Out Bursts

Do you ever find your self convicted of anger against God? This past week I found my self angry towards Him. I'm ashamed to admit it but I sometimes find my self in these fits of rage toward God throwing a tantrum like a two year old. Sorry to make you cringe! You would never have guessed it from the out side. But if you peaked through my window you may have caught me throwing a book across the room or something like that. I think anger can come with the infertility package, not that its an excuse to be angry. God uses these trials to draw out all the impurities in our hearts. I find that infertility can be a very stressful and frustrating situation. I have more good days than bad days now but still over all its a frustrating experience. Being angry at God is an issue I have failed to deal with and it can come out in sinful out burst towards the Lord. My Lord who loves me so much He died and took my punishment for me.

Praise God He is not surprised by this. He knows whats lurking in the dark corners of my heart. He also knows that I desire to be ride of my sin that so easily entangles and to mortify it. He offers me the gift of repentance and a deeper trust in Him. He knows what He's doing. He's God, God Almighty.

I think one of the most frustrating things about infertility is the futility of it all. All the time spent and the money spent for what? I expect results! I assume that most people like results. They don't like something that doesn't work or doesn't show results. Like when you put 50 cents into the pop machine it better produce a nice cold can of pop. Otherwise you must kick it and (despite the signs warning you other wise) ram your body up against it until you obtain the prize. Since its me that doesn't work and I figure that God is in charge of me, which He is. I find my self foolishly kicking at Him. Now that's an exercise in futility!

More and more, by His grace, I find my self counseling my soul in the following way.

Listen my soul, He is God and there is no other. He is the potter and I am the clay, He will do that which pleases Him and brings Him the most glory.

Then I turn my thinking toward the Gospel of Jesus Christ and all that He has blessed me and His people with in that. How He covers my defenseless head from the furious wrath to come. How I will never taste anything but God's grace and love, not a drop of His wrath! I think about all the promises as a believer that through Christ I'm able to claim, the riches of my inheritance in Christ. When I start to think like this it just changes my whole spirit. I go from an ungrateful brat to a true worshiper of Christ.

I look forward to being some ones Mommy some day and seeing my husband get to be a Daddy. But I'm still waiting, until then I want to be joyful in the waiting and to exalt the name of Christ. Of course at the end of my life I want to hear well done my good and faithful servant.