Happy New Year!

Looking back on 2008 has been interesting. It was a strange year, many unexpected thing occurred, there were many trials, and much growth in the Lord (my inner man is being renewed day by day). My life in 2008 on paper seems to have been very quiet, but it was far from that. The battles that infertility bring were every where this year, tempting me to not trust God and really challenging my faith. In the end this year I can see that by God's grace my faith in God is stronger that ever and I trust Him more and I KNOW that I am completely reliant upon Him for every little thing. "A person can not receive even one thing unless it is given Him from heaven." John 3:27

This year I look forward to growing more in the Lord and being conformed into His image no matter the cost. I hope to cultivate the character of Christ in my life especially sacrificial love and meekness. I'm just really excited about what the Lord has in store. I hope the Lord will bless us with children, its in His hands we will see. It would be so nice to finally put infertility behind me in 2009! Victory at last, but like I said it is in God's hand, and I'm grateful for that!

So let me know if you have any hopes for the new year or any new year's resolutions. Be blessed and may His peace be with you!

Christmas Morn

Here I am on this white Christmas morning and the sun is shining, but most importantly the sunrise from on high has visited us, Emmanuel. God with us! I've just been thinking these past few days about the first Christmas. And prior to that Mary, a humble girl who was a virgin, having the Most High God in the flesh conceived with in her womb. I've just been wondering what it was like having the Savior of the world being knit together in the secret places of her womb? Jesus, the light of the world hidden in Mary while the sleepy dark world awaited it's Savior.

And also the story of Elizabeth, I love how the scripture tells us that "she kept herself hidden, saying, " 'Thus the Lord has done for me in the days when He looked on me, to take away my reproach among people.' " I can just imagine that she was so over whelmed by the Lord's goodness toward her and her husband and was just in awe of what God can do, just amazing. I'm so filled with joy when I read Luke 1-2 my heart just rises up with praise to our King! His kindness, love, mercy, justice, and greatness just jump off the pages.

The humility of the Creator God coming to be born in flesh from the most lowly girl from the most lowly town, in a most lowly way born in an animal shelter. What an example of loving obedience and humility. After all He is God and heaven and earth cannot contain Him, He needs the seven heavens! All this to confound the wise. I'm so thankful that God has a heart for the most unimportant simple people and can use them in amazing ways by His grace alone and not by any of their special talents.

I'm further amazed at how God uses the heart of the earthly king to decree a census so that the prophecy would be fulfilled from Micah 5:2 "But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah, who are too little to be among the clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel, whose orgin is from of old, from ancient days." God is completely sovereign and I find that such a comfort. There is only one God the only God who works out every thing for His purposes and Glory. Sometimes I'm tempted to think that there are two Gods, the good God and the evil one, Satan. But again there is only one God, Satan must get God's permission to have any power at all.

So back to the first Christmas. I can just imagine Mary getting to see the Son of the Most High after all this time and holding the sweetest babe that has ever come to earth. I can picture her just gazing at Him at His perfect little face. She was perhaps amazed this thing spoken to her has finally happened. I can imagine Joseph studying this completely flawless child, the most beautiful baby ever, beautiful because He is God. Of course this is what I imagine to have happened. And Jesus' mother treasured in her heart what the shepherds spoke and she saw the wise man fall on there faces to worship this baby and give Him costly gifts.

God was doing an amazing work back then to provide a way for sinners to be justified and made clean. God is still doing great things today, even now! Have a very Merry Christmas.

The Good Old College Try

I have been praying about and thinking much about what steps to take next, regarding fertility treatments and/or adoption. We've decided to try fertility treatment one last time before we start out home study for adoption. I made an appointment with a new doctor, who's closer to us any way, to get a new perspective on what exactly is going on. So we'll see what he says in a few weeks. I think at the most we would try is 3 cycles before moving on to adopt, last time we did 2 cycles of IUI and Clomid.

Those two cycles were so stressful, the way my cycle came it was always on the weekend or on a holiday and I couldn't get a hold of people in the office to fill my prescriptions or come in for my ultrasounds. The nurse on call wouldn't call me back or call in my script. And the traveling really burnt us out. So I'm prepared by the grace of God for the stressful moments of this endeavor. However I'm hopeful that this time it won't be as stressful and that maybe I will actually get pregnant and have the baby nine months later. So we're going to give it the good old college try.

I was getting really excited about adoption though. I found an agency that seems great and they are out of Cary, IL that's close by. Their web site was helpful and informative and the staff seems caring and concerned for both birth mothers and adoptive couples. They have a special program for those couples looking to adopt African American babies, I would love that. So we will see what happens. The link is http://www.angeladoptioninc.com/index.html if any one was interested in checking things out. God is good!

From Grace Gems By A.W. Pink

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I asked the Lord that I might grow(Arthur Pink, "Experimental Preaching" 1937)

"Make Your ways known to me, Lord; teach me Your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me." Psalm 25:4-5

There are two ways of learning of Divine things. The one is to acquire a letter knowledge of them from the Bible, the other is to be given an actual experience of them in the soul, under the Spirit's teaching. Many suppose that by spending a few minutes in a concordance, they can discover what humility is; that by studying certain passages of Scriptures, they may obtain an increase of faith; or that by reading and re-reading a certain chapter, they may secure more love. But that is not the way those graces are experimentally developed.

