Little Bug

Prayers, prayers, and more prayers!

Many of you know and have read Elaine's blog God's Faithfulness through Infertility and are aware of Elaine and Dave's urgent need for our prayers. If you don't know about Elaine just a quick up date on them. They are adopting and their baby was born on May 27, 2009. The aren't sure if the birth mom will sign the papers to release the baby to them , who they call "Little Bug." My heart just goes out to them right now this has got to be so nerve racking, to put it lightly.

Two of Elaine's favorite verses


“For I know the plans I have you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Glory be to God who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we could ever dare to ask or even dream of. Ephesians 3:20

Dreaming

I’m letting go of a dream, of a dream of a dream. What was that dream any way? Oh yeah to get married and have babies. Beautiful babies with the cute little noses and half me and half him. I often feel like I’m in a nightmare and I want to know where my babies are, for real! My whole life has literally been on pause waiting for my children to arrive. As much as I try to move on, I’m still stuck! This is wretched! I’m wretched but declared righteous and being remade by the Lord Jesus. Thank you Jesus for taking my punishment upon your cross. Thank you for covering my defenseless head.


~Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to thee.


I’m sorry my dear readers all 2 of you, if I seem too spiritual and not grounded at all in the real world. I’ve been told that I’m too spiritual, but there’s a reason for that. I lack close family ties and deep earthly traditions, I'm infertile and I know that the earth is passing away and all works that are not for Jesus sake will be burned like stubble. My roots are not planted in this earth but on heavenly terrain. I long for the day when I will be free from the trappings of this mortal body, free from my fleshly mind of sin, free to worship Jesus as He is worthy to receive all praises and all honor and all glory!


Infertility has made me long more and more for the comforts of our Lord in heavenly places. What a joy it will be to see Him face to face, indescribable joy! All my sorrows and pain will be drown out by His inconceivable measures of love just poured out upon my head. I doubt I’ll even remember my infertility struggles, it will perhaps be a dream of a dream of a dream.

God's glory

WESTMINSTER SHORTER CATECHISM (1674)

In reference to the Lord's prayer.

Q. 101. What do we pray for in the first petition?

A. In the first petition, which is, Hallowed be thy name, we pray that God would enable us and others to glorify him in all that whereby he maketh himself known; and that he would dispose all things to his own glory.

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Its good to remember that the purpose for my life, for me being here on this planet in time and space is to glorify God. He gets ALL glory no exceptions. As Christians we pray and believe that the Lord would show Himself strong. We hate seeing Him and His Son regarded as nothing more that a fairytale. God's glory is another facet to this infertility trial that I struggle to understand.

I'm often grieved that many unbelievers, people I know, understand that I'm a believer in Christ. Yet they see that I've not been blessed with children. They also know that having children is an unfulfilled longing in my heart. I'm worried that they will equate this with God's ability's and say in their hearts, "See her God is unable to make her conceive." This is a great concern of mine.........I think it makes God look bad. Now I know that in the end that God will not be mocked by unbelief and He does whatever He wills, but sometimes I can't help but think about this.

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It's been difficult when the multitudes of ladies at work ask, "Any babies yet?" and I have to sheepishly reply, "No, not yet." Then they get a blank stare on their face and tell me that I can have theirs (HAHAHA). I hope and pray that God will show Him self strong for His glory sake. I know it might sound silly but I was thinking. Man wouldn't it be great if everyone knew that, even with fertility treatments I was unable to get pregnant. And then one day bam! I'm expecting :) I just think that that would be an amazing witness to God and His power. But I confess that's just me day dreaming a bit, I pray it happens.

I know that He is ABLE. Even if I never conceive I pray that the Lord will show Him self strong in my life and that MUCH glory will be brought to His name by my humble existence here on earth. I pray that by His grace I will live my life and finish well so that He will in turn get all the glory!

Inspiration for my Walk

The cross is not made of soft feathers(Charles Spurgeon)

"Take up the cross--and follow Me."

