Sinking In

My husband and I went to watch the Bears game last Sunday at his parents house, and yes the Bears did win! When Rick left me alone with his father, his father asked me how the adoption thing was going. It's no secret by now that we are considering adopting a child. It's not like one day we woke up and were like, "Ok, its been three years time to adopt." The idea of adoption was sort of conceived and over the months has grown into, "Ok, maybe we should take a serious look into this." Now this is a very sweet question coming from a man of very few words, and I felt touched that he would think to ask. But as I responded to his question I just got this lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and a knot in the pit of my stomach. It just sank in that this is real. I can't get pregnant, I can't have biological children. I am a failure to every one, his parents, my parents, my husband, my whole family. I felt as though I was in a dream world for a minute or two. The room just spun as the weight of that sunk down into my heart and mind. I long to have my husbands children. It is a painful reality right now that, though I have prayed and CRIED to God for a child from my womb, He for now has said "No my daughter, no. I love you and will carry you through this."

"Yes, Lord. I will gladly pick up my cross and carry it in the strength that you provide."

Now, I know that really I'm not a failure but its a battle in my mind, and I must fight it with the truth of God's word. I just so desperately need the love of Christ. When I come to His feet I just lay down my feelings of failure and my all my sins. He washes me clean of my iniquities and sins. He takes my burdens from me and lifts me up on wings like eagles. When I'm around fallible man , sinners just like me, I can feel so fiercely judged for my failures, what I say and do, the way I dress, and my inability to conceive. But with Christ I am not condemned, He welcomes me and draws me to Himself gladly. I am comforted by His love and I'm refreshed by His care.

I'm praying for Christ's joy and deep deep love to abide in my heart. To be completely honest with you I'm still struggling some issues associated with adoption, even though I want to. There are still a few kinks that need to be worked out but I know that God will guide us and love us through this. I'm still hopeful that one day I might conceive, but right now that would sort of be like a bonus as we seriously pursue building our family though adoption. I'm so thankful that God has miraculously provided income for us, a good part-time gig for me and a generous donation from my husbands parents. God is so good and a help in time of need.