Humility is learned by a daily smarting under the plague of the heart, and having its innumerable abominations exposed to our view. Repentance is learned by feeling the load of guilt, and the heavy burden of conscious defilement, bowing down the soul. Faith is learned by increasing discoveries of unbelief and infidelity. Love is learned by a personal sense of the undeserved goodness of God to the vilest of the vile. Patience cannot be learned from books--it is acquired in the furnace of affliction! It is thus with all the spiritual graces of the Christian.

Ah, my reader, we beg the Lord to teach us--but the fact is, that we do not like His method of teaching us! Fiery trials, storms of afflictions, the dashing of our carnal hopes--are indeed painful to flesh and blood; yet it is by them that the heart is purified.We say that we wish to live to God's glory--but fail to remember that we can do so only as SELF is denied and the Cross be taken up. God's ways of teaching His children are, like all His ways, entirely different from ours!

I asked the Lord that I might grow, In faith and love and every grace, Might more of His salvation know, And seek more earnestly His face. It was He who taught me thus to pray, And He I trust has answered prayer.

But it has been in such a way,As almost drove me to despair! I hoped that in some favored hour, At once He'd answer my request. And by His love's constraining power, Subdue my sins and give me rest! Instead of this, He made me feel, The hidden evils of my heart. And let the angry powers of hell, Assault my soul in every part! Yes, more with His own hand, He seemed, Intent to aggravate my woe.

Crossed all the fair designs I schemed, Blasted my gourds, and laid me low!"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Will You pursue Your worm to death?""This is the way" the Lord replied, "I answer prayer for grace and strength."

"These inward trials I employ, From self, and pride, to set you free; And break your schemes of earthly joy, That you may find your all in Me!" --John Newton

Motives

It's kinda late and I'm unable to fall a sleep due to the loud noises of the snow plows and one to many coca colas too late in the day. So since I can't fall asleep why not blog???

I was thinking to my self today about my infertility and wondered to my self why do I want children? Why is it so awful that, for at lest right now, I can't have them. Why do I cry myself to sleep or am unable to even look at babies with out feeling, "Oh I must have one or I'll die!" Why do I want children? What is my motive behind all of this?

Before I was made a believer in Christ by His grace, my "pagan days" as I call them, I wanted children for purely selfish motives and quite idolatrous. I wanted to be married at 22 have my first baby at 23/24 then 26, and then the third at 28.........then if we felt up to it we could have a few more. I wanted children because they added something to my life. Because I would feel fulfilled by them. I wanted children because they would give me a purpose for living, also they would help me and my husband grow closer together. And of course there are many other reasons like babies are sooooo cute and fabulous but these are at lest the main ones. Coming to Christ and facing infertility is changing and challenged how I look at every aspect of marriage, children, and my self worth.

Now since Christ in His mercy has stripped my "right" to have children I have felt as though I was left naked and exposed for all to see. It can be humiliating. He stripped me down so He could have a clean slate to work with. By His grace I'm learning my true Identity in Christ. He is teaching me that all my joy, fulfillment, and self worth comes from Him alone. Before this trial I could have had some vague understanding of contentment, and reliance upon Christ to supply all my needs. Prior to this test of my faith I could have had only a light understanding of His grace. The good thing about this trial is I know my Savior more intimately, and I am able to wright tried and proved in the margin of my bible.

Though I'm truly grateful for this trial, I am ready for it to end and hold a precious blessing in my arms. I would love to be pregnant at last and enjoy that experience with my husband at my side. That would be a gift from heaven above.

So back to the question of why do I want a child. I would love to rear a generation for His glory. It would be so joyful to raise up a Godly seed for the Lord, by His grace of course, it would be such and honor and a blessing. But until then I will be content and serve my King. I will run with endurance the race set before me.

On the Surface

This infertility thing is so hard! The past couple of days my emotions have been right under the surface and all it takes is one little word heard on the radio, or one article read in the paper that reminds me my "dreaded" circumstance, and I'll just start weeping. I'm also trying so hard to focus on Christ and remind my self of His love for me, but in those moment were I am just over come Christ is there for me and He reminds me of His love. Today I wasn't even sure if I could make it into work but by Gods grace He held me together by His strong right hand and lifted me up out of the dust. My period has a 99.999999% chance of starting in a couple days so the hormones from all that probably aren't helping any. Also if I wanted to have a full term baby by my 31st birthday that is know officially impossible, it's just hard to come to terms with this stuff some days. I trust God, infertility is still not easy.

I have so much hope in the Lord and in His promises and inheritance. I know that He can grant me power to conceive or guide us in adoption. Which in regards to adoption, it can be annoying when people say "you should just adopt." With love and Patience I must say that adoption isn't necessarily and easy road. It can be another trial all unto itself. It can take years and many disappointments before a child is brought into your home. Or in some cases it's quick and easy and a pain free experience, what ever God has for me I will gladly take because its for my own good and His glory. I'm fairly certain that adoption will be something that God will have us do. I'm embarrassed to say this but some times I'm OK with it and then other days the thought of adoption as the only way to build our family makes me want to faint. I literally want to pass out when I start to think of my husband being in the delivery room where another woman is having our baby. Lord I'm his wife, I want to have the baby. I could not have seen that 3 yrs ago when we started TTC that I would not have any children yet. This is hard.

Any way gotta go my hubby just got home. He's worked so much and I have worked pms so I haven't seen him at all week. I'm very excited for our weekend together. Pray for us Saturday we are going to the Woodfield shopping mall to evangelize the crowds!

