is Hard?

If the clay is hard, the potter will spend days pouring water on it and pounding it thoroughly until it becomes soft. It took God 20 long years of "pouring and pounding" until Jacob's heart became soft enough. Moses needed 40 years of desert life to become the meekest man on earth (Numbers 12:3) who could lead Israel out of Egypt.
The Bible warns us not to harden our hearts: "Today, if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts" (Hebrews 3:15)."Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!" - John 1:29
It is possible for us as believers to have a tender heart for a season, but then when God speaks to us about an issue, to choose not to humble ourselves but rather to harden our hearts. This is not a good place for us to be, because the Bible declares: "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6).
The Lord will not just let us go. He will allow circumstances to pound us so our hearts will once again become soft and pliable. The people of Israel are the perfect example of this. Just think of how many times God allowed them to face famines, hardships, oppression, defeat and captivity in order to soften their hearts and help them return to Him!

What Causes Our Hearts to Become Hard?

Being poisoned by negative talk. One person in a church or ministry is dissatisfied, bitter, critical and unwilling to change. He starts to talk negatively and poisons others. Soon the atmosphere of love among the brothers and sisters is replaced by disunity, anger and hardness of heart toward each other and the Lord.
An elevated view of ourselves. We feel important because we do something significant for God's Kingdom, and we don't recognize that our heart is filled with pride, arrogance and an exalted view of ourselves. Often the symptoms don't show up until years later when our heart is no longer soft in the Potter's hand.
Rebellion. Any form of rebellion is like a tiny seed that, if not dealt with, will grow and eventually harden our heart and bring destruction. It begins with a tiny issue or a thought like this one: "Who does he think he is to tell me what to do? My life is none of his business!"—and it ultimately ends in death.

What Should We Do to Keep Our Hearts Soft?

Don't take God's grace for granted. Grace is given to those who are humble, not to those who are right or feel indispensable.

Watch over your heart (Proverbs 4:23). Don't keep company with those who spread negative talk, sow disunity or have a rebellious spirit. Love them and pray for them, but have no part with them. Believe me, you and I are not strong enough to withstand the poison they spread. It's in the atmosphere, and we breathe it in whether we intend to or not.

Submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). Don't fight for your rights. Be willing to give up something. Learn to let it be.
Don't think of yourself more highly than you should (Romans 12:3). Remember that all the gifts, talents and ministry you have are given to you by the Lord. Nothing is of yourself. It's all God's grace.

Be careful from whom you receive your counsel. That's especially important when you are disappointed because your expectations are not met. Don't go to a brother or sister who is not mature in the Lord and who sympathizes and agrees with your complaints and tears. Instead, go to someone who is mature and who can help you see the hand of God and His purpose behind the things you face.

Repent and run to the cross. If need be, do this a thousand times a day to maintain the tenderness of your heart. Whenever you seek the limelight, want to take credit, get hurt or when your expectations are not fulfilled and your plans don't work out, don't fight; go to the cross.

God always seeks to do one thing with us on the Potter's wheel—not to make us more powerful and famous, but to make us more like His Son, the Lord Jesus.

Little Bug

Prayers, prayers, and more prayers!

Many of you know and have read Elaine's blog God's Faithfulness through Infertility and are aware of Elaine and Dave's urgent need for our prayers. If you don't know about Elaine just a quick up date on them. They are adopting and their baby was born on May 27, 2009. The aren't sure if the birth mom will sign the papers to release the baby to them , who they call "Little Bug." My heart just goes out to them right now this has got to be so nerve racking, to put it lightly.

Two of Elaine's favorite verses


“For I know the plans I have you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Glory be to God who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we could ever dare to ask or even dream of. Ephesians 3:20

Dreaming

I’m letting go of a dream, of a dream of a dream. What was that dream any way? Oh yeah to get married and have babies. Beautiful babies with the cute little noses and half me and half him. I often feel like I’m in a nightmare and I want to know where my babies are, for real! My whole life has literally been on pause waiting for my children to arrive. As much as I try to move on, I’m still stuck! This is wretched! I’m wretched but declared righteous and being remade by the Lord Jesus. Thank you Jesus for taking my punishment upon your cross. Thank you for covering my defenseless head.


~Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to thee.


I’m sorry my dear readers all 2 of you, if I seem too spiritual and not grounded at all in the real world. I’ve been told that I’m too spiritual, but there’s a reason for that. I lack close family ties and deep earthly traditions, I'm infertile and I know that the earth is passing away and all works that are not for Jesus sake will be burned like stubble. My roots are not planted in this earth but on heavenly terrain. I long for the day when I will be free from the trappings of this mortal body, free from my fleshly mind of sin, free to worship Jesus as He is worthy to receive all praises and all honor and all glory!


Infertility has made me long more and more for the comforts of our Lord in heavenly places. What a joy it will be to see Him face to face, indescribable joy! All my sorrows and pain will be drown out by His inconceivable measures of love just poured out upon my head. I doubt I’ll even remember my infertility struggles, it will perhaps be a dream of a dream of a dream.

God's glory

WESTMINSTER SHORTER CATECHISM (1674)

In reference to the Lord's prayer.