Mark 10:21

You have not the liberty of making of your own cross; although unbelief is a master carpenter at cross-making. Neither are you permitted to choose your own cross; although self-will would gladly be lord and master. Your cross is prepared and appointed for you by divine love--and you are cheerfully to accept it.

You are to take up the cross as your chosen portion, and not to stand caviling at it. Jesus bids you to submit your shoulder to His easy yoke. Do not . . . kick at it in petulance,or trample on it in vain-glory,or fall under it in despair,or run away from it in fear.

Take it up like a true follower of Jesus.

Jesus was a cross-bearer; He leads the way in the path of sorrow. Surely you could not desire a better guide! And if He carried a cross--what nobler burden would you desire?

The Way of the Cross is the way of safety--do not fear to tread its thorny paths.

Beloved, the cross is not made of soft feathers, or lined with velvet--it is heavy and galling to disobedient shoulders! But it is not an iron cross, though your fears have painted it with iron colors! It is a wooden cross, and a man can carry it, for the Man of sorrows carried the load. Take up your cross, and by the power of the Spirit--you will soon be so in love with it, that like Moses, you would not exchange the reproach of Christ for all the treasures of Egypt!
Remember that the cross will soon be followed by the crown. The thought of the coming weight of glory--will greatly lighten the present heaviness of trouble. May the Lord help you to bow your heart in submission to the divine will--that you may go forth to this day's cross with the holy and submissive spirit which befits a follower of the Crucified.

This was Great

God led me to this blog and post. I found it to be so God honoring. I hope that you will enjoy it.

Exultingchristian.blogspot

Mother's Day Blessings

Another Mother's Day came and went and still I have no offspring, sigh. Not even close. We have no infertility treatments planed for a number of reasons and adoption is on hold for a while for a number of different reasons. But God is at work in the world and in our hearts.

I hesitated whether or not I should go to church on Sunday, maybe you did too. Mothers day at church can be so hard, because Christians hold motherhood in such high esteem, as they should. Sometimes though its just to much for me to take and I can easily crumble upon hearing motherhood honored on a day when I want to forget about all my troubles and come and worship Jesus. However I really wanted to go and to worship the Lord. So I went and the Lord had mercy upon me and blessed me!

We arrived early because my husband was an usher that day. I shuffled off to the bathroom and when I was washing up the associate Pastors wife was there. She was kind enough to ask me how I was doing "today". Now she is maybe in her late 40's and has struggled with miscarriages and was never able to have a child with her husband. They did adopt a son and he is about 14 or so and doing really well.

She was sharing with me how even though this day doesn't hurt like it used to she still struggles with it because she was never able to have a child. So we talked for a good while about our infertility pains and I was so blessed by her wisdom and faith. It was so good for me to see how this trial really deepened her trust, love and knowledge of the Lord. She reminded me that even if I never have children that there is so much hope in Christ our Savior. I'm so thankful to have some one who understands and is willing to sacrifice her time to counsel me if I'm in need.

She also hit on how this trial can feel like punishment, but it's not and we need to submit our "feelings" and experiences to the word of God. That was such an encouragement because I often feel like I'm being punished or God is frowning upon me. Only because this trial feels so totally punishing in so many ways. But the Word of God tells me that He only chastens those whom He loves, that He is never displeased with me at all because I'm in Christ, that He works all of this for our good and His Glory, there is no condemnation in Christ. Honestly I could go on with a lot more.

I do pray that this trial would end soon but I have hope. The Lord has blessed me with Christians who have walked the road ahead of me and have more love for God now then they did before infertility broke their hearts and greatly humbled them. And they all count it as a blessing.

Out Bursts

Do you ever find your self convicted of anger against God? This past week I found my self angry towards Him. I'm ashamed to admit it but I sometimes find my self in these fits of rage toward God throwing a tantrum like a two year old. Sorry to make you cringe! You would never have guessed it from the out side. But if you peaked through my window you may have caught me throwing a book across the room or something like that. I think anger can come with the infertility package, not that its an excuse to be angry. God uses these trials to draw out all the impurities in our hearts. I find that infertility can be a very stressful and frustrating situation. I have more good days than bad days now but still over all its a frustrating experience. Being angry at God is an issue I have failed to deal with and it can come out in sinful out burst towards the Lord. My Lord who loves me so much He died and took my punishment for me.