I'm praying for you all, I know many of you are going through very difficult times too.

"for in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life, and God will wipe every tear from their eyes." Rev 7:17

His Gift to Us

As this Christmas season gets into full swing celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ our savior, I want my heart to be very aware and tender to the reality of God's love. It's so easy for me to dwell on what I don't have, especially this time of year when that yearning for children is sharpened. I desire to focus on God's gift to men. The awesome gift of Christ's birth, God in the flesh. And to be filled to over flowing with joy for my Savior's birth and to remember also His sacrifice for my sins. How joyful it is that I am forgiven in Christ!

"The people who walked in darkness
have seen a great light;
those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,
on them has light shined..................

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
the government shall be upon
his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:1-6

Sinking In

My husband and I went to watch the Bears game last Sunday at his parents house, and yes the Bears did win! When Rick left me alone with his father, his father asked me how the adoption thing was going. It's no secret by now that we are considering adopting a child. It's not like one day we woke up and were like, "Ok, its been three years time to adopt." The idea of adoption was sort of conceived and over the months has grown into, "Ok, maybe we should take a serious look into this." Now this is a very sweet question coming from a man of very few words, and I felt touched that he would think to ask. But as I responded to his question I just got this lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and a knot in the pit of my stomach. It just sank in that this is real. I can't get pregnant, I can't have biological children. I am a failure to every one, his parents, my parents, my husband, my whole family. I felt as though I was in a dream world for a minute or two. The room just spun as the weight of that sunk down into my heart and mind. I long to have my husbands children. It is a painful reality right now that, though I have prayed and CRIED to God for a child from my womb, He for now has said "No my daughter, no. I love you and will carry you through this."

"Yes, Lord. I will gladly pick up my cross and carry it in the strength that you provide."

Now, I know that really I'm not a failure but its a battle in my mind, and I must fight it with the truth of God's word. I just so desperately need the love of Christ. When I come to His feet I just lay down my feelings of failure and my all my sins. He washes me clean of my iniquities and sins. He takes my burdens from me and lifts me up on wings like eagles. When I'm around fallible man , sinners just like me, I can feel so fiercely judged for my failures, what I say and do, the way I dress, and my inability to conceive. But with Christ I am not condemned, He welcomes me and draws me to Himself gladly. I am comforted by His love and I'm refreshed by His care.

I'm praying for Christ's joy and deep deep love to abide in my heart. To be completely honest with you I'm still struggling some issues associated with adoption, even though I want to. There are still a few kinks that need to be worked out but I know that God will guide us and love us through this. I'm still hopeful that one day I might conceive, but right now that would sort of be like a bonus as we seriously pursue building our family though adoption. I'm so thankful that God has miraculously provided income for us, a good part-time gig for me and a generous donation from my husbands parents. God is so good and a help in time of need.

Quick Observations

I've observed, by reading women's blogs and through conversations how totally unique each person going through infertility is and how totally unique our experiences are. Not completely different but very unique and special.

As I read your blogs I am struck by the hope each one of you has. There's the hope to become mothers some day soon. Also there is a hope and quiet trust in the Lord even when trudging through some very dark and lonely valleys, there is always this shining light that makes all the darkness disappear when I read on. It's so neat!

I can see the hand of God gracing your lives through your writings and it's such a praise to Him. We all have different reasons as to why we are unable to have children and God knows what those reasons are. He is working uniquely in all our live for His glory.

Praying for you all :)

Prayer Requests

I'm just letting a few prayer requests be made known. I've had some things that God has placed on my heart that need prayer.

1. Should I start seeing a RE again? And if I do how should we proceed with treatment.

2. Should we start looking into adoption and start a home study. Where should we adopt from domestic or international.

3. My struggle with adoption is that it's hard for me to understand, in a way, that this woman wouldn't actually want her child. I have scenarios in my head where I have put my self in the birth moms place. I just wonder if shes being pressured in some way to give up her baby but she really wants him/her. Will she want her baby back years down the road and won't be able to get him/her back, what would that do to her. I just need to know if we adopt that this will be our child and not some other woman's baby. I don't want to steal some ones baby!!! I know I have issues :)

4. Lots of women around me are pregnant. I need the strength from Jesus to joyfully endure and be a blessing to them.

Thank you for your prayers, God bless!

Rejoice

It's just past 2am and I've been rudely awakened my very persistent aunt flow, shes such a pain! How am I doing? Besides being uncomfortable and unable to get any sleep, I'm doing ok. My heart is mixed with joy, hope, when, how, why, sorrow, longings, grief, love, frustration, and rejoicing in the Lord.

Early on in this IF struggle, a very well meaning sister in the Lord told me, "You're going to have to rejoice when your period comes." She said this in a most cold, unloving, bossy way, and my reply was something brilliant like, uh huh. Mostly I just marveled at what was just said. I was a new Christian, not totally grounded yet and was just confused by my IF. I really could have used some biblical counsel here. It seemed like she was telling me to put on my fake church going smile on over my pain and sorrow and pretend like every things "ok" and to do other wise was a sin.

I've defiantly struggled and wrestled with those words for a couple years. I am reminded of them when my aunt comes to town. Again she meant well, so I think I finally figured out what she really meant, I think. I hope.