Q. 101. What do we pray for in the first petition?

A. In the first petition, which is, Hallowed be thy name, we pray that God would enable us and others to glorify him in all that whereby he maketh himself known; and that he would dispose all things to his own glory.

~~~~~~~~~~~

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Its good to remember that the purpose for my life, for me being here on this planet in time and space is to glorify God. He gets ALL glory no exceptions. As Christians we pray and believe that the Lord would show Himself strong. We hate seeing Him and His Son regarded as nothing more that a fairytale. God's glory is another facet to this infertility trial that I struggle to understand.

I'm often grieved that many unbelievers, people I know, understand that I'm a believer in Christ. Yet they see that I've not been blessed with children. They also know that having children is an unfulfilled longing in my heart. I'm worried that they will equate this with God's ability's and say in their hearts, "See her God is unable to make her conceive." This is a great concern of mine.........I think it makes God look bad. Now I know that in the end that God will not be mocked by unbelief and He does whatever He wills, but sometimes I can't help but think about this.

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It's been difficult when the multitudes of ladies at work ask, "Any babies yet?" and I have to sheepishly reply, "No, not yet." Then they get a blank stare on their face and tell me that I can have theirs (HAHAHA). I hope and pray that God will show Him self strong for His glory sake. I know it might sound silly but I was thinking. Man wouldn't it be great if everyone knew that, even with fertility treatments I was unable to get pregnant. And then one day bam! I'm expecting :) I just think that that would be an amazing witness to God and His power. But I confess that's just me day dreaming a bit, I pray it happens.

I know that He is ABLE. Even if I never conceive I pray that the Lord will show Him self strong in my life and that MUCH glory will be brought to His name by my humble existence here on earth. I pray that by His grace I will live my life and finish well so that He will in turn get all the glory!

Inspiration for my Walk

The cross is not made of soft feathers(Charles Spurgeon)

"Take up the cross--and follow Me."

Mark 10:21

You have not the liberty of making of your own cross; although unbelief is a master carpenter at cross-making. Neither are you permitted to choose your own cross; although self-will would gladly be lord and master. Your cross is prepared and appointed for you by divine love--and you are cheerfully to accept it.

You are to take up the cross as your chosen portion, and not to stand caviling at it. Jesus bids you to submit your shoulder to His easy yoke. Do not . . . kick at it in petulance,or trample on it in vain-glory,or fall under it in despair,or run away from it in fear.

Take it up like a true follower of Jesus.

Jesus was a cross-bearer; He leads the way in the path of sorrow. Surely you could not desire a better guide! And if He carried a cross--what nobler burden would you desire?

The Way of the Cross is the way of safety--do not fear to tread its thorny paths.

Beloved, the cross is not made of soft feathers, or lined with velvet--it is heavy and galling to disobedient shoulders! But it is not an iron cross, though your fears have painted it with iron colors! It is a wooden cross, and a man can carry it, for the Man of sorrows carried the load. Take up your cross, and by the power of the Spirit--you will soon be so in love with it, that like Moses, you would not exchange the reproach of Christ for all the treasures of Egypt!
Remember that the cross will soon be followed by the crown. The thought of the coming weight of glory--will greatly lighten the present heaviness of trouble. May the Lord help you to bow your heart in submission to the divine will--that you may go forth to this day's cross with the holy and submissive spirit which befits a follower of the Crucified.

This was Great

God led me to this blog and post. I found it to be so God honoring. I hope that you will enjoy it.

Exultingchristian.blogspot

Mother's Day Blessings

Another Mother's Day came and went and still I have no offspring, sigh. Not even close. We have no infertility treatments planed for a number of reasons and adoption is on hold for a while for a number of different reasons. But God is at work in the world and in our hearts.

I hesitated whether or not I should go to church on Sunday, maybe you did too. Mothers day at church can be so hard, because Christians hold motherhood in such high esteem, as they should. Sometimes though its just to much for me to take and I can easily crumble upon hearing motherhood honored on a day when I want to forget about all my troubles and come and worship Jesus. However I really wanted to go and to worship the Lord. So I went and the Lord had mercy upon me and blessed me!

We arrived early because my husband was an usher that day. I shuffled off to the bathroom and when I was washing up the associate Pastors wife was there. She was kind enough to ask me how I was doing "today". Now she is maybe in her late 40's and has struggled with miscarriages and was never able to have a child with her husband. They did adopt a son and he is about 14 or so and doing really well.

She was sharing with me how even though this day doesn't hurt like it used to she still struggles with it because she was never able to have a child. So we talked for a good while about our infertility pains and I was so blessed by her wisdom and faith. It was so good for me to see how this trial really deepened her trust, love and knowledge of the Lord. She reminded me that even if I never have children that there is so much hope in Christ our Savior. I'm so thankful to have some one who understands and is willing to sacrifice her time to counsel me if I'm in need.

She also hit on how this trial can feel like punishment, but it's not and we need to submit our "feelings" and experiences to the word of God. That was such an encouragement because I often feel like I'm being punished or God is frowning upon me. Only because this trial feels so totally punishing in so many ways. But the Word of God tells me that He only chastens those whom He loves, that He is never displeased with me at all because I'm in Christ, that He works all of this for our good and His Glory, there is no condemnation in Christ. Honestly I could go on with a lot more.

I do pray that this trial would end soon but I have hope. The Lord has blessed me with Christians who have walked the road ahead of me and have more love for God now then they did before infertility broke their hearts and greatly humbled them. And they all count it as a blessing.

Out Bursts

Do you ever find your self convicted of anger against God? This past week I found my self angry towards Him. I'm ashamed to admit it but I sometimes find my self in these fits of rage toward God throwing a tantrum like a two year old. Sorry to make you cringe! You would never have guessed it from the out side. But if you peaked through my window you may have caught me throwing a book across the room or something like that. I think anger can come with the infertility package, not that its an excuse to be angry. God uses these trials to draw out all the impurities in our hearts. I find that infertility can be a very stressful and frustrating situation. I have more good days than bad days now but still over all its a frustrating experience. Being angry at God is an issue I have failed to deal with and it can come out in sinful out burst towards the Lord. My Lord who loves me so much He died and took my punishment for me.

