Thoughts and Ramblings

I've visited a couple different Churches lately with family and noticed that a certain issue still annoys me.

Almost immediately after I became a believer my husband was saved too. We decided that we should start trying to conceive. Our prayers went something like, "God, may we quickly conceive a health baby." I'm glad that the Lord didn't answer our prayer in the way we had initially hoped.

I think I'll start with why I'm annoyed with pastors in general. The first church that I attended after becoming a believer was doing a series on "The Family" when I walked in on the scene. What did they mean by family.....kids. How to raise 'em, how to keep 'em off drugs, how to get 'em to have the right kinds of friends, how to get them to get 'em to do well in school.

Please keep in mind that I have just been saved from a horrid life of sin. All that I wanted to hear about was the glories of CHRIST and His gospel and I didn't even have any kids so how does this apply to me and my life. But being new to all this and really enjoying and eating up the scriptures I went along with it, not giving much thought to whether or not what they were teaching was even biblical. It seemed Christian enough they used scripture a lot.

After months went by I was getting weary of this child centric churchianity, but maybe I was just bitter because I couldn't conceive a child. Then the months turned in to years and thankfully we found a church with a pastor that was dedicated to preaching the Word of God and the glories of Christ. AHHH, at last my soul was being fed! Now if I felt uncomfortable with the sermon it was because of my sin and not because I was childless. Although, the burden of being childless hung over me like a pendent rock, on Sunday I longed to be raptured in the beauty of God and His gospel.

Still to this day I see that in most churches it's all about family, about being healthy, and well balanced. I don't think Christ died for me so that I can have my best life now, with perfect kids, an amazing marriage, and a cute behind. Maybe the Lord has given you a rebellious child or an unhappy marriage, or a very broken body. Wouldn't these be trials? Aren't Christians supposed to go through many difficult trials during our life? James 1:2 and Peter 1:6 just to name a couple of verses.

It seems very idolatrous, to me, to put the family up on such a pedestal. Is it wrong to bring these things up in a sermon once in a while, no. But preach Christ, not how to have a healthy perfect marriage with nice kids that never get in to trouble. Seek the kingdom first, look to Christ for your joy He died for you. If I had to look to my family for happiness and fulfilment I would be depressed, if I look to Christ I'm lifted up and I'm able to serve Him.

Also during the 4 years of being a believer and the whole time being unable to have any children, I only really had enjoyable fellowship with a few women. Most women are just absolutely consumed with being moms. How can I fellowship with someone who all that they want to talk about is schooling and running around with the kids? I have nothing to say to that, I wanted to mainly talk about Christ. I got the sense that many Christians think that the gospel is something that you need but then once you have it you move on to the deeper things in life. Like how to have awesome kids with good self-esteem, and that I would understand that some day.


Come on ladies lets learn about Christ and study His word and learn to apply it to our lives. I'm amazed that when I read the scriptures how well many women mentioned in the O.T. and the N. T. knew the Word of God. Now when you're really busy with little ones there is no way you will be able to devote hours of study to the bible. But every little bit stored up in our hearts is so endlessly important.

However some women,even though they had many children, were a source of wonderful fellowship, encouragement, and prayer during this time. They loved their family and served them but they loved Christ much more. I'm so grateful to God for them.

From, Crap its happening again~ to, I'm 32 weeks along?

It's really been a long long time since posting on a regular basis. So I will just give a quick update for anyone out there still keeping tabs.

So much has been going on; I can't even wrap my brain around it. I feel as though I'm being catapulted through time and space and just holding on to Jesus for dear life! It's a good place to be.

I am pregnant! After my miscarriage last October I was really hoping to get pregnant again but I didn't really expect it to again happen ever. I had taken a new job and my husband and I were trying to save up money to adopt a baby, and I was getting really excited about that direction for my life, even though it would have take years for us to get there.

In March I went out for some shopping "therapy." It was around time for Auntie Flow to arrive. Of course, not the best time to go shopping for clothes. I seemed more bloated than normal though, the crazy thought went threw my head that maybe you are pregnant. Ha, infertile lady dumb thought; so I went ahead and bought my new wardrobe. After four years of infertility and one devastating miscarriage the month to month torment of thoughts that you maybe pregnant because your bloated, crabby, tired, etc, were a constant plague, so I've just learned to suppress them.