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near." Phil 4:4-5

Despite my circumstances (barrenness) I'm to rejoice in Jesus my Lord. Knowing full well that He loves me and proved this by dying for sinful me on the cross. He cares tenderly for His little lambs. His gospel is indeed good news to the poor! I rejoice, God is sovereign and for His glory He has decided to close my womb. I'm barren and for God's glory. My thinking says wouldn't my life full of children bring more glory to him than my lowly humble estate in barrenness. His ways are higher that mine. I rejoice in that too!

I rejoice that the Lord is near indeed. He comforts, holds, leads and guides me. He gives me rest and drink in this weary dry land. I rejoice because when I suffer I am being shaped in formed into a beautiful jem, with out spot, blemish, or wrinkle in His royal diadem. He is teaching me to be gentle in spirit full of love for people made in His image. I am lovingly being made, shaped, formed, broken and crushed in to His image. Its painful often however I wouldn't trade the work He's done in my heart, mind, spirit, soul for anything.
**************I Rejoice in My Lord and God!

Oh, one more thing I got this off the westminster shorter chatechisim of 1647......before your eyes start to glaze over, read it its good!

Westminister Shorter Chatechisem of 1647

What are the decrees of God?

Answer :The decrees of God are, His eternal purpose, according to the counsel of His will, whereby, for His own glory, He hath ordained whatsoever comes to pass.

When Trials Come - Keith and Kristyn Getty

Jeremiah

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I came across these verses in the book of Jeremiah and was really struck in my heart by them. I find that these verses are bursting with wisdom and give MUCH comfort for the fiery trials in this life. It reassures me that I will probably never fully understand the why of this trial, and in God's wisdom I don't need to. However I can rely on the life giving flow of His spirit to sustain me during the drought and He will cause me to bear fruit continually.

The previous verse warned never to trust in man only in the LORD. I can write that down in my journal as tried and proved. When ever I have naively trusted in mans wisdom my life has become a parched wilderness. I am restored when I repent of my sin and trust again for my Lord and His word to refresh me and guide me. I am so prone to wander.

The Good Shepherd gives His lambs a life giving water, we need to trust in Him alone.


Jeremiah 17:7-8

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,

whose trust is the LORD.

He is like a tree planted by water,

that sends out its roots by the stream,

and does not fear when heat comes,

for its leaves remain green,

and is not anxious in the year drought,

for it does not cease to bear fruit."

Infertility Meltdown

Ok, God is good and Sovereign and not taken by surprise as I often am. I was surprised yesterday by a couple of thing first that our church was doing baby dedications yesterday. And second my reaction to them. I was actually looking forward to the baby dedications it had been in the church bulletin for a few weeks and in the past few years I have never had a "problem" with them.

As soon as I got to church, I became melancholy and really didn't want to talk to any one tyring to just pray and confess sin. I was sitting in my seat alone my husband was serving as an usher and wasn't next to me for this event. And as I was sitting there, congregation watching, I noticed right in front of me two family's who's children have red hair. My husband has red hair (he shaves his head now you can't tell that he's a red head) and when we first were dating I thought how neat would it be to have little red heads. So I had those thoughts pop into my mind and a sense of sadness crept into my heart knowing that those little red heads I wanted might very well never be mine. So finally after announcements it was time for baby dedications.

There were four family's up there including my pastors wife and their amazingly cute baby boy Brandon. I don't remember every thing that happened all I know is that when the family's got up there I started quietly shedding tears. An then our pastor quoted with much joy in his heart and voice Psalm 127 :3-5.

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

The word is sharper that a double edged sword and it just had no mercy on my heart it just cut me to ribbons. At this point I was barely holding it together, I was now sobbing quietly. They then got to the part where the congregation stands and says basically that they will now hold the parents accountable for raising His children in the Lord. I was a total mess at this point but trying to hang in there just praying to God to please help me hold it together. Then baby dedications ended and after such a joyful event its now time to greet one another with hand shakes and smiles. Looking, down with tears all over and snot too I'm sure, shook the hand of the man next to me so as not to be rude and ran off to the bathroom tripping over a wheel chair and coat in the way.......real nice. I just had to get out of there I didn't want to start a scene with my sobs and I just didn't want people to see me cry.

I want to be honest with people and tell them the truth but at the same time I want to avoid as much drama as possible. So I went to the bathroom for what I thought would be a few moments just to get a hold of my self. That didn't happen, I completely broke down at that point. It became pretty obvious that I would not be returning to my seat to hear the sermon, bummer.

My dear sweet sister in the Lord Suzie came into the bathroom and saw my feet in the stall and thought I was her daughter. "No, Suzie. Its Alicia."

She is supper cool and sweet and really ministered to me. It amazes me how God sent her to me in that moment. I just love her and she has been such a help. She gave me her bible (mine was still at my seat) then went on her way to teach Sunday school. I went and found a private room tried to read b/w sobs. I waited for my husband to come find me and to take me home. Rick did find me and was so sweet to me. I thought he might be annoyed by my emotional breakdown. I asked him to go back to my seat to get my belongings. I was hoping he would do so quietly and with out disruption during the sermon, this is almost impossible. Then he brought me my belongings minus my purse. SO I sent him back in knowing at this time it probably would defiantly draw attention and be a disruption. On our way to the car a bunch of other people saw me crying, I just wanted to disappear!

I just want Jesus. All of Him. I just want to know that He loves me and my husband. I want to serve Him and Love Him with my whole entire heart and being. I'm having an impossible time doing that because I'm something of an emotional basket case lately. At the end of it all I want to hear well done good and faithful servant................and of course Jesus gets all the glory and crowns for any good service or good deed that I do.

