I wanted to write today to make a memorial to the powerful work God is doing in my life through this trial of infertility. I am so thankful that I have such a friend Jesus to pick me up out of the dust and lift me to the heavenly places with Him.
Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this in a book as a memorial and recite it to Joshua...."
Exodus 17:14
My prayer life regarding pregnancy and children has changed to be more in line with the will of God. I used to try and carve on God (idolatry). I will try to make Him do what I thought was best and to make Him give me what I wanted, looking back on it my prayers they were very manipulative. God is so gracious and long suffering that He would put up with my idolatry and the carving I tried to do on Him. Now I try and be on guard for the carver in me when I pray.
My prayers are now more centered on allowing God to do His work through this trial to bring glory to His Name how He sees fit to do so. I must remember that His ways are not my ways. His ways are perfect mine are not. I focus my prayers on dying to my self and my wants and joyfully submitting my whole self to Jesus the work that He is doing. (I'm practicing this, I don't know if we are at JOYFUL submission yet. But I'm being made in to Christ's image. I'm not His image yet.)
Still I have this desire at my core. This desire to birth my husbands children it is a part of who I am as a women. I can't just stuff it down and pretend that it doesn't exist. I have to bring it out into the light. God gave women in general, there are a few exceptions I know of, to give birth to their husband's children and have a lovely family. It's the natural order of things. Original sin changed every thing. However Jesus is still sovereign and therefore in charge of the womb. For now He has shut my womb and I pray that He will open it and allow for life to grow in it.
I know that Jesus can make me well. I know that He is more than able to remake any organs that are diseased. I know that He can direct my path to the right doctors and proper fertility tx. I know He can do all this to give me a little bundle of joy.
But as a believer it's not all about just getting the baby. I'm walking with Jesus and He has allowed this trial to happen for His glory, it's not just because of the fall. And He is working powerfully with in me through this trial. He is destroying sin in my life, getting down threw the dirt and rocks and hard clay to my root sins. And He is exposing them and utterly destroying them. He is doing this so that I may be more like Jesus and to be useful to Him and for His kingdom now.
I just wish people would see with faith that God is working and creating in me. And that they would praise His Holy Name.
Six Plus Two
10 years ago
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ReplyDeletePlease forgive me for not always being there for you. I treasure our time together and I want to be there to help pick you up during the sad times but you have someome infinetly better than me; Jesus Christ!
ReplyDeleteYour loving but fallen husband,
Galatians 2:20
how true alicia, that we can carve, and do! trying to "get God" to be like a "genie in a bottle" to give unto us that which we so desire. Dying to self is so hard, so strenuous (i stink at spelling) and laboreous. It is only something we can do in His grace and by His grace, and through His grace.
ReplyDeletethrough this trial, you are being further sanctified, and I rejoice with you in your sanctifications, and weep with you in your sorrows.
you are right, and raw,and truthful when you confess, it is a natural part of a woman to desire to feel within her womb the knitting of a child by the hand of God. It is indeed so.
I will continue to pray that the Lord grant unto you this request, but also that He grant unto you peace, contentment and Joy in the trail.
you are LOVED
How true this is. I honestly believe this is what I've been doing all this time. Trying to manipulate God into giving me what I want instead of being happy with what He has given me. I'm trying to get to that point that I pray "Father God I pray that Your will be my will. Lord I pray that I not try to conform Your will into my life but that my life be conformed into Your will." It's a hard prayer and not one that agrees with my heart everyday. "Lord Jesus, create in my a clean heart."
ReplyDeleteHugs dear sister in Christ.
~Jenileigh