A New Morning!

I just want to praise the Lord God Almighty for having such mercy on a sinner like me. I praise His name, He lifted my dark and sinful heart up out of the muck and mire of sin and sadness.

All last week my heart had not been content with circumstances that God has given me and it showed up in many ways. Inside my some what quiet demeanor I was screaming angry with my infertility and all the annoying circumstances that come along with it. Also my heart was bitter toward people that need my love and prayers and a kind word from me. The Holy Spirit of God had been beckoning me all week to come to Him and repent of all my known sin and be refreshed, but instead I closed my heart to Him and wallowed in self pity and bitterness. I was having a seriously hard time forgiving my co-worker who was driving recklessly and almost got us killed, and God's Spirit was guiding me to forgive but I didn't want to. I chose to remain angry and hateful towards him.

I've also have this fear that keeps creeping up in my thought life. I realized that my big fear is fast approaching. What is this fear? That my wonderful, sweet, and beautiful sister in law will get pregnant before me. This thought has struck terror into my heart for a couple years now, but until last week there was always time on my side. This is no longer the case. Because they are having their big official church wedding next month out of country and I know that soon after that the babies will be coming. I just want to love her and be there for her, but instead I'm caught up with thinking of how will this affect me. And your mind goes through all the possible scenarios that would cause grief in you infertile heart. I've been scared of what my reaction will be when I find out. I don't want to hurt her or be a wet blanked in any way for their happy event. Of course there's the belly you’ll have to see get bigger, all the chat about the baby and the excitement in her eyes, and the colors of the nursery, the list goes on and on. So it's a battle in my head because I love her and I wish it wasn’t so awkward for her or me. Infertility sucks is all I could think about this week.

Of course all of this is a gross simplification of what is actually going on in my heart and my brain, but I've just been scared. The word of God tells us to not fear and to trust in God, this should be so easy but sometimes because I'm a sinner it's not.

So I have all of this yuck on my heart when I walked into church on Sunday and then we all sang, "Come, Ye Sinners" and my heart just melted. While singing this song I knew that even though I am already saved by Jesus I found forgiveness afresh in Jesus. Right there as we sang, He was at work quieting my heart and healing all my wounds cleaning out all the poison. I must run to Him, is what I kept thinking. only Jesus can make me well no one else is able. I left worship so healed and full of joy. All the bitterness was gone with love in it's place, all the fear in my heart stamped out and replaced with trust in my God, all my sins were cast out as far as the east is from the west. Thank you Jesus for your mercy! And thank you all for your persistent prayers.

I now take courage that even though this trial of infertility can seem so cruel and punishing that on the other side of this stands the Risen Christ saying, “Well done my good and faithful slave……enter in to the joy of the Lord.”

Come, ye sinners, poor and needy,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore:
Jesus ready stand to save you,
Full of pity, love and power:
He is able,
He is willing: doubt no more

Now, ye needy, come and welcome:
God's free bounty glorify:
True belief and true repentance--
Every grace that brings you nigh--
Without money,
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.

Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor for fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him;
This He gives you--
'T is the Spirit's rising beam.

Come, ye weary, heavy-laden,
Bruised and ruined by the Fall;
If you tarry till you're better,
You will never come at all:
Not the righteous--
Sinners, Jesus came to call.

View Him prostrate in the garden,
On the ground your Maker lies!
On the bloody tree behold Him,
Hear Him cry before He dies,
"It is finished!"
Sinner, will not this suffice?

Lo, the incarnate God, ascended,
Pleads the merit of His blood:
Venture on Him, venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude:
None but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.