God is good

Well this morning we awoke to the gut wrenching reality of an Obama presidency, and the world rejoices....yeah. I'm very thankful that God is so completely sovereign over all the universe and mortal man. I can rejoice because God works His will even through wicked rulers and glory will be given to His Holy Name. My husband even prayed that Obama will be born again, wow there's an idea! I know God can do it. He saved me and raised me from death to life even though I was a wretch.

Switching subjects abruptly here. I really am feeling dejected today and some what wallowing in self pity that I am not a mother. I'm weary, recently a lot of people have been asking me if I have children.....no comes the answer. I then have to endure (with a smile on my face) their endless cocktail of advice. Most of which I have already done years ago, then they (understandably) get frustrated and tell me to adopt...........perfect strangers do this to me. How long O Lord? How long must this go on. Poor me right? I've probably blogged on this many many times already. I further torture my self with thoughts of what do my Christian friends think of this. None of them have struggled with infertility. I hope and pray that they will not ever have to! Do they think that I'm cursed or that I have some unrepented sin or I don't deserve children. I know that I shouldn't even wonder what others are thinking, its sinful. I continue to be perplexed by this gift/trial of infertility.

I just love babies and their fresh baby aroma. They are so irresistibly cute and yummy. I see them every where I go, its nice. I hope God will allow me to have children. God is good even if he never allows me the pleasure.

Heart change

Ugg! I haven't had a lot of time to update my blog or visit others. I've been a little busy I guess but I keep you all in my prayers faithfully. God has really been working to change attitudes and thoughts of my heart towards infertility. I think that He is guiding us to adoption and or foster care. Since we started TTC I've had adoption heavy on my heart but I always wanted to adopt after I had children of my womb! So I've been wrestling with God about that and just honestly asking Him what He wants and to take my life and do with it what He wills. By His grace and mercy I've been dying to my self and my desires, I have to remember that I am His slave I serve Him not the other way around. He alone is God. So I'm continuing to prepare my HEART and HOME for children and to seek God.

"I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye." Psalm 32:8

True Woman '08

I had a really blessed weekend at True Women '08 this past weekend. God really used what the speakers had to say to bring about change in my heart and to open my eyes to what God is doing in the live s of other believers. I have to say Janet Parchel was hands down my favorite! What a lightning rod of inspiration she is. I had the pleasure to hear her speak twice. On her second speaking engagement she was asked to speak on motherhood by Nancy Leigh DeMoss(who I love). She spoke on 1Samuel chapter 1-4,ummm OK this is always hard to hear God. But it was amazing! Even though I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart and kicked in the stomach......being a Christian is weird!

Also my period is very late. I'm never late! So I took a pregnancy test. BFN. Thank you Jesus for my trial that you had crafted just for me to help purge me of my sin and keep me for my inheritance in Christ. Please comfort me in this constant loss and disappointment.

I found the article below comforting.



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In the furnace of affliction(J. R. Miller, "Living Without Worry")
Sooner or later, affliction and sorrow come to every Christian. We ought, therefore, to have true views about pain, about the divine reasons for sending it, and about the mission on which it comes. We ought to know, also, how to endure suffering so as to get from it the blessing, which its hot hand brings to us.While they do not solve all the mystery of human suffering, the Scriptures show, at least, that suffering is no accident in God's world--but is one of His messengers; and that it comes not as an enemy--but as a friend on an errand of blessing. The design of God, in all the afflictions which He sends upon His people--is to make them more holy, to advance their purification of character.It is very clearly taught in the Word of God, that suffering is necessary in preparing sinful souls in this world, for heavenly glory. "We must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God." There is no easy way to glory. There is so much evil in us, even after we are born again, that nothing less than the discipline of pain, can cleanse our nature. Tribulation is God's threshing, not to harm us or to destroy us--but to separate what is heavenly and spiritual in us--from what is earthly and fleshly. Nothing less than blows of pain will do this. Evil clings strongly, even to the godly. The golden wheat of godliness is so wrapped up in the strong chaff of the flesh--that only the heavy flail of suffering can produce the separation. Godly character can never be attained, but through suffering. Holiness cannot be reached, without cost. Those who would gain the lofty heights--must climb the cold, rough steeps which lead to them.It is God's design, in all the pain which He sends--to make us more Christlike. His puts us in the fire of purification, until His own image shines reflected in the gold! His prunings mean greater fruitfulness. In whatever form the suffering comes--the purpose of the pain is merciful. In all our life in this world, God is purifying us--and suffering is one of the chief agents which He employs."We also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope." Romans 5:3-4. Suffering develops in us, qualities of Christian character, which cannot be developed in any other way.But not all afflictions make people better. They do not always produce endurance. Chastening does not always yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness. We all have seen people suffering--who became only more impatient, irritable, ill-tempered, and selfish--as they suffered. Many a life in the furnace of affliction, loses all the beauty it ever had. It is not by any means universally true--that we are made more holy and Christlike, by pain. Afflictions must be received as God's messengers. They often come in very somber garb, and it is only when we receive them in faith, that they disclose to us their merciful aspect and mission.We should therefore receive afflictions reverently, as sent from God. We may be assured that there is always some blessing for us, in pain's hot hand. There is some golden fruit, wrapped up in the rough husk. God designs to burn off some sins from us, in every fire through which He calls us to pass. No one who murmurs under God's chastening hand, is ever made better by it.The true aim of suffering is to get from it-- more purity of soul, greater revelations of God's face, more love to Christ, deeper joy in the heart, holier living, and fresh strength for obedience and all duty.
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I just wanted to say thank you to those who have commented on my blog. Your comments have been such an encouragement and YOUR blogs have been a blessing as well. I thank the Lord for you all! I thought I was the only Christian woman on the planet going through this (silly and sinful, I'm sure). But seriously, it has been a comfort to come along side Christian ladies going through similar situations. And just to know that there are women are out there all over the country lifting you up in prayer before our Great God on the specific issue of infertility. It has really warmed my heart. Its been such a relief to know that some one understands and really does care about this issue and how it affects your walk with Jesus.

