Happy New Year!

Looking back on 2008 has been interesting. It was a strange year, many unexpected thing occurred, there were many trials, and much growth in the Lord (my inner man is being renewed day by day). My life in 2008 on paper seems to have been very quiet, but it was far from that. The battles that infertility bring were every where this year, tempting me to not trust God and really challenging my faith. In the end this year I can see that by God's grace my faith in God is stronger that ever and I trust Him more and I KNOW that I am completely reliant upon Him for every little thing. "A person can not receive even one thing unless it is given Him from heaven." John 3:27

This year I look forward to growing more in the Lord and being conformed into His image no matter the cost. I hope to cultivate the character of Christ in my life especially sacrificial love and meekness. I'm just really excited about what the Lord has in store. I hope the Lord will bless us with children, its in His hands we will see. It would be so nice to finally put infertility behind me in 2009! Victory at last, but like I said it is in God's hand, and I'm grateful for that!

So let me know if you have any hopes for the new year or any new year's resolutions. Be blessed and may His peace be with you!

Christmas Morn

Here I am on this white Christmas morning and the sun is shining, but most importantly the sunrise from on high has visited us, Emmanuel. God with us! I've just been thinking these past few days about the first Christmas. And prior to that Mary, a humble girl who was a virgin, having the Most High God in the flesh conceived with in her womb. I've just been wondering what it was like having the Savior of the world being knit together in the secret places of her womb? Jesus, the light of the world hidden in Mary while the sleepy dark world awaited it's Savior.

And also the story of Elizabeth, I love how the scripture tells us that "she kept herself hidden, saying, " 'Thus the Lord has done for me in the days when He looked on me, to take away my reproach among people.' " I can just imagine that she was so over whelmed by the Lord's goodness toward her and her husband and was just in awe of what God can do, just amazing. I'm so filled with joy when I read Luke 1-2 my heart just rises up with praise to our King! His kindness, love, mercy, justice, and greatness just jump off the pages.

The humility of the Creator God coming to be born in flesh from the most lowly girl from the most lowly town, in a most lowly way born in an animal shelter. What an example of loving obedience and humility. After all He is God and heaven and earth cannot contain Him, He needs the seven heavens! All this to confound the wise. I'm so thankful that God has a heart for the most unimportant simple people and can use them in amazing ways by His grace alone and not by any of their special talents.

I'm further amazed at how God uses the heart of the earthly king to decree a census so that the prophecy would be fulfilled from Micah 5:2 "But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah, who are too little to be among the clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel, whose orgin is from of old, from ancient days." God is completely sovereign and I find that such a comfort. There is only one God the only God who works out every thing for His purposes and Glory. Sometimes I'm tempted to think that there are two Gods, the good God and the evil one, Satan. But again there is only one God, Satan must get God's permission to have any power at all.

So back to the first Christmas. I can just imagine Mary getting to see the Son of the Most High after all this time and holding the sweetest babe that has ever come to earth. I can picture her just gazing at Him at His perfect little face. She was perhaps amazed this thing spoken to her has finally happened. I can imagine Joseph studying this completely flawless child, the most beautiful baby ever, beautiful because He is God. Of course this is what I imagine to have happened. And Jesus' mother treasured in her heart what the shepherds spoke and she saw the wise man fall on there faces to worship this baby and give Him costly gifts.

God was doing an amazing work back then to provide a way for sinners to be justified and made clean. God is still doing great things today, even now! Have a very Merry Christmas.

The Good Old College Try

I have been praying about and thinking much about what steps to take next, regarding fertility treatments and/or adoption. We've decided to try fertility treatment one last time before we start out home study for adoption. I made an appointment with a new doctor, who's closer to us any way, to get a new perspective on what exactly is going on. So we'll see what he says in a few weeks. I think at the most we would try is 3 cycles before moving on to adopt, last time we did 2 cycles of IUI and Clomid.

Those two cycles were so stressful, the way my cycle came it was always on the weekend or on a holiday and I couldn't get a hold of people in the office to fill my prescriptions or come in for my ultrasounds. The nurse on call wouldn't call me back or call in my script. And the traveling really burnt us out. So I'm prepared by the grace of God for the stressful moments of this endeavor. However I'm hopeful that this time it won't be as stressful and that maybe I will actually get pregnant and have the baby nine months later. So we're going to give it the good old college try.

I was getting really excited about adoption though. I found an agency that seems great and they are out of Cary, IL that's close by. Their web site was helpful and informative and the staff seems caring and concerned for both birth mothers and adoptive couples. They have a special program for those couples looking to adopt African American babies, I would love that. So we will see what happens. The link is http://www.angeladoptioninc.com/index.html if any one was interested in checking things out. God is good!

From Grace Gems By A.W. Pink

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I asked the Lord that I might grow(Arthur Pink, "Experimental Preaching" 1937)

"Make Your ways known to me, Lord; teach me Your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me." Psalm 25:4-5

There are two ways of learning of Divine things. The one is to acquire a letter knowledge of them from the Bible, the other is to be given an actual experience of them in the soul, under the Spirit's teaching. Many suppose that by spending a few minutes in a concordance, they can discover what humility is; that by studying certain passages of Scriptures, they may obtain an increase of faith; or that by reading and re-reading a certain chapter, they may secure more love. But that is not the way those graces are experimentally developed.

Humility is learned by a daily smarting under the plague of the heart, and having its innumerable abominations exposed to our view. Repentance is learned by feeling the load of guilt, and the heavy burden of conscious defilement, bowing down the soul. Faith is learned by increasing discoveries of unbelief and infidelity. Love is learned by a personal sense of the undeserved goodness of God to the vilest of the vile. Patience cannot be learned from books--it is acquired in the furnace of affliction! It is thus with all the spiritual graces of the Christian.