Praise God He is not surprised by this. He knows whats lurking in the dark corners of my heart. He also knows that I desire to be ride of my sin that so easily entangles and to mortify it. He offers me the gift of repentance and a deeper trust in Him. He knows what He's doing. He's God, God Almighty.

I think one of the most frustrating things about infertility is the futility of it all. All the time spent and the money spent for what? I expect results! I assume that most people like results. They don't like something that doesn't work or doesn't show results. Like when you put 50 cents into the pop machine it better produce a nice cold can of pop. Otherwise you must kick it and (despite the signs warning you other wise) ram your body up against it until you obtain the prize. Since its me that doesn't work and I figure that God is in charge of me, which He is. I find my self foolishly kicking at Him. Now that's an exercise in futility!

More and more, by His grace, I find my self counseling my soul in the following way.

Listen my soul, He is God and there is no other. He is the potter and I am the clay, He will do that which pleases Him and brings Him the most glory.

Then I turn my thinking toward the Gospel of Jesus Christ and all that He has blessed me and His people with in that. How He covers my defenseless head from the furious wrath to come. How I will never taste anything but God's grace and love, not a drop of His wrath! I think about all the promises as a believer that through Christ I'm able to claim, the riches of my inheritance in Christ. When I start to think like this it just changes my whole spirit. I go from an ungrateful brat to a true worshiper of Christ.

I look forward to being some ones Mommy some day and seeing my husband get to be a Daddy. But I'm still waiting, until then I want to be joyful in the waiting and to exalt the name of Christ. Of course at the end of my life I want to hear well done my good and faithful servant.

Back to work

Let the games begin! I'm heading back to my former place of employment after a two year reprieve. While I'm so grateful for the income that this job provides many things about heading back are difficult. First I feel like a failure, "sigh." One reason why I left was because we thought that this job was perhaps too difficult on my delicate feminine frame (ha ha) and perhaps hindering my fertility. While I was working there many of the ladies would very often be asking me about my efforts to conceive or they would be curious to find out why I didn't have any children. Many of them knew that a reason why I left was to "try" to have a baby. So I'm sure my return will be met with plenty of questions regarding the baby making issue. I'm just praying for God's strength not to break down, to remain strong, and to answer any questions with wisdom and love.

Second this is the end of the road for "TTC." I think for my own sanity I'm putting away trying to conceive for a while, probably six months to a year....which is hard to do because I'm not getting any younger. Right now I don't even want to think about my cycle and the best time to ttc. I need a breather. These past three years have been life altering and have caused every thing to change. I will spend the next year or so focusing on other things that God has put in my path and putting my life back together by God's grace. I really need to heal and recover from the effects of infertility and so does our marriage. We need time to recoup and regroup by God's grace and discover together what amazing plans God has for us.

I think we want to do more date nights and little trips to reconnect with each other. What do you all do to keep your marriages strong and alive during infertility? Let me know :)

The "plan" for now is for us to fix our house up and quickly as possible so that we will be able to put it on the market asap. My husband would really like us to move out of state some where more affordable. You can pray for us because we haven't quite figured out when exactly to start the adoption process, now or when we are all moved and settled in? Life is crazy!!! God Is very good!!!

I just wanted to mention my sweet friend and sister in the Lord. I want honor her for her friendship and love and compassion on her infertile friend. She is expecting and "broke" the news to me very kindly and with such love. I'm very excited for her :) and I'm in awe! I feel badly that I can't be a normal friend and be told such things in a normal way. SO thanks dear friend for your compassion and your gentle care of a weaker sister. She said perhaps the sweetest thing any one has ever said to me. When I was leaving her house she said that she was hoping that we could be pregnant together. I know that she meant in and probably prayed for that to happen. Lord bless you sister, I'm praying for you. And please pray for her too. Many people are mocking her for having the faith to have children in this economy. I hate how many consider children a curse and a bother instead of blessings from heaven above.

Trials of the Times

It seems that spring has finally sprung today. It's so warm and pretty out today,mid 70'zish. Its been so cool, windy and rainy lately. I was wondering if it would ever be warm again. Even though the weather is nice today I haven't be able to fully enjoy it as I'm fighting a nasty headache and nausea, yuck! But I did manage to force my self to take the dog out for a 20min walk, the sun felt so warm and yummy. It was good for the soul to get out in the sun shine :)

I've been feeling discouraged as of late and a little blue, which I haven't really had to deal with in the past few months. There has been a lot going on here in my little world that's out of my hands. First at my church the Lord is really calling home the saints. We have had 2 deaths in the past 2 weeks and one more on the way and a lot of sudden illnesses that needs prayer. Two of the deaths were very tragic and hard to take. Their deaths certainly don't make a lot sense to us this side of the veil. But its encouraging to know that these souls are beholding the glory of God and worshiping Him free from sin and a sickly body.

The Good Lord has certainly been deepening my and my husbands faith due to some our circumstances and plans that we have. My husbands position at work most likely in the very near future will be taken from him. Which is OK he can just head back to his former position; however the city he works for is planning to lay off workers and he doesn't have a whole lot of seniority. Also he is a strong believer and an evangelist and some of the "higher ups" don't like that. I trust that God has it all under control, because He reigns! We are just daily praying to the Lord to help us deal with these uncertain times, other wise you can worry yourself crazy! I'm not working right now but I did reapplied at for my former position thinking it would be a P.M. shift, which would work out great with church, come to find out it will be the day shift and the only problem with that is I would have to work on Sunday mornings. Which is something I thought that I would never even consider, but desperate times you know! We are planning a move and adoption and we could really use the money for sure, but is it worth it? Would we be in sin? I think we found a church that has a saturday evening service.We are still desperately praying about it and seeking counsel on that.