I think most of you all can relate to how difficult it can be to talk about infertility to some one who has never experienced it. They often times offer up some quick advice about "how to get pregnant" or why don't you just adopt. As if adopting were as easy as going to your local Wal-mart and selecting what time of cereal you want. I don't mean to be harsh, its been a growing experience for me as well on how to deal with others suffering that I am unable to fully relate to.

I want all of you to know it's been a blessing to pray for you and your specific needs daily. Thank you all for coming along side me to help. I want to be a help and encouragement to you all too. Feel free to drop and email if you need to. May the Lord fulfil in you all His purposes and I have hope He will grant you the desires of your hearts as well.

A bit of confusion

Does it ever seem like your world has been completely turned upside down? And that life has suddenly changed course and you are going full speed ahead in a direction your not sure you even want to go? Trials and tribulations are pressing in on all sides and wickedness abounds every where you turn in the world, and you get no relief from the world. Then you come to God with request, anxieties, and the desires of your heart.........................................silence, or so it seems.


And then you find your self crying out to God not unlike the prophet Habakkuk.


"O Lord, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear!....." Habakkuk 1:2


The Lord has taught me when I start to slip into despair to cling to Him and His words in scripture. I especially like God's response to Habakkuk. ".....for I will work a work in your days, which ye will not believe, though it be told you." Habakkuk 1:5


I often wonder what marvelous work is God doing through my infertility struggles. I know what He is doing in my own heart which is just tremendous. But I often wonder what else my Sweet Lord Jesus is using my bareness for? And what joy it will bring me some day to find out the work He accomplished through it for His kingdom and His glory. I would not have wanted to walk through this fiery trial by my choosing, but I am so grateful for all it has accomplished known and unknown.



My life right now seems shrouded with dark clouds of confusion with so many decisions to make and paths to choose; what job to take, do we move on with what our RE had planned, do we look into adoption. ( I would love to adopt also but I struggle with that because I so want to be pregnant and have that experience, is that selfish?) I have hope that He will allow me to conceive, every month I'm still hopeful . I pray that He will lead me by His Spirit and His word to be obedient and joyfully submissive to what He has planned. And that He will keep me humble and dependant on Him.

I'm normal?????

I got some blood work results back and every thing came back totally normal....good news right? (maybe to a normal person) To tell you the truth I was kinda hoping that they would find some thing wrong. Some thing that they could "fix" to make my "unexplained" infertility go away. My doctor had me do a 7 panel thyroid test, he was thinking that some thing was wrong with my thyroid resulting in a whole slue of symptoms including infertility. But every thing was normal. For whatever reason I found my self sad and crying a little bit in the car ride home, infertility does weird things to your emotions! I just wanted to take a little pill to make it all better. So yes I still find my self hoping a little bit in medicine every now and then......especially when the doctor thinks we may have a hot lead. I just want a baby and I was really wanting to be one step closer to that goal. But honestly I am very thankful that I have nothing seriously wrong with me, it's just hard when every thing comes back normal and unexplained all the time.

I don't mind having a problem as long as I can feel I moving closer to "solving" the problem. With unexplained infertility there is nothing to work on, nothing to fix, no problem that needs solving. Sooooo I just wait.............................I don't know what God's plans for my fertility are. But He does, so I trust Him and I am thankful that all my struggles with infertility are not in vein. He is using my circumstances for His glory, but today I am struggling with finding joy and peace with in my heart with this understanding that I have in my head. I pray that He will help me with this, and He is so faithful I know that He will.

Blogger Beth is ................................Pregnant!

Congratulations Beth and husband!!!!!! I'm so delighted to hear the good news about your pregnancy........sooooo exciting!

*****BFP! BFP! BFP!!!!!!!BFP!

one reason why

One of the reasons why infertility, at least for me is so difficult is that it can make connecting with other women difficult. It's sort of a hindrance between two adult women one blessed and happy with the size of her family the other barren and hurting. Most women at my age are very child centric and naturally want to discuss matters regarding parenting, challenges in the world of parenthood, schooling, poopy diaper incidents, up all night, ect. Having children really adds a new dimension to ones life that I have not experienced. I have no authority to really speak in to a woman's life regarding motherhood, and I don't have experience as a mother. I'm out side the circle of trust as "they" say. But I have learned from close observation that motherhood is hard, very hard they need lots of grace, love, and support from their loved ones.

So any way yesterday at my allergist office a bunch of fun gals invited me to sit with them when I arrived, I didn't know these ladies but I sure appreciated their kindness. It was 9:30 am and I was to be there until 5pm. As soon as I sat down they and the nurses all start talking and laughing about their child birth experiences. Oh my it's going to be a long day. Reminiscing about the pain and how big their bundle of joy was, sounded like these women cherished these memories. Of course I had nothing to contribute, hello awkward! And felt pain and sadness stab my heart an aching wound that only Jesus can heal. I want children so much, Jesus knows that, He knows it.
I am to my self and to others less than a women. However I'm so blessed that Jesus can find use for this broken outcast of a women in His kingdom here and now.

