one reason why

One of the reasons why infertility, at least for me is so difficult is that it can make connecting with other women difficult. It's sort of a hindrance between two adult women one blessed and happy with the size of her family the other barren and hurting. Most women at my age are very child centric and naturally want to discuss matters regarding parenting, challenges in the world of parenthood, schooling, poopy diaper incidents, up all night, ect. Having children really adds a new dimension to ones life that I have not experienced. I have no authority to really speak in to a woman's life regarding motherhood, and I don't have experience as a mother. I'm out side the circle of trust as "they" say. But I have learned from close observation that motherhood is hard, very hard they need lots of grace, love, and support from their loved ones.

So any way yesterday at my allergist office a bunch of fun gals invited me to sit with them when I arrived, I didn't know these ladies but I sure appreciated their kindness. It was 9:30 am and I was to be there until 5pm. As soon as I sat down they and the nurses all start talking and laughing about their child birth experiences. Oh my it's going to be a long day. Reminiscing about the pain and how big their bundle of joy was, sounded like these women cherished these memories. Of course I had nothing to contribute, hello awkward! And felt pain and sadness stab my heart an aching wound that only Jesus can heal. I want children so much, Jesus knows that, He knows it.
I am to my self and to others less than a women. However I'm so blessed that Jesus can find use for this broken outcast of a women in His kingdom here and now.

His Spirit has convicted me that I have been centering my whole life around the hope of a baby for years now and it's time to repent of that and turn to Jesus He is the center piece of my life. In my centering my existence around baby hopes I have put so much of my life on "hold." For example, Oh I can't do that because what happens if I get pregnant.......mmmmmm, can't do that because I should be pregnant tomorrow.......Maybe I should do this instead because I might be pregnant. This false hope (idol) has messed with my head and heart sooo much. It has stifled me in so many ways and rendered me useless to my Lord. It's crazy it really is! I want to stop this crazy train and run back to my Lord.

So He has convicted me that I need to enrich my life with the riches of Jesus and to hope in Him and to wait on Him. I don't need a hobby or to go on a trip to fill the gap of not having a child right now. I need Jesus to fill me with His bounty and goodness. I need Him to heal my heart and to repair the lost years so that I can serve Him.