So lots of sticks on the fire and the Lord is testing us with fiery trials too! Ouch! Lots of prayer and reading His precious word with my best friend and husband Rick. I'm so blessed to have him :)

God's Heart for the Fatherless

Last Sunday during the sermon I was really struck by something in God's word. God reminded me about His heart for the weak and helpless. In the particular passage that we were in God had mentioned the fatherless. All through out scripture God mentions His heart for the orphans and reminds His people that He will never leave them as orphans. When I meditated on God's love for the fatherless, God's Spirit was really giving me a heart for orphans. This love was deeper and more sure of it self than before. Which is just what I needed as we pursue adoption. Here in America we aren't confronted on a daily bases with orphans and the hardships they must endure. So I thank God for the reminder of His love for them and that He has brought my heart more in line with His.

God is always so faithful to answer prayers. Over the past week God has been so gracious to give me such peace in my heart and clarity in my mind with the issue of my infertility and adoption. I really have a peace about it as I have come to grow, by God's grace, in my understanding of God's sovereignty over my life and His amazing love for me. I've come to see that God cares so much for me that He has given me this mountain of a trial, infertility. This trial was completely tailor made for me and my spiritual growth. God, in His wisdom knew exactly which nerve to touch to accomplish His will. While it doesn't always feel good, that's Love! By God's grace I'm considering it(infertility) all joy.

Take a Test....No Not THAT Kind of Test

Take this test and see how you do. It's definitely convicting and eye opening. I do love the grace of God's conviction and His grace to change us from foolish women into women who are blessed with wisdom from the Lord.

Quick Update

I must say I'm definitely unfocused lately and feeling scattered. Praise the Lord my head aches have been kept away thus far, although to be honest I've been feeling stressed out lately, but God is so good and merciful to me. I've been praying for His peace that surpasses all understanding to be a reality in my heart. Honestly as a Christian I should be the most peaceful person out there no matter what happens in my life, no matter how out of control things seem to me. Because I know that my God is sovereign, and He is Love, and He is Joy, He is the Mighty One, and my Savior and so much more! He is trust worthy and I trust Him with everything.

Just like those women that have 16 children say, "We're trusting God with regards to how many children we will have." Well SO am I and right now that's zero children and that's what God says for now.

We would love to adopt and we are still doing lots of research into that, we are still not decided on domestic or international. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. Both are can be very expensive! We are maybe considering adopting twins or a sibling pair. We are trusting that if the Lord is leading us down this path then He will provide the funds that we need. That's it for now. Sorry that I've been blogging poorly, I'm house sitting and the computer here is not really working for me. I've enjoyed reading your blogs and I'm praying for you all :)

Oh, my Aching Head

This past weekend was a painful one. Perhaps you can relate. I often get migraine headaches and I can usually manage with many Advil or Excedrin migraine,neither takes away the pain completely but dulls it enough that I can manage. But I have had so many migraines this past 2 weeks that its getting a bit out of control. I when to my doctor Thursday got a script for Imetrex and though that I was all set to do battle with my migraines. That night I awoke with a splitting headache, so I took an Imetrex and it worked beautifully. Victory at last!!! Victory over the pain!

However on Saturday I started to get a start of a migraine so I took my little magical pill and I thought it would work like it did last time. Not so, by 6p that evening I was in such pain so I took another little pill, nothing happened and my headache grew worse and worse still. And then the nausea, I tossed my cookies a few times. By 9pm we decided to go to the ER and see if they could help me the pain was so bad I was just writhing in pain, and the nausea was just awful!

My sweet hubby dropped me off at the door to the ER. I walk in to register looking like a zombie I'm sure. As I walk up to talk to the nice lady about my splitting insane migraine a sweet little girl who was sick started screaming right next to me in my ear. I mean blood curdling screams. I just loved the timing on that! Poor baby girl,though!

So they whisked me away and the lovely nurses got me an IV going and then the wonderful doc ordered some fantastic pain and nausea meds for my IV. I was doing much much better, but my headache and nausea wasn't totally gone. They asked me if I felt good enough to go home? Sure why not, I'm feeling better.

The next morning I awoke with the same splitting migraine and nausea! UGGG! So back to the ER. I was afraid that they would think I was some sort of pain med junkie looking for a high. So just a repeat of the night before. The nice doctor gave me something to "break" my headache......oh I like the sound of that.

Well I'm doing much better now, praise God! And you might be wondering what this has to do with infertility. Well I will have to visit a neurologist soon and they will want to put me on meds that aren't pregnancy friendly. So I just ask for prayers and wisdom from God on how to proceed with all of this. It's a little frustrating. I just want to get pregnant and maybe its just not meant to be.

Empty Pockets, Empty Arms,Full Hearts

I’m just wondering has this happened to you? You’ve been praying and praying and then finally you have your answer from the Lord. It seems clear as day what the Lord wants you to do and to prepare you for. You even see God working in your life putting all the pieces of the puzzle together to fulfill His will in your life. When, suddenly every thing just falls apart mid stream. And you left standing there wondering what just happened? You think to yourself, I thought we were going this direction Lord? I thought it was going to be smooth sailing Lord. Obviously His ways are not my ways!

I was under the impression that we were only months away from beginning our home study for adoption and I was just so excited about that. But when my husband and I looked at our bills we realized that all this money that we thought we had saved toward adoption would have to go toward paying our bills instead. That a was devastating and frustrating moment. Then the next day I had to resign from my position because of some disgusting and degrading things that were being said on a daily basis and then when I saw an email that my co-worker was viewing, I just had to call it quits. I refuse to work in that type of environment. So now what?