His Spirit has convicted me that I have been centering my whole life around the hope of a baby for years now and it's time to repent of that and turn to Jesus He is the center piece of my life. In my centering my existence around baby hopes I have put so much of my life on "hold." For example, Oh I can't do that because what happens if I get pregnant.......mmmmmm, can't do that because I should be pregnant tomorrow.......Maybe I should do this instead because I might be pregnant. This false hope (idol) has messed with my head and heart sooo much. It has stifled me in so many ways and rendered me useless to my Lord. It's crazy it really is! I want to stop this crazy train and run back to my Lord.

So He has convicted me that I need to enrich my life with the riches of Jesus and to hope in Him and to wait on Him. I don't need a hobby or to go on a trip to fill the gap of not having a child right now. I need Jesus to fill me with His bounty and goodness. I need Him to heal my heart and to repair the lost years so that I can serve Him.

Disentanglement

This morning I was thinking about all the possible lies I have been believing regarding infertility. Lies are like cancer in my thought life, they spread undetected for a long time then finally you start to feel the symptoms. Once you realize the proliferation of the disease and how entangled it is with the good tissue by then its very hard work to remove the cancerous lies and to repair the damage they have caused. Praise the Lord that He is a healing God who is delighted to see me repent of my sins and my unbiblical beliefs and turn to Jesus and replace the lies with the truth of God.

The list of lies I have believed about fertility and infertility is about a mile long. I say this next thing with love and mercy, by the type of counsel I usually received about infertility these lies have spread every where even in the church, they are not uncommon at all. I long to see Christians in unity thinking biblically about every thing!


People who mean well, there just trying to help are usually telling me I need to do some thing to get pregnant instead of taking me to Jesus in my hour of need and showing me His tender mercies in the word. They tell me I should do this or do that, not do this, but try this and see this doctor, maybe if this area of your life was together ............ and then presto I should be pregnant, it worked for them. They often make me feel like I'm doing something wrong, its all up to me. Honestly there are only so many ways to skin a cat. I just wish people would stop with the advice......this has been a lesson for me as well!

I think Christians hate to see suffering, it's very uncomfortable. Jesus obviously suffered. They want to make it(the suffering) disappear in other people lest they have to look upon it, instead of loving them through their personal suffering. I pray that the Lord will help me to react to others comments meekly and with love. May I be gentle with them and may Christ honoring relationships develop and teach me how to love people and be hands and feet of Jesus to those in need.

Here are some of the lies that I believed.

1. I'm in control of my fertility.
***God is sovereign over life and death not me.

2. I should do everything in my power medically to get pregnant. (God gave us doctors, right?)
***God will decide if a medicine or procedure will work.....He is the one who even blesses our food to our bodies.

3. I'm a useless wife because I am unable to give my husband the children he now wants.
***God is teaching him to love his God given wife even though she can't supply something for him.

4. Other people are more blessed and special to God than I because they have many children.
***He blessed Christians and non-Christians. His common grace is wide. Pray for them.

5. Infertility is punishment for some past sin or sins.
***Maybe a consequence of past sins, however God is just and sovereign.

6. I will be a useless women to God if I'm not a Mom.
***God will help me and give me a meaningful role in His kingdom for His glory.

7. Come on.......I'm a way better person than that gal who has had an abortion and gets a "second chance" to become pregnant again when I've never been pregnant even once.
***I'm not a better person. There but by the grace of God go I. Pray for women who have had abortions.

8. I can't bear this burden its too much.
***God is all powerful

9. Maybe I can convince God that His plan isn't the best for me.
***Idolatry

10. God can't be trusted.
***He is the only one to be trusted! He made every thing and every thing belongs to Him.

I hate the fact that I have thought such cruel thoughts and untruths about God, others, an my self. But God in His infinite love and mercy is yoking with me and teaching me His ways and His thoughts. He is keeping me captive to Him.

A Memorial to God's Work in me

I wanted to write today to make a memorial to the powerful work God is doing in my life through this trial of infertility. I am so thankful that I have such a friend Jesus to pick me up out of the dust and lift me to the heavenly places with Him.

Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this in a book as a memorial and recite it to Joshua...."
Exodus 17:14

My prayer life regarding pregnancy and children has changed to be more in line with the will of God. I used to try and carve on God (idolatry). I will try to make Him do what I thought was best and to make Him give me what I wanted, looking back on it my prayers they were very manipulative. God is so gracious and long suffering that He would put up with my idolatry and the carving I tried to do on Him. Now I try and be on guard for the carver in me when I pray.

My prayers are now more centered on allowing God to do His work through this trial to bring glory to His Name how He sees fit to do so. I must remember that His ways are not my ways. His ways are perfect mine are not. I focus my prayers on dying to my self and my wants and joyfully submitting my whole self to Jesus the work that He is doing. (I'm practicing this, I don't know if we are at JOYFUL submission yet. But I'm being made in to Christ's image. I'm not His image yet.)

