I can't believe that it's been over a year since our last attempt at fertility treatments and we still haven't made any tangible movement toward building our family. I'm not pregnant, we can not adopt at this moment because financially it's not possible, fertility treatments are not really in the plans because of financial reasons. Do I really want to spend thousands of dollars that we don't have on some thing that has a bigger possibility at failing than working? These are trying times for us.
The frustration of being in the same spot year after year makes my stomach ache. I just want to put this all behind me and move on, but I can't. I can't because God is still working He's not finished breaking and binding molding and shaping. His grace is working in our hearts in such a way to make us more and more like His only begotten Son Jesus Christ. Who is my Maker, my Friend, my Savior, my kinsmen, my King, my God.
What if I never have my child half me half my husband growing and being knit together in the hidden parts of me, can I endure with joy? "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me." Galatians 2:20a
If His life is the only life I ever have conceived in me and growing in me then how can I ever complain? He has poured forth the whole store house of His blessings upon my head.
Honestly I don't always feel blessed but I am. I have to exercise my mind to dwell and cling to God's promises in Christ. But its still hard being a woman with such a desire in my heart to be a mother remaining unfulfilled. It has far reaching effects into all facets of my life. I say that not with a complaining spirit its just and honest struggle that God has used to test me and to shape me, break me and to bind me.
"For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure." Phil 2:13
I must say oddly enough my infertility might actually have been an answer to prayer.......in a round about sort of way. Have you ever prayed to be made more into the image of Christ? I've prayed that since the beginning, "Lord make me like Jesus, make me holy." In reference to my sanctification here on earth. Well nothing has served to strip me of my pride and self sufficiency more then not being able to conceive. I have nothing to boast in except Christ. I've been made more compassionate, meeker and milder, stronger and braver by His grace working in my heart. His grace always produces fruit. I have to say God is amazingly wise. And through all of my days and all of the troubles that they bring I have a compassionate high priest named Jesus making intersession on my behalf and behalf of all the saints. Praise God!
The good news is God works, not me I should be resting in Him. Knowing that the complex issues of conception is in His hands and my life as small and insignificant as it is, is firm with in His compassionate hands. So I will just rest in Him and trust in Him to take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to thee.
Six Plus Two
10 years ago
GOD has definitely grown you over these years into a beautiful being. When I read your posts, HE is revealed in a powerful and profound way. I am not sure you see the impact you have on those who see and read your words. You are a blessing and GOD is using you mightily.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and prayers, andrea
He is definitely revealed in your writing which is always such an encouragement. Continuing to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a reflection of Christ. The questions you ask, the words that you write, and the insights that you share from God's Word always speak to my heart. You are a treasure, Alicia, HIS treasure - and a blessing to so many including myself.
ReplyDeletePraying for you while you wait. You're not alone!
Your faith is amazing, i admire you so much for your faithfullness in shining your light for Christ. I know that the Lord is pleased with you. your words bless me and encourage me. I am praying for you. Samantha
ReplyDeletei love, love, love this post and it's encouraging words! i just feel like God has something big in store for you... i can't wait to see it revealed! and thanks again for always keeping up with me on my blog! much love!
ReplyDeleteI thank God for the encouragement I find in your words. You are a wise woman, and I hope to be more like Christ (and you!) one day as I walk this same path.
ReplyDeleteAmen! Sorry it took me so long to comment on this post. I am so encouraged and inspired by everything you have said here. You so often remind me that God is using this trial to make me more Christ-like. Infertility and pregnancy loss have also made me "more compassionate, meeker and milder, stronger and braver by His grace working in my heart." I love that - it describes perfectly the work God has done in my heart.
ReplyDelete"If His life is the only life I ever have conceived in me and growing in me then how can I ever complain? He has poured forth the whole store house of His blessings upon my head." I had never thought of it like this before - Christ in me is truly the most important conception to ever occur in me. The Lord has already given me everything I need in Christ. But just as you do, I still struggle daily with my desire for children. But I have come to realize this places me right where I need to be - dependent on God. I take this desire to Him daily and surrender it to Him, asking Him to fulfill it. I pray He gives you the desire of your heart as well.
Alicia, I am new to the blogging world and found your blog on Becky's page. I totally relate with your "momma wanna be" description in your "about me". I heard it described once as feeling like a mother without her child.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of our sermon this morning. The sermon was called "Why the Detour?" And made me cry throughout the whole thing. Our pastor talked about these trials in our lives being God designed detours - that to us seem like detours but to God they are in His plan. His plan to focus our purpose on Him, to cause us to live for Him, to slow us down, to refuel us -- but He always has a REASON.