It seems that we are back to square one. God has decided to strip us of all of our self sufficiency and all this extra money that I was trusting in and we’re back to just sitting at His feet. Asking Him for provision and thanking Jesus for His provision for our souls, we are waiting on Him and for Him. All of our adoption plans have come to a screeching halt for now, so we wait and trust and rejoice in Him. Words can not express how I’m so thankful for this trial even though at the same time I long for it to be over with and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Christ has really used this trial to develop total reliance on Him and what a neat gift that will be for my children to see acted out in real life. I heard some say about their adopted child something like this, “this child might not have my eyes or daddy’s nose but he will have our faith.” Ultimately that’s what God desires most. God is amazing and His love is forever and I’m so blessed to be His child by adoption. And I look forward to having children of my own someday soon.

I still do pray to be able to conceive and I think that maybe I always will. As a woman this desire to have children can be so strong. But I must die to my self and my desires and put my trust in our Great God.

He just said what?

I have an IPOD, I think its a pretty handy device to have. I get to listen to sermons, the bible, and worship music all in the palm of my hand. I was on the tread mill today and happened to be listening to an past episode of Wretched Radio. All was good and well. It was a very good program and then he started to veer off on to the subject of octomom. To make a long story short he begged the question, “that maybe your womb is closed because of some sin in your life.” That’s pretty much a direct quote and it wasn't addressed to octomom it was addressed to just your average infertile couple. And the way that he said it was just so snarkey.

Now, honestly I would not be offended by the question if it was asked out of love from perhaps a member of my church who is familiar with the situation or a friend or some one who knows my husband and I. I think what got my feathers all ruffled is that it was a reminder to me that people all around me are thinking just that, and it I just want it to stop. Being infertile is such a vulnerable place to be. Some times its like walking around with a big scarlet letter A or I on, whatever. Does someone automatically think, “Oh he has heart disease he must have some sin in his life because God’s not healing him.” No that would be wrong. But they do think that when a woman is unable to bear children.

I know that there is sin in my life. Some sins I know about and some that I’m still blind too. The truth is I’ve only been a believer for three years and I’m thirty. SO God saved me and He has to reconstruct this broken, desperately sinful, and hurting woman into a woman worthy of her highest calling as a daughter of the King. And in His sovereign wisdom He is using bareness to do just that. I hope some day that He will “take away my reproach,” but for now I get to joyfully wait and see what amazing work He is doing in my life and the lives of other believers.


"But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Wait? Anonymous Poem

These past couple of weeks have been filled with so many trials and I couldn't even figure out were to start to wright. So I thought that this poem sums up every thing almost perfectly. I was blessed by it and it made my heart grow all the more for our Lord Jesus!

Desperate and helpless and longing I cried,
Patiently, lovingly, my Lord replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,"Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You said, wait?" my indignant reply,
"Lord,I need answers! I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened, or have You not heard?
By faith I have asked and I'm claiming Your Word!

"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me, 'Wait,'
I'm needing a 'yes' or a 'go ahead' sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"And,Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask and we shall receive.
And,Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry-
I'm weary of asking; I need a reply!"


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again,"You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun,
I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.

"All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be;
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint,
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair,
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

"You'd never experience that fullness of love.
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You'd know that I give and I save-for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"And you'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dreams for that loved one overnight might come true,
But-oh, the loss-if lost what I'm doing in you"

"So ,be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still,'Wait.'"

Any Given Sunday

Sunday mornings can be so tough for a Christian. it’s the one day you just want to be at rest and just take it easy. However it seems that the evil one is working over time by vigorously trying to tempt us and attack us all the more on Sunday mornings. Am I alone in this thinking? Last Sunday I was getting ready for our church service listening to a Christian radio station just enjoying the sermon that was playing. The sermon was on the subject of trials. So I thought wow this is great, because my heart was a bit troubled by a few things that had happened during the week and my spirit was looking for some encouragement and guidance regarding trials. All was going well until the preacher started talking about the trial of have an unexpected pregnancy. Mmmmmm………unless you are a dirty, starving, dirt poor women who has 12 kids and a husband who beats you, what right do you have to call an unplanned pregnancy a trial? Most of this preachers audience lives in nice big homes and drive nice big SUVs and have plenty of food in the fridge. Words can not express the outrage and the sinful anger this sparked in me, I fell into temptation and allowed my self to be mad! And sad. Instead of earnestly praying for all the men and women who seriously think this is an actual trial, I threw off self restraint and went off in my silly vain imaginations of what I would tell that preacher if I ever saw him. My Sunday morning was a loss at that point. Ugggg! Oh how I need God‘s grace to be slow to anger like He is.

I love the Lord God and I hope in Him alone. Its God’s will for my life to be given the blessing of this trial, I don’t mean to sound trite in saying that. Its true! It has wrought so many changes in my soul and brought me so much spiritual growth in the Lord. This trial has forced me to look at my identity as a woman in a different light. He has made me to find my happiness and joy in Him alone and not solely in His blessings. He has grown my understanding of marriage and family. In a sense Has destroyed my own foundation built of sand and He has picked up the pieces of my life and put them on the firm foundation of Christ, which is able to with stand the evil storms of this life. God is amazing! I don’t know if I’m alone in this but I have gained a more eternal perspective of things. He has made me to realize that this life has nothing for me I’m only a sojourner here on earth and a servant of the King of kings and my home is with Him in heaven.

Thank you Jesus!

Extra Income for Adoption?