Ah, my reader, we beg the Lord to teach us--but the fact is, that we do not like His method of teaching us! Fiery trials, storms of afflictions, the dashing of our carnal hopes--are indeed painful to flesh and blood; yet it is by them that the heart is purified.We say that we wish to live to God's glory--but fail to remember that we can do so only as SELF is denied and the Cross be taken up. God's ways of teaching His children are, like all His ways, entirely different from ours!

I asked the Lord that I might grow, In faith and love and every grace, Might more of His salvation know, And seek more earnestly His face. It was He who taught me thus to pray, And He I trust has answered prayer.

But it has been in such a way,As almost drove me to despair! I hoped that in some favored hour, At once He'd answer my request. And by His love's constraining power, Subdue my sins and give me rest! Instead of this, He made me feel, The hidden evils of my heart. And let the angry powers of hell, Assault my soul in every part! Yes, more with His own hand, He seemed, Intent to aggravate my woe.

Crossed all the fair designs I schemed, Blasted my gourds, and laid me low!"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Will You pursue Your worm to death?""This is the way" the Lord replied, "I answer prayer for grace and strength."

"These inward trials I employ, From self, and pride, to set you free; And break your schemes of earthly joy, That you may find your all in Me!" --John Newton

Motives

It's kinda late and I'm unable to fall a sleep due to the loud noises of the snow plows and one to many coca colas too late in the day. So since I can't fall asleep why not blog???

I was thinking to my self today about my infertility and wondered to my self why do I want children? Why is it so awful that, for at lest right now, I can't have them. Why do I cry myself to sleep or am unable to even look at babies with out feeling, "Oh I must have one or I'll die!" Why do I want children? What is my motive behind all of this?

Before I was made a believer in Christ by His grace, my "pagan days" as I call them, I wanted children for purely selfish motives and quite idolatrous. I wanted to be married at 22 have my first baby at 23/24 then 26, and then the third at 28.........then if we felt up to it we could have a few more. I wanted children because they added something to my life. Because I would feel fulfilled by them. I wanted children because they would give me a purpose for living, also they would help me and my husband grow closer together. And of course there are many other reasons like babies are sooooo cute and fabulous but these are at lest the main ones. Coming to Christ and facing infertility is changing and challenged how I look at every aspect of marriage, children, and my self worth.

Now since Christ in His mercy has stripped my "right" to have children I have felt as though I was left naked and exposed for all to see. It can be humiliating. He stripped me down so He could have a clean slate to work with. By His grace I'm learning my true Identity in Christ. He is teaching me that all my joy, fulfillment, and self worth comes from Him alone. Before this trial I could have had some vague understanding of contentment, and reliance upon Christ to supply all my needs. Prior to this test of my faith I could have had only a light understanding of His grace. The good thing about this trial is I know my Savior more intimately, and I am able to wright tried and proved in the margin of my bible.

Though I'm truly grateful for this trial, I am ready for it to end and hold a precious blessing in my arms. I would love to be pregnant at last and enjoy that experience with my husband at my side. That would be a gift from heaven above.

So back to the question of why do I want a child. I would love to rear a generation for His glory. It would be so joyful to raise up a Godly seed for the Lord, by His grace of course, it would be such and honor and a blessing. But until then I will be content and serve my King. I will run with endurance the race set before me.

On the Surface

This infertility thing is so hard! The past couple of days my emotions have been right under the surface and all it takes is one little word heard on the radio, or one article read in the paper that reminds me my "dreaded" circumstance, and I'll just start weeping. I'm also trying so hard to focus on Christ and remind my self of His love for me, but in those moment were I am just over come Christ is there for me and He reminds me of His love. Today I wasn't even sure if I could make it into work but by Gods grace He held me together by His strong right hand and lifted me up out of the dust. My period has a 99.999999% chance of starting in a couple days so the hormones from all that probably aren't helping any. Also if I wanted to have a full term baby by my 31st birthday that is know officially impossible, it's just hard to come to terms with this stuff some days. I trust God, infertility is still not easy.

I have so much hope in the Lord and in His promises and inheritance. I know that He can grant me power to conceive or guide us in adoption. Which in regards to adoption, it can be annoying when people say "you should just adopt." With love and Patience I must say that adoption isn't necessarily and easy road. It can be another trial all unto itself. It can take years and many disappointments before a child is brought into your home. Or in some cases it's quick and easy and a pain free experience, what ever God has for me I will gladly take because its for my own good and His glory. I'm fairly certain that adoption will be something that God will have us do. I'm embarrassed to say this but some times I'm OK with it and then other days the thought of adoption as the only way to build our family makes me want to faint. I literally want to pass out when I start to think of my husband being in the delivery room where another woman is having our baby. Lord I'm his wife, I want to have the baby. I could not have seen that 3 yrs ago when we started TTC that I would not have any children yet. This is hard.

Any way gotta go my hubby just got home. He's worked so much and I have worked pms so I haven't seen him at all week. I'm very excited for our weekend together. Pray for us Saturday we are going to the Woodfield shopping mall to evangelize the crowds!

I'm praying for you all, I know many of you are going through very difficult times too.

"for in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life, and God will wipe every tear from their eyes." Rev 7:17

His Gift to Us

As this Christmas season gets into full swing celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ our savior, I want my heart to be very aware and tender to the reality of God's love. It's so easy for me to dwell on what I don't have, especially this time of year when that yearning for children is sharpened. I desire to focus on God's gift to men. The awesome gift of Christ's birth, God in the flesh. And to be filled to over flowing with joy for my Savior's birth and to remember also His sacrifice for my sins. How joyful it is that I am forgiven in Christ!

"The people who walked in darkness
have seen a great light;
those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,
on them has light shined..................

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
the government shall be upon
his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:1-6