Motives

It's kinda late and I'm unable to fall a sleep due to the loud noises of the snow plows and one to many coca colas too late in the day. So since I can't fall asleep why not blog???

I was thinking to my self today about my infertility and wondered to my self why do I want children? Why is it so awful that, for at lest right now, I can't have them. Why do I cry myself to sleep or am unable to even look at babies with out feeling, "Oh I must have one or I'll die!" Why do I want children? What is my motive behind all of this?

Before I was made a believer in Christ by His grace, my "pagan days" as I call them, I wanted children for purely selfish motives and quite idolatrous. I wanted to be married at 22 have my first baby at 23/24 then 26, and then the third at 28.........then if we felt up to it we could have a few more. I wanted children because they added something to my life. Because I would feel fulfilled by them. I wanted children because they would give me a purpose for living, also they would help me and my husband grow closer together. And of course there are many other reasons like babies are sooooo cute and fabulous but these are at lest the main ones. Coming to Christ and facing infertility is changing and challenged how I look at every aspect of marriage, children, and my self worth.

Now since Christ in His mercy has stripped my "right" to have children I have felt as though I was left naked and exposed for all to see. It can be humiliating. He stripped me down so He could have a clean slate to work with. By His grace I'm learning my true Identity in Christ. He is teaching me that all my joy, fulfillment, and self worth comes from Him alone. Before this trial I could have had some vague understanding of contentment, and reliance upon Christ to supply all my needs. Prior to this test of my faith I could have had only a light understanding of His grace. The good thing about this trial is I know my Savior more intimately, and I am able to wright tried and proved in the margin of my bible.

Though I'm truly grateful for this trial, I am ready for it to end and hold a precious blessing in my arms. I would love to be pregnant at last and enjoy that experience with my husband at my side. That would be a gift from heaven above.

So back to the question of why do I want a child. I would love to rear a generation for His glory. It would be so joyful to raise up a Godly seed for the Lord, by His grace of course, it would be such and honor and a blessing. But until then I will be content and serve my King. I will run with endurance the race set before me.