God is amazing! When I started to realize that perhaps we would need to look in to adoption to build our family I was quickly over whelmed by the financial responsibility. It can cost as much as $30,000 and we don't have any thing close to that sitting in our bank account. And the fertility treatment option was around 3-5grand per treatment, no guaranties. So I just cried out to God in my confusion and desperation, how can this be Lord?

The Lord led me to a part time job that was close to home and pays very nicely.Even though its a tough job I've been truly amazed at how God has given me the strength and endurance to persevere. I pray that I will be faithful to proclaim the gospel with my co-workers. My husband also has the opportunity for some part time work (in addition to his f/t job) at the police department where I'm at.

In today's down trodden economy I think this is pretty amazing! God has provided the means to save for adoption! Praise God! We are by no means wealthy but if we are diligent to save we should have enough to cover the costs and to fix up our home. Thank you Jesus.

Just a side note that I find humorous. Every one is sort of freaking out about the economy. They are fretting about what to do with "their" money. I just think to my self mmmmmmmmm my husband and I are investing in babes. I don't think they sell that stock on wall street.

Tagged!

I've been tagged by The Red Stain. I'm supposed to list 25 random facts about myself and tag 3 others. I've read that its courteous to link back to the one who tagged you.

1. I was a wretched sinner and a very broken woman who has been forgiven, raised to life, and saved by Jesus 3 years ago this month while sitting on my couch and reading the book of Leviticus. Thank you Lord Jesus!

2. Jesus says he who hates his brother is a murder, but I did try to drown my sister when I was a kid in the swimming pool while in Florida because I hated her, crazy! Poor Girl I love her now and she has forgiven me, I think.

3. I love to travel and really enjoy other cultures, my favorite place to visit was Hawaii, Aloha!

4. My favorite accent is an Indian accent.

5. I used to drink a lot of beer. Thank you Jesus!

6. I met my husband while working at O'Hare for United Airlines in 1998.

7. I really enjoy horse back riding,hunter/jumpers.

8. When I was younger, like 12 I wanted about 12 kids.

9. I love reading my bible daily and praying daily, it makes me happy :)

10. One of the first things I thought about regarding my husband was, Oooh we would make lots of red head babies.

11. We eloped in Las Vegas at the little church of the west on 8-3-03. I was wearing black burks because my "cute" shoes hurt my feet. We were total pagans!

12. My husband was saved by Jesus shortly after I was, such a blessing!

13. I love to tell people about the Lord and His amazing gospel! Jesus has been so faithful to help grow me in this over the past 3 years.

14. I love my husband! I love learning about marriage and what God's purpose is for marriage.

15. Most of my family isn't saved. Please pray for them.

16. I went to massage school and worked for a chiropractor for a few years, the human body is an amazing creation.

17. By God's grace I don't believe in Evolution, apes to men. Please visit Answers in Genesis.

18. I love cool rainy days.

19. I long to live in the wide open spaces in the country, with horses and cattle and chickens and what ever! I find my self trying to talk my beloved husband into being a farmer or a cattle rancher,never gonna happen! When we moved to sycamore IL away from the suburbs I thought I was one step closer to achieving this desire. God has other plans for us, I must die to self and not forget that this life is not whats ultimately important. Some day all of this will be a faded memory.

20. My favorite name for God is Jehovah Sabaoth. Lord of host, He commands an army of myriads upon myriads of angels.

21. I love music, especial classical and Christian. Country music makes the list to. Mindy Smith is one I really like. I discover her playing on the airline head set while flying to Reno to attend my Grandmothers memorial service. I was so sad and her songs ministered to me before I was even a believer.

22. I can't sing to save my life, my hope is that in heaven I will sing like an angel to worship my God!

23. I wish I was closer to my Mom.

24. I'm a loner by nature and not very open, Jesus and His grace is teaching me to be more open with His people and that by His kindness they are my new family.

25. My womb is in the mighty trust worthy hands of God.

I've tagged Infertility and my Faith

Holden Family Experience

and Lost and Found (Hubby's blog)

A New Morning!

I just want to praise the Lord God Almighty for having such mercy on a sinner like me. I praise His name, He lifted my dark and sinful heart up out of the muck and mire of sin and sadness.

All last week my heart had not been content with circumstances that God has given me and it showed up in many ways. Inside my some what quiet demeanor I was screaming angry with my infertility and all the annoying circumstances that come along with it. Also my heart was bitter toward people that need my love and prayers and a kind word from me. The Holy Spirit of God had been beckoning me all week to come to Him and repent of all my known sin and be refreshed, but instead I closed my heart to Him and wallowed in self pity and bitterness. I was having a seriously hard time forgiving my co-worker who was driving recklessly and almost got us killed, and God's Spirit was guiding me to forgive but I didn't want to. I chose to remain angry and hateful towards him.

I've also have this fear that keeps creeping up in my thought life. I realized that my big fear is fast approaching. What is this fear? That my wonderful, sweet, and beautiful sister in law will get pregnant before me. This thought has struck terror into my heart for a couple years now, but until last week there was always time on my side. This is no longer the case. Because they are having their big official church wedding next month out of country and I know that soon after that the babies will be coming. I just want to love her and be there for her, but instead I'm caught up with thinking of how will this affect me. And your mind goes through all the possible scenarios that would cause grief in you infertile heart. I've been scared of what my reaction will be when I find out. I don't want to hurt her or be a wet blanked in any way for their happy event. Of course there's the belly you’ll have to see get bigger, all the chat about the baby and the excitement in her eyes, and the colors of the nursery, the list goes on and on. So it's a battle in my head because I love her and I wish it wasn’t so awkward for her or me. Infertility sucks is all I could think about this week.

Of course all of this is a gross simplification of what is actually going on in my heart and my brain, but I've just been scared. The word of God tells us to not fear and to trust in God, this should be so easy but sometimes because I'm a sinner it's not.

So I have all of this yuck on my heart when I walked into church on Sunday and then we all sang, "Come, Ye Sinners" and my heart just melted. While singing this song I knew that even though I am already saved by Jesus I found forgiveness afresh in Jesus. Right there as we sang, He was at work quieting my heart and healing all my wounds cleaning out all the poison. I must run to Him, is what I kept thinking. only Jesus can make me well no one else is able. I left worship so healed and full of joy. All the bitterness was gone with love in it's place, all the fear in my heart stamped out and replaced with trust in my God, all my sins were cast out as far as the east is from the west. Thank you Jesus for your mercy! And thank you all for your persistent prayers.

