Infertility Meltdown

Ok, God is good and Sovereign and not taken by surprise as I often am. I was surprised yesterday by a couple of thing first that our church was doing baby dedications yesterday. And second my reaction to them. I was actually looking forward to the baby dedications it had been in the church bulletin for a few weeks and in the past few years I have never had a "problem" with them.

As soon as I got to church, I became melancholy and really didn't want to talk to any one tyring to just pray and confess sin. I was sitting in my seat alone my husband was serving as an usher and wasn't next to me for this event. And as I was sitting there, congregation watching, I noticed right in front of me two family's who's children have red hair. My husband has red hair (he shaves his head now you can't tell that he's a red head) and when we first were dating I thought how neat would it be to have little red heads. So I had those thoughts pop into my mind and a sense of sadness crept into my heart knowing that those little red heads I wanted might very well never be mine. So finally after announcements it was time for baby dedications.

There were four family's up there including my pastors wife and their amazingly cute baby boy Brandon. I don't remember every thing that happened all I know is that when the family's got up there I started quietly shedding tears. An then our pastor quoted with much joy in his heart and voice Psalm 127 :3-5.

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

The word is sharper that a double edged sword and it just had no mercy on my heart it just cut me to ribbons. At this point I was barely holding it together, I was now sobbing quietly. They then got to the part where the congregation stands and says basically that they will now hold the parents accountable for raising His children in the Lord. I was a total mess at this point but trying to hang in there just praying to God to please help me hold it together. Then baby dedications ended and after such a joyful event its now time to greet one another with hand shakes and smiles. Looking, down with tears all over and snot too I'm sure, shook the hand of the man next to me so as not to be rude and ran off to the bathroom tripping over a wheel chair and coat in the way.......real nice. I just had to get out of there I didn't want to start a scene with my sobs and I just didn't want people to see me cry.

I want to be honest with people and tell them the truth but at the same time I want to avoid as much drama as possible. So I went to the bathroom for what I thought would be a few moments just to get a hold of my self. That didn't happen, I completely broke down at that point. It became pretty obvious that I would not be returning to my seat to hear the sermon, bummer.

My dear sweet sister in the Lord Suzie came into the bathroom and saw my feet in the stall and thought I was her daughter. "No, Suzie. Its Alicia."

She is supper cool and sweet and really ministered to me. It amazes me how God sent her to me in that moment. I just love her and she has been such a help. She gave me her bible (mine was still at my seat) then went on her way to teach Sunday school. I went and found a private room tried to read b/w sobs. I waited for my husband to come find me and to take me home. Rick did find me and was so sweet to me. I thought he might be annoyed by my emotional breakdown. I asked him to go back to my seat to get my belongings. I was hoping he would do so quietly and with out disruption during the sermon, this is almost impossible. Then he brought me my belongings minus my purse. SO I sent him back in knowing at this time it probably would defiantly draw attention and be a disruption. On our way to the car a bunch of other people saw me crying, I just wanted to disappear!

I just want Jesus. All of Him. I just want to know that He loves me and my husband. I want to serve Him and Love Him with my whole entire heart and being. I'm having an impossible time doing that because I'm something of an emotional basket case lately. At the end of it all I want to hear well done good and faithful servant................and of course Jesus gets all the glory and crowns for any good service or good deed that I do.