What to do Next?

I can't believe that it's been over a year since our last attempt at fertility treatments and we still haven't made any tangible movement toward building our family. I'm not pregnant, we can not adopt at this moment because financially it's not possible, fertility treatments are not really in the plans because of financial reasons. Do I really want to spend thousands of dollars that we don't have on some thing that has a bigger possibility at failing than working? These are trying times for us.

The frustration of being in the same spot year after year makes my stomach ache. I just want to put this all behind me and move on, but I can't. I can't because God is still working He's not finished breaking and binding molding and shaping. His grace is working in our hearts in such a way to make us more and more like His only begotten Son Jesus Christ. Who is my Maker, my Friend, my Savior, my kinsmen, my King, my God.

What if I never have my child half me half my husband growing and being knit together in the hidden parts of me, can I endure with joy? "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me." Galatians 2:20a

If His life is the only life I ever have conceived in me and growing in me then how can I ever complain? He has poured forth the whole store house of His blessings upon my head.

Honestly I don't always feel blessed but I am. I have to exercise my mind to dwell and cling to God's promises in Christ. But its still hard being a woman with such a desire in my heart to be a mother remaining unfulfilled. It has far reaching effects into all facets of my life. I say that not with a complaining spirit its just and honest struggle that God has used to test me and to shape me, break me and to bind me.

"For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure." Phil 2:13

I must say oddly enough my infertility might actually have been an answer to prayer.......in a round about sort of way. Have you ever prayed to be made more into the image of Christ? I've prayed that since the beginning, "Lord make me like Jesus, make me holy." In reference to my sanctification here on earth. Well nothing has served to strip me of my pride and self sufficiency more then not being able to conceive. I have nothing to boast in except Christ. I've been made more compassionate, meeker and milder, stronger and braver by His grace working in my heart. His grace always produces fruit. I have to say God is amazingly wise. And through all of my days and all of the troubles that they bring I have a compassionate high priest named Jesus making intersession on my behalf and behalf of all the saints. Praise God!

The good news is God works, not me I should be resting in Him. Knowing that the complex issues of conception is in His hands and my life as small and insignificant as it is, is firm with in His compassionate hands. So I will just rest in Him and trust in Him to take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to thee.