I now take courage that even though this trial of infertility can seem so cruel and punishing that on the other side of this stands the Risen Christ saying, “Well done my good and faithful slave……enter in to the joy of the Lord.”

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore:
Jesus ready stand to save you,
Full of pity, love and power:
He is able,
He is willing: doubt no more

Now, ye needy, come and welcome:
God's free bounty glorify:
True belief and true repentance--
Every grace that brings you nigh--
Without money,
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.

Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor for fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him;
This He gives you--
'T is the Spirit's rising beam.

Come, ye weary, heavy-laden,
Bruised and ruined by the Fall;
If you tarry till you're better,
You will never come at all:
Not the righteous--
Sinners, Jesus came to call.

View Him prostrate in the garden,
On the ground your Maker lies!
On the bloody tree behold Him,
Hear Him cry before He dies,
"It is finished!"
Sinner, will not this suffice?

Lo, the incarnate God, ascended,
Pleads the merit of His blood:
Venture on Him, venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude:
None but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.

The Song I have on My Heart This Morning

"The Power of the Cross"
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music

Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

CHORUS:
This, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Ev'ry bitter thought,
Ev'ry evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.

Now the daylight flees;
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the vict'ry cry.

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death;
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

FINAL CHORUS:
This, the pow'r of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us.
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.

I have left the building

My husband and I were invited over for dinner with a family from church that we didn't know very well. I did know that they have 5 kids and that the wife looks like she's 16! Amazing. Another couple was there that we didn't know that well either. I was feeling better (I was in a car accident with some crazy driver on Wednesday) so we decided to get out and make some friends. We had a really nice time. My husband got to talk about things of the Lord with some really good strong believers, the men hit it off really well.

Of course I knew for me right away that there would be some awkward moments with the women because one was very cute very sweet a newly wed and pregnant. So naturally the conversation would be steered in that direction. God is so good and gracious to me. I was able to participate some what normally in the conversations and I honestly had such a nice time with them. Man I hope I can be pregnant some day!

My husband told me about an amazing but true story he heard on a Christian radio show in Chicago. There was a couple who tried for a long time to have children with no success. They found out about two young teenage girls in their area who were pregnant. They were going to adopt each young woman's babay. It turned out that both women ended up having twins, so they went from 0 kids to 4 kids in a matter of weeks. Shortly after taking home the four babies, the wife who was unable to have children became pregnant with triplets (excuse me whilst I throw up). So in one year, they have gone from 0 kids now to 7! Just amazing, the parents were Christians and were praying and trusting God Almighty and look what He did for them! Praise the Lord!

Little Miss Hermit

As a woman struggling with IF, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be around people, especially Christians. I would rather curl up with a good book or chat with my husband and never leave the house. I'm becoming this weird hermit and I don't like that! At this point in my walk with Christ I thought I would be an amazing woman of God (with children), serving in His church and helping His people whom Christ identifies so closely with. Instead I find my self hiding from them and becoming weary of what they say to me. And it feels like I've taken five giant steps back in my walk with Christ.

I hear Mom's complain about their children in appalling ways. I have seen how they treat their children and its not always nice, degrading and embarrassing them. Now I'm not saying that they are horrible parents, no way! It's just that as an outsider when I come and visit Parentville it's not always so pretty. And I don't think most Christians appreciate what a gift that their children are, and that they are God's precious children on loan to them.

I do know that they all long to raise godly children. Its an impossible standard parents put on themselves to raise godly children for Christ. You must admit that you can't do it and throw yourself in to the loving arms of Christ and be totally dependant His power. I see so many parents that dwell in survival mode night and day, my heart goes out to them they don't see that the power of God is available to them and it seems that they don't enjoy parenting at all. Every thing is done in their own strength and they are very weary. It would be nice if the moms that I talked to just honestly said that they are struggling and need Christ's guidance instead of complaining about their blessings and looking for ways out of parenting and passing the buck to a day care provider.

I just haven't figured out what to say to a mom who complains about not getting enough sleep, I would die for that! Or my child is acting up all the time I can't take it any more, I long to teach them and to discipline my children in a godly way. Mom's who know I'm struggling complain about all sorts of stuff regarding their kids in front of me. It's like nails down a chalk board and its really hard for me to hear. I wonder what I complain about that really annoys others? I know its hard to be a mom, I think I understand that. I just want them to love their children!

If some one was longing to be married and God hasn't given them a spouse yet I wouldn't dare complain about my husband in front of them, in fact it would lead me to grow in appreciation for my husband and thankfulness to God for him. I wouldn't give them half baked advise about how to get a spouse or complain and then say, "Well, you should be glad that you don't have to deal with this yet." My heart would be tender to them, but maybe that's because I know what its like to not have the longings of your heart met.

All this to say I am struggling with people and my natural sinful instinct is to retreat into my protective shell and avoid pain and confrontation with others. I'm praying that the Lord will grow me in love for Him and His people. And that I will abound in grace and mercy towards them forgiving them always for the hurt that they often cause me. I hope soon that I can come out of my shell and be useful for Christ sake. I want to enjoy His people and minister to them. I want to consider it all JOY!

Let me know how you have learned to deal with Mom's who complain about their kids. Are you upfront with them or do you just pray for them, let me know :)

Article