Still I have this desire at my core. This desire to birth my husbands children it is a part of who I am as a women. I can't just stuff it down and pretend that it doesn't exist. I have to bring it out into the light. God gave women in general, there are a few exceptions I know of, to give birth to their husband's children and have a lovely family. It's the natural order of things. Original sin changed every thing. However Jesus is still sovereign and therefore in charge of the womb. For now He has shut my womb and I pray that He will open it and allow for life to grow in it.

I know that Jesus can make me well. I know that He is more than able to remake any organs that are diseased. I know that He can direct my path to the right doctors and proper fertility tx. I know He can do all this to give me a little bundle of joy.

But as a believer it's not all about just getting the baby. I'm walking with Jesus and He has allowed this trial to happen for His glory, it's not just because of the fall. And He is working powerfully with in me through this trial. He is destroying sin in my life, getting down threw the dirt and rocks and hard clay to my root sins. And He is exposing them and utterly destroying them. He is doing this so that I may be more like Jesus and to be useful to Him and for His kingdom now.
I just wish people would see with faith that God is working and creating in me. And that they would praise His Holy Name.

Our empty quiver

It hurts to hear others being congratulated and praised for the fullness of their quiver. And to hear "Wow, God has really blessed you." When there sits infertile me and my husband who's quiver is empty. When I hear these things being said all around me I start to sink like a rock. The light I'm suppose to shine before men is put under a basket and I just want to run away and hide from the world and the pain that I feel and run to Jesus. I start to see with my natural eyes that yes, that couple has children which means they have received God's favor and my husband and I have no children therefore we are not favored by God. However my eyes of faith see some thing different.

When I go to the Lord and His word with my sorrows and anxieties. He gently guides me back to the fullness found in Jesus. He reminds me that His grace is sufficient, that He is the pearl of great price, that in Him alone is found all riches, that He is all in all, and so much more. His word alone is such a blessing to me. It is so heavy with richness of the revelation of God.

The stinging wound of infertility is soothed and bandaged by my Lord who has saved my soul. My heart and mind is transformed to delight my self in Him. I am amazed by how faithful Jesus is and how tenderly He comforts His hurting sheep. He is truly the Good Shepard.

Final day in my twenties

Well the day I have been dreading since this infertility journey has begun arrives tomorrow. Tomorrow I will have officially turned 30 and have a big fat zero amount of children. Amazingly God by His grace has not allowed me to plummet head long into despair. He is so faithful to answer prayers. Oh, don't get me wrong I am most certainly on the verge of tears every second it seems. But that's OK. I mean I have the ability to feel things God gave me this capacity. And to me I feel sad that I have no little ones to care for. No little ones to teach God's word to, no one to tuck in tonight and give kisses too, no dirty butts to change.
As the months have turned into years and I have seen others get pregnant, have baby, get pregnant, have baby. Its hard to keep the hope alive that some day that might be me. The Lord has so broken me that I no longer have hope in fertility tx or eating a special way, ect., my hope is in Him alone. Now I do believe that He can bless fertility tx or special efforts to conceive. For me He had to completely ride my heart of idolatry and false hope in doctors and fertility tx(They don't create life in the womb God alone does.)and depend completely upon Him.

Thank you Lord for Your Holy ways God, that I do not understand but I have faith in You and Your promises found in Jesus Christ and I trust that you are perfect and ALL POWERFUL. Thank you for this trial and purging me of false beliefs, I used to think that I was in control of MY womb now I know You are. Lord every piece of me belongs to You and for Your purposes. Lord for any of my sisters in Christ suffering through the pain of bareness please draw them closer to you. Please pick them up out of the dust and bless them abundantly. In Jesus precious Name Amen.

Hello and Welcome!

First and foremost I have been saved by the blood of Jesus. I've been born again, that is something to rejoice about! Birth is always a miracle and He has breathed life into my soul, thank you Jesus. I am His and He is mine. He is the center piece of my life.

I'm writing this blog to not only express my thoughts. But also to hopefully be an encouragement to other barren women, as others blogs have been a great comfort and encouragement to my soul.

I am praying for you!

I have been married for 5 years, to the love of my life named Rick. My trial of infertility for baby number one has been going on for the last 2.5 years. I am turning 30 in 3 days, Yikes! Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock......that would be my biological clock ticking.

We saw a really good infertility specialist about 6 months ago who ran every test imaginable. The final diagnosis was unexplained infertility, she said I ovulate on my own but not strong enough. So we tried 50 mg clomid with ovidrill and IUI twice........BFN! The next set of infertility tx are too much money for us right now. Like 2,000-5,000 dollars too much. We don't want to do IVF, our doctor strongly recommended it though. I certainly do not condemn any one who is doing or has done IVF.......May you be blessed with children. I am currently seeing a doctor who mentioned it looks like I might have a thyroid issue which could be a hurdle in getting pregnant. More test to check out that option.

So...........we wait. I'm using my time to seek Jesus and learn as much as possible about Him and His ways through His word and prayer. Also trying to lose a bit weight. He is helping preparing my heart and home for the arrival of children. I would love to have a home full of children some day. Thus far God has had different plans for us, so I humbly submit my self to His sovereignty and hope to learn as much as possible from this trial.

Father God, I give You praise for Your sovereign rule over our lives. Jesus may this trial bring you much glory and may You cause it to bear fruit for you in my life. Forgive me for wanting to have a baby more than I have wanted You at times, forgive me for the ugliness of my heart that has been revealed during this trial by Your power may you purge me of all ungodly thoughts and emotions. Draw me closer to You Jesus, make me to delight in You no matter my circumstance.