Praise God He is not surprised by this. He knows whats lurking in the dark corners of my heart. He also knows that I desire to be ride of my sin that so easily entangles and to mortify it. He offers me the gift of repentance and a deeper trust in Him. He knows what He's doing. He's God, God Almighty.

I think one of the most frustrating things about infertility is the futility of it all. All the time spent and the money spent for what? I expect results! I assume that most people like results. They don't like something that doesn't work or doesn't show results. Like when you put 50 cents into the pop machine it better produce a nice cold can of pop. Otherwise you must kick it and (despite the signs warning you other wise) ram your body up against it until you obtain the prize. Since its me that doesn't work and I figure that God is in charge of me, which He is. I find my self foolishly kicking at Him. Now that's an exercise in futility!

More and more, by His grace, I find my self counseling my soul in the following way.

Listen my soul, He is God and there is no other. He is the potter and I am the clay, He will do that which pleases Him and brings Him the most glory.

Then I turn my thinking toward the Gospel of Jesus Christ and all that He has blessed me and His people with in that. How He covers my defenseless head from the furious wrath to come. How I will never taste anything but God's grace and love, not a drop of His wrath! I think about all the promises as a believer that through Christ I'm able to claim, the riches of my inheritance in Christ. When I start to think like this it just changes my whole spirit. I go from an ungrateful brat to a true worshiper of Christ.

I look forward to being some ones Mommy some day and seeing my husband get to be a Daddy. But I'm still waiting, until then I want to be joyful in the waiting and to exalt the name of Christ. Of course at the end of my life I want to hear well done my good and faithful servant.

Back to work

Let the games begin! I'm heading back to my former place of employment after a two year reprieve. While I'm so grateful for the income that this job provides many things about heading back are difficult. First I feel like a failure, "sigh." One reason why I left was because we thought that this job was perhaps too difficult on my delicate feminine frame (ha ha) and perhaps hindering my fertility. While I was working there many of the ladies would very often be asking me about my efforts to conceive or they would be curious to find out why I didn't have any children. Many of them knew that a reason why I left was to "try" to have a baby. So I'm sure my return will be met with plenty of questions regarding the baby making issue. I'm just praying for God's strength not to break down, to remain strong, and to answer any questions with wisdom and love.

Second this is the end of the road for "TTC." I think for my own sanity I'm putting away trying to conceive for a while, probably six months to a year....which is hard to do because I'm not getting any younger. Right now I don't even want to think about my cycle and the best time to ttc. I need a breather. These past three years have been life altering and have caused every thing to change. I will spend the next year or so focusing on other things that God has put in my path and putting my life back together by God's grace. I really need to heal and recover from the effects of infertility and so does our marriage. We need time to recoup and regroup by God's grace and discover together what amazing plans God has for us.

I think we want to do more date nights and little trips to reconnect with each other. What do you all do to keep your marriages strong and alive during infertility? Let me know :)

The "plan" for now is for us to fix our house up and quickly as possible so that we will be able to put it on the market asap. My husband would really like us to move out of state some where more affordable. You can pray for us because we haven't quite figured out when exactly to start the adoption process, now or when we are all moved and settled in? Life is crazy!!! God Is very good!!!

I just wanted to mention my sweet friend and sister in the Lord. I want honor her for her friendship and love and compassion on her infertile friend. She is expecting and "broke" the news to me very kindly and with such love. I'm very excited for her :) and I'm in awe! I feel badly that I can't be a normal friend and be told such things in a normal way. SO thanks dear friend for your compassion and your gentle care of a weaker sister. She said perhaps the sweetest thing any one has ever said to me. When I was leaving her house she said that she was hoping that we could be pregnant together. I know that she meant in and probably prayed for that to happen. Lord bless you sister, I'm praying for you. And please pray for her too. Many people are mocking her for having the faith to have children in this economy. I hate how many consider children a curse and a bother instead of blessings from heaven above.