I found this article on via the google news page and I found a few things just appalling. First of all I applaud this women and praise God that she did not listen to the doctor's "advice" to "selectively reduce" her pregnancy! The pressure this mother must have been under to kill her babies must have been enormous. Please notice the wording that states that the babies are, "doing 'amazingly well.'" It sort of has a snobbish over tone of, this stupid women decided to have 8 babies, oh the nerve of her. Then the last paragraph I find just plain old disturbing. It again implies that only stupid women don't "reduce" and that maybe some day "they" will force women to reduce. Please read and let me know what you think. Did I read too much in to this?

Hospital: Calif. octuplets doing 'amazingly well'
By SHAYA TAYEFE MOHAJER – 58 minutes ago

BELLFLOWER, Calif. (AP) — The nation's second set of live-born octuplets were all breathing on their own Wednesday, 48 hours after a woman gave birth to the surprising bunch in Southern California.

Three of the babies were still receiving supplemental oxygen, but were inhaling and exhaling on their own.

"They're doing amazingly well," said Socorro Serrano, spokeswoman for Kaiser Permanente's Bellflower Medical Center, where the babies were born.

The mother, whose identity remains a secret, had not yet been able to hold any of the delicate babies — six boys and two girls — who were born weighing between 1 pound, 8 ounces and 3 pounds, 4 ounces. However, she was able to see them in their incubators Tuesday night.

Five of the babies have begun feedings on donated breast milk through tubes. The three others were expected to begin feeding later Wednesday.

The mother has begun pumping breast milk in anticipation of eight hungry babies, said Serrano.

Doctors were surprised by the birth of the eighth baby, because they were only anticipating seven, said Dr. Harold Henry, one of 46 staff members who delivered the babies by Caesarean section.

Details about how the octuplets were conceived have not been released, but doctors not involved in the delivery believe the mother was likely on fertility treatment.

Dr. Daniel Mishell, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Southern California's Keck School of Medicine, recommends carefully monitoring pregnancies involving fertility drugs by ultrasound.

Multiple births can be dangerous for babies and their mother, and in some cases, may result in lasting health problems. However, in cases where a woman insists on having multiple births, there's a limit to a doctor's role.

"You can't mandate a reduction of pregnancies," Mishell said. "You can advise them, but you can't mandate them."

Martin Luther King

In honor of a great man of God Martin Luther King. I always marvel at the sinfulness of this nation that allowed such racial discrimination to continue for so long. Where were the Christians? Did they speak out against this? If those in politics would have just read their bibles and trusted in the words of the Lord they would have seen that all men are equal in God's eyes. And according to the word of God we are all one race descendants of Adam. This man was clearly used mightily by God!

quick up date

Sorry I haven't been able to post my update I've been a little busy. I saw my new doctor last week and He was a nice man but I could tell that he was in a big hurry because he had a lot of patients to see. He didn't have a whole lot to say except that I was over weight and that maybe loosing a couple pounds would help. Ekkk!!! He said I "wasn't that bad though." I got a laugh out of that!

It tends to annoy me when people suggest that I loose weigh (to get pregnant) because when I first started out trying to get pregnant I was an OK weight. Then after months and months of nothing and quiting my physically intensive job and sitting at home like a Lop and being a bit depressed helped me to gain 65 lbs in about 8mos! So all that to say when I was less chubby I still couldn't conceive. But I digress its still a good idea to drop a few pounds so I will try, and I was told to avoid wheat and common food allergy items.

He also recommended an RE for me to go see after I loose some weight. SO I'm still hoping that this will be the year that God has for us to bring a child into our home! I'm not going to lie I've been struggling with realizing that I'm getting older and that I have NO children yet. It hurts so much some times. Also it's been a real challenge to talk to people. This infertility thing and other trials have really made me shy, because I'm hurting and most people have nice families a big home and a good job etc. and I feel like my life has been completely shaken stirred and turned around and I don't want to bother any one with my issues. I have a couple of good friends that love me and are concerned for me and I for them and of course my husband which is such a blessing. But I don't have a particular group that I belong to and I often feel left out (sounds pathetic I know), I'm like a square peg in a round hole. Most women my age usually have young children and babies and their life is going wonderfully and my life is just different. The good thing about being so out of place is that I'm totally reliant and dependant on Jesus and I lean on Him for every thing.

So my next step in this trial is to try and loose some weight call the RE and keep praying to my Lord for His grace. And "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:14

"Be careful for nothing ; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

Doctor Doctor

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new doctor to get a second opinion on things and he's also closer to us. I'm not really excited about it, I'm annoyed that I have to keep going to these appointments. They are some what taxing on a women. I do hope that he will figure out something that help me to conceive, it's so confusing though because I know in my heart of hearts that it is God alone who allows conception and not mans scientific techniques and medicine.

I've never been pregnant. Never! Not even close. And at this stage in the game I think all I can hope for is a miracle. So I do ask the Lord to allow me to conceive, I know that He can if that is His will for me. I pray for His guidance and wisdom as I continue to walk through this trial with Him by my side. I don't want to cry at my appointment, my tears come so easily now. I hope that through Jesus that my heart will be where it needs to be to ask lots of questions and I hope that the doctor will be honest and helpful. I hope I will be pregnant soon, "sigh." I found my self day dreaming the other day about what a JOY it would be to bring a new baby home :) But if not, I have JOY,JOY,JOY in Jesus Christ and in His inheritance and promises.

I just found out that an old friend of mine is expecting a baby very soon. And I was so happy for her but then she told me that she had a dream that I was pregnant. For what ever reason that made me so sad, it bothered me. No, I'm not pregnant. I think every one I know has had a dream that I was pregnant, unless God has clearly sent the dream I just wish people would not tell me this. I have had dreams that I know CLEARLY have been sent from God as a comfort to my soul during this time, He is so kind and gracious.

Please if you would remember me in your prayers. We are still looking into adoption right now and doing some "home improvements" (our house needs work) to help with our home study. I'm just hoping that 2009 will be the year that we get to welcome a new baby into our lives.