However, I just couldn't shake this nagging feeling that I was pregnant. I had been losing weight every week and that came to a screeching halt and I was so bloated. So I did what any crazy infertile woman would do and peed on one of those sticks. You know what, the darn thing came back positive!

Fast forward to -the O' crap its happening again. I was about 5-6 weeks pregnant and I started to have a lot of pain on my right side. Yada yada, I went to the insane ER somewhere in Chicago. They did an ultrasound and told me that it didn't look really good. If you'll remember the previous baby had a heart rate that was too slow; same story with this one :(

I was devastated, I prayed and cried. That's all that I could do. But to my surprise that baby is still hear, still growing and developing! I've been in an utter fog these past months. It's finally starting to settle in my brain that I'm actually going to have a baby, Lord willing of course.

So we had to move because I lost my job ((I had a crack pot doctor who wouldn't grant me leave from work when I was so ill for many months.)) I can't believe, besides being a prego, all the amazing things that the Lord has done and the strange path that He has lead us on.

While I have no cute little nursery to decorate, and we live in a funky little cabin with critters living in the walls and weird funky odors and like no space; I've never been more thankful to God. I've been able to serve Him in ways I never even imagined.

I love the Lord Jesus for His sacrifice and I hope that every day I grow more and more into His image. I pray that this child will know the Lord and that my husband and I would be examples of Christ likeness to her, we think it's a girl.

Thank you all for your prayers. I'm keeping you in mine.

LOVE this post!

I think this post is great and it's from a man's perspective.

http://sheepdogger.blogspot.com/2010/06/fathers-day-gods-great-grace-in-being.html


God bless!

Where to Begin......................

The past couple of weeks have brought, sadness, confusion, and finally joy.

A couple Saturdays ago I called my husband when I was finally on my way home from work, just to let him know I would be home in an hour. He then tells me that his cousin's wife died. I almost drove off the road in shock! She was only 28. I then asked if she had had her baby yet......I thought that she was still pregnant. Well she did have her baby 3 weeks ago. I didn't know cause' no one told me. Mmmmmmmmm.

SO oh my gosh this is awful! This poor baby and what about her husband? I know that he's not capable of taking care of a little one especially now! Thankfully he was on his way to my husbands parents home where the baby would get good care.

Thoughts of adoption were going through my mind at this point. However I thought that it was too early to be talking about adoption. I thought it would be best to give the baby's father a week or two to grieve and then discuss the possibility of us adopting. These were all thoughts in my mind, I didn't tell any one. I just wanted to play it by ear. My husband was going over there that evening to give support to the father along with other family members.

When he came home I was asleep but he woke me up and told me that we might have the possibility to adopt the baby. I was annoyed. "Its too soon for that can't we give the father time to grieve his wife died yesterday!" I thought that he had brought it up but to my surprise some other family members did. They felt the Lord was moving them to adopt the baby.........providing we didn't want the baby.

I'm thinking well of course I want the baby that's not the question. My thoughts are who would provide a better home for the baby.

Let's compare shall we.

They have a Mom who stays home, I would have to work p/t.

He would have brothers and sisters to love on him, we have a dog and a cat.

They are financially stable, we are just getting by on two incomes.

She's an experienced mom, at 31 I would have a lot to learn!

They would provide a beautiful christian home with a lot of love for him.

Our home would need lots of repairs, all though we could stay at my Mom's empty home. Any way.

So to me as much as I'm crushed and hurt its clear where the little guy should go.

I thought that we would be the only ones interested in adopting him, it never crossed my mind that any one else would want him, but God was moving in peoples hearts. So I'm just shocked and definitely going through some sadness. I thought this would be a great opportunity for us that God had orchestrated.

I never thought about any one else. However, God moves in a mysterious way and I trust Him. I'll get to see how He will work out His great and awesome plan with this little baby who I love and what joy He will bring to a family I love.

Through this tragedy I will get to see the hand of the Lord and learn so much about HIM!


Her are a couple stanzas from God Moves in a Mysterious Way.

God moves in a mysterious way
his wonders to perform.
He plants his footsteps in the sea
and rides upon the storm.

His purposes will ripen fast,
unfolding every hour.
The bud may have a bitter taste,
but sweet will be the flower

Praise the Lord!

Through the past few weeks God has shown me clearly that He is in control. He alone has determined the boundaries of peoples dwelling place, that they should seek God. Acts 17:26-27 He gives life and He takes it, some times very suddenly. His hand directs all of our lives, from the smallest baby to the king of a nation. He give me so much joy as I watch His sovereign hand move.

