Empty Pockets, Empty Arms,Full Hearts

I’m just wondering has this happened to you? You’ve been praying and praying and then finally you have your answer from the Lord. It seems clear as day what the Lord wants you to do and to prepare you for. You even see God working in your life putting all the pieces of the puzzle together to fulfill His will in your life. When, suddenly every thing just falls apart mid stream. And you left standing there wondering what just happened? You think to yourself, I thought we were going this direction Lord? I thought it was going to be smooth sailing Lord. Obviously His ways are not my ways!

I was under the impression that we were only months away from beginning our home study for adoption and I was just so excited about that. But when my husband and I looked at our bills we realized that all this money that we thought we had saved toward adoption would have to go toward paying our bills instead. That a was devastating and frustrating moment. Then the next day I had to resign from my position because of some disgusting and degrading things that were being said on a daily basis and then when I saw an email that my co-worker was viewing, I just had to call it quits. I refuse to work in that type of environment. So now what?

It seems that we are back to square one. God has decided to strip us of all of our self sufficiency and all this extra money that I was trusting in and we’re back to just sitting at His feet. Asking Him for provision and thanking Jesus for His provision for our souls, we are waiting on Him and for Him. All of our adoption plans have come to a screeching halt for now, so we wait and trust and rejoice in Him. Words can not express how I’m so thankful for this trial even though at the same time I long for it to be over with and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Christ has really used this trial to develop total reliance on Him and what a neat gift that will be for my children to see acted out in real life. I heard some say about their adopted child something like this, “this child might not have my eyes or daddy’s nose but he will have our faith.” Ultimately that’s what God desires most. God is amazing and His love is forever and I’m so blessed to be His child by adoption. And I look forward to having children of my own someday soon.

I still do pray to be able to conceive and I think that maybe I always will. As a woman this desire to have children can be so strong. But I must die to my self and my desires and put my trust in our Great God.