Still a Twosome

I was talking to one of the very lovely young ladies who is expecting and she would have been only a couple weeks ahead of me. She's so sweet and I was just asking her how she's doing, since we have a physical job. Any way, we were just chatting and she said, "I can't believe it's so close only 3 months away!" I just smiled and said, "I know time just flys on by."

I know at some point I will have to get over the would've, could have, and should have been. I'm not there yet.

I could just imagine my nightmare being only 3 months away from ending and getting to meet my baby.

We had been trying for what seemed like ages to conceive. Trying not to get too down trying not to get too excited wanting so badly just to have a baby. I finally had gotten to a place in my heart were I was happy to just have my husband for the rest of my life. I had come to excepted that we may be a twosome till the end.

I had gotten excited about a new diet and exercise thing to shed some extra weight. I though that maybe I should try and find a full time job since children were out of the picture for now maybe we could save for adoption faster. And then I finally got a pink plus sign on a pregnancy test just a couple days after my birthday. And then just like that every thing changed again no heart beat the baby's gone.

I just feel so alone in this sometimes. My husband is busy working and it doesn't effect him like it does me. He's a man he can do so many other things. Women are made to be wives and mothers. That's simply all that I want to be. I don't have aspirations to be any thing great or amazing. I just want to be what I was made to be. It's strange that things are so wrong yet so right.........right where God wants them.

Lord keep my spirit stayed and sure hoping in Christ alone and resting in your love.

This Month

This month I vow not to be slave to my cycle.

I shall only go to the calender to confirm dinner dates, family gatherings, birthdays, anniversary's, and doctors appointments.

Henceforth I will not be: calculating days in said cycle, calculating approximate ovulation days, deciding best time to BD to achieve success, 2ww whats that?

I shall not check TP for fertile mucus or any other fertility indications such as but not limited to: ovulation spotting, spotting, and implantation bleeding.

I shall only chuck up ovulation pain or any other fertility symptom to gas.

I shall not subject my spouse to BD during any perceived time of fertility. I will maintain a when ever whatever attitude when it comes to the BD.

I will not give any thought positivly nor negitivly to any thing to do with my cycle this month at all. It is what it is.

My fertility is in the hands of my Almighty Creator God and no amount of weight gain or loss, clomid or ovidril, IVF or surrogacy, caffeine or decaf will in the end have any barring on it.

Ventilation

It's been a while since my last post. I've just been busy with working and whatever! Life has been good. I've been encouraged in some things and discouraged in others, kind of a mixed bag.

First of all do people some times treat you like an idiot when you're an infertile? They do me.

Yes, I do know how to "make" a baby, and no we don't just need a vacation to try unless you would like to pay for it.

Thank you so much for informing me that babies grow in the womb and not the stomach who knew! Gee no I don't want your kids for the week just to see....joker you're so funny!

"Just wait on God's timing, it will happen."


The most difficult thing to deal with has been having to work with two women who are about as far along in their pregnancies as I would have been. They're due in April and I was due in the early part of May around mothers day.....how nice that would've been.

And when I say for the past month all the women at work ever talk about is baby crap I'm not kidding. My labor was this long, my baby weighed this much, it was the best decision I ever made, YADDA YADDA all day long. Oh and then some one always yells out, "It comes in threes watch it girls, he he!"

Also my sister in law is just cruising along with her pregnancy! Very excited about our newest niece or nephew. But of course with her baby's birth around the corner I'm reminded of my failures. Yes In Laws I'm the biggest loser that can't give my husband, your son any children!

Her baby showers are just around the corner and I am unable to make any of them because they are all on Saturday. I can't get a Saturday off from work, ever! Oh, I could call in sick but my sick days are all gone because of my time off from my miscarriage. So I'm sure I look like the biggest jerk even though I can't help it!

OK are you still there sorry about the venting n' stuff.

It's Blue Monday and my friend has just arrived and my hopes of ever having a baby right now are really dashed to pieces.

But who knows I could be pregnant next month...I'm just sick people! Please get my sence of humor here.

Even though I have so much to be thankful for today is just one of those days where I just need a extra hug ladies.

The verse I'm clinging to today is from Psalm 16:11

Thou wilt shew me the Path of life :
in thy